You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you have and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never regret. Learn from your mistakes, but never regret! People change, things go wrong just remember life goes on!

Friday, November 12, 2010

"Breaking the Gaydar" from the directors Our Tribe Films

With the recent influx of cyber bullying, intolerance, and misinformed truths being spread, it was only a matter of seconds before I lent a helping hand, in any way, shape or form I could. Fortunately, I was privileged to be apart of this documentary called "Breaking the Gaydar" being created by some very talented, inspiring up and coming directors and writers, who I have the esteemed pleasure of knowing. Together these 3 powerful women make up Our tribe Films, a name sure to be on the tip of peoples tongues shortly to come.

This is a snippet directly from the creators and cast of the upcoming documentary, "Breaking the Gaydar," (the debut project for Our Tribe Films) along with some special friends who help remind us that coming out is not easy and It does get better.

I hope you enjoy watching, and much as I did sharing. follow them on twitter as well @OurTribalFilms , these ladies will surely make an impact.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Sylvester Screen Test: GET OVER YOU VIDEO pt 1 BSLADE

BSLADE gets into character as he taps into his inner Sylvester and treats us to something special. Space cadets and fab unicorns, this is only the beginning!.

Don't forget his new Cd debuts today... yeah that;s right TODAY.. " A Beautiful Catastrophe" 5pms EST and 8 pm PST

Review of BSlade new cd "A Brilliant Catastrophe"... Get in2 It!

As is rains profusely, I awaken with a smile on my face and two beautiful beings at the other end of my phone discussing a few things. I am on a whole different plateau, because I realize it's 10/01/10, it really is B-Day.. BSlade that is.. as he descends to unleash his beautiful anointing labeled "A Brilliant Catastrophe"

Sitting here in the chamber listening to B Slade's new Album perfectly title " A Brilliant Catastrophe!" And it couldn't be summarized any better. Most of you may know the fearless leader from his previous years as Ton3x, and the new followers under his alter ego BSlade. It's amazing how mow much he embodies this persona and enthralls himself into it in every aspect, an alter ego, or true self?A person like me dare ask?! BSlade is lyrically gifted, and emotes through music which makes you listen and take notice. From his pitch, to his amazing arrangements, and lets not forget his falsetto followed by a run as his showcases his range effortlessly. All while serving you fabulousness, and the TRUTH.

At a first listen, I'm intrigued from the first note, as I play the project's title track called " A Brilliant Catastrophe!" If this in any indication of what the space cadets should expect, were in for a real treat. This track takes you on a journey to the early 90's with a 70's flare where music was real, multi facetted, and the artist actually had something to say. As BSlade slays and sings one of my favorite parts " I like hip hop. I like HIP-HOP ..Keep on moving don't stop by the hands of time....hip-hop: its been suffering.....let's get back to 'real' HIP-HOP…over melodious beats which is simply orgasmic and tantalizing. Music lovers prepare to be abducted and taken on a ride.

Just when you though it started with a bang, I was lucky enough to hear what heaven truly sounds like. BSlade should be prosecuted to the fullest extent, for the way he goes in on the track "Mighty Real!" I was DOA, nothing should ever be this damn good and legal. The way he gives you falsetto, pitch and showcases his range, while making it seam effortless as he channeled Sylvester should be a crime. This remake would make even the harshest critic give a stand ovation. This disco track is truly going to be blasting for years on end, and wait to you get to the 4:16 min mark, I almost ruined my carpet and peed my pants. The " KIDS" are going to gag on this one, perform flips, dips, and tricks, all while losing their pretty little minds. " Feel the spirit, it's in the air, it's everywhere, can't you feel it, you feel the love.." I know I feel it and baby I hope you guys are ready for this Next Level type music, this is strictly for the grown & sexy!

Next Track I was blessed to preview is titled "FREEDOM RING" and it's definitely an important self declaration of what is yours & yours for the taking: Freedom. And just in case you were wondering as he informs you, He doesn't need your approval! This track is like the finalizing chapter of his personal journey, where he is letting you know as he states" I got out.. free at last.. I'm free at last....No more manipulation. move out of my way, b/c I want my Freedom"! This song lyrically speaking sets a precedent on the direction BSlade's current project ventures into, and yes he does take it back to "church" on this cut. Freedom Rings touch bases on a lot of his journeying, and its defiantly not a track for the unintelligent. It makes you actually think about what's going on, and the message he conveys throughout the song, while the haunting lyrics "FREEDOM... Let freedom ring,' is taunting you in the background. this song is going to have quite a few people open there ears and minds & really pay attention!

"Going Away" plunges you into the fearless BSlade innermost thoughts. He doesn't hold back in this song, he spares nothing nor no one, and he leaves no stone untouched. This songs plunges the lyrical content even further as he serves up tangible truths, unfiltered with a nice tall glass of "STFU!" He allows you to access his heart, as he touches basis on his beloved Late father, his separation from church, a skewed inaccurate ideologies tainted w/ judgment, & as he states "I was introduced to this by you, so I'm a product of double standard institute." Decode it for your self, but this lyrical genius is at it again, delivering what he serves up the best.. THE TRUTH... His fans: past, present, and future space cadets will and should appreciate the real bareness of this song. It's stripped, It's unapologetic and it's beautiful, Get into it..

"Well, well, well, the day or reckoning is here.." as his next track "The Great Collapse" starts off. This track is quiet unexpected, and different for me. it's not too often when you have a chance to hear BSlade on a heavy Hip Hop influenced track, yet still keeping his own unique style and flare, all while making it work. He displays how he is a true artist by being a chameleon in the game. A true testament how versatility and longevity goes hand in hand. Bslade murders lyrics like "you don't have the right to crucify my humanity, desecrate my dignity, I'm a child of GOD, you cant handle my anointing...." over blaring beats, which gives the listeners a true hip hop vibe and feel. It reminds me of back in the day when artist were street hustling, and just going from neighborhood to neighborhood rhyming and creating music at the drop of a dime. If you had an issue with another MC, the beef stayed within the lyrical context of the battle and never got out of hand. The track is definitely a throwback with a BSlade twist! One of my favorite subtle added perks happens as he screams as only BSlade can do "The Great Collapse" trying to outdo his previous note! He asked you earlier, what happened to hip hop, I guess this is his part in making a declaration to bring back real Hip Hop.

To all the unicorn and space cadets, "what you see is what you get, let them know this is YOU, it's the way GOD made me.. " Words BSlade clearly lives by himself. You cant help but to take notice of this musical masterpiece, by the lyrically genus himself!

Make sure you support this amazing artist BSlade and follow him on twitter @BSlade

Stick around, this is only the beginning, more updates and reviews to follow shortly from his new cd titled "A Brilliant Catastrophe" which drops TODAY... 5pm ESt / 8 pm PST...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Bitterend Presents.. Melodie Nicholson & Soulgasm

Live, at The Bitterned End Presents The remarkable Melodie Nicholson and Soulgasm... and Ooh boy did they deliver!

It's a little before 10 pm on this Indian summer of a Saturday evening... as much anticipation fills the intimate affair as the crowd is anticipating what they have been in dyer need to see for months on end.. it's the Return of  Melodie and Soulgasm, and the wait was well worth it.

The band is in place, the beautifully and amazingly talented background vocalist trio Angela Wint, Crystal Joy and Matia Washington all took there mark. All three women draped in chic form fitting black attire, sexy pumps, a killer smile, while exuding this energy which screamed they were ready to give you there all. Equipped with killer vocals, great delivery and an arrangement which will make you quicker at first listen, these ladies were ready to perform.

As the moment builds and everyone is on nerves end awaiting to be musically tamed, in walks the svelte, sultry, sexy seductress herself, Melodie Nicholson. Presented in a sexy little number, only to be matched with sparkly pumps, the mistress of the night kicked of her high octane show with a bang declaring to the world her moment had arrived and she was indeed a Rockstar. As she covered "Rockstar 101" as made famous by Rihanna. Her energy was transcending, her stage present was key, her awesome band and background vocalist were definitely feeling the music, and it all meshed well! being there you just knew you were in store for something special.

After she jammed her way through that number, she went into an original piece titled "Bonnie & Clyde" which was also had an up tempo beat, which allowed to keep the flow and energy up.

Ms. Nicholson then slowed it down and became a little more intimate and personal with the audience, she made sure we were having a great time.

As Melodie delved into chapters written from pages of her life, acted out through music, she began singing her piece titled " He Said', followed by "Dear John" and even more so crowd favorite called "Labels!"

Labels, with its killer beat, great hook, and catchy yet thought provoking lyrics it's clear to see why so many people love this song. We learn "Labels" as she simply expresses: Is about lack of or no communication in a relationship, where it brings you to that point were you're simply tired of it and over it! You can't argue with that, especially when that's self evident and important in every relationship.

Upon conclusion of this segment, the sultry songstress plunged her audience into another musical realm and showed she too can mix it up to give you range and various arrangements, as she showcased in her cover of "Need you Bad," made famous by Jazmine Sullivan. However, unlike the original version, I actually enjoyed this version a whole lot and could actually listen to it more then once.

As time slips by, the band jams on, Melodie & her backgrond trio continue to please the musical gods, she shares more of her life lessons, and her personal journey with us. Melodie evokes a lot through music, and gives it to you bare and untamed with songs like " Complicated," "Ex," "Mile high club," and a favorite of mine titled " Muse Sick," pronounced music. If music has taught us anything, it showed us what better way to get over turmoil ,situations, and past relationships then to form then into words, and belt them out in front of a live audience, to declare "I am over it and I have moved on!

Just when you thought the night could not get any better, Melodie decides to bring up the incomparable Jonathon Victorian up to the stage, so they can cover a duet From Tweet ft Bilal called "Best Friend!" Even the hearing impaired would have to agree this duet was enough to make you go to musical heaven, check in and never want to leave again. Between their vocal arrangement, chemistry, seductive keys, proper use of rifts directly leading into a run and lets not forget about the falsetto. This feature was something you had to be there to witness, which they should before on a nightly basis.

Onto something a little less heart heavy shall we. This time the audience, we find ourselves smack dab, in the middle of the "Circus!" Big Mama Muzic Melodie and her background trio sings this song for the "KIDS," and it was filled with tricks, and dips. We find out her song "Circus" is mainly based upon men and the silly little lies they tell. a favorite piece of the lyrics say "I went to the store.. lost my wallet and my phone, met a man with 1 hand and he drove me home......all apart of the Circus!"

Melodie went for broke belting out to the raptures above while singing songs like "Prototype," "I love You," and "I've changed,' making sure she gave you everything she had and put it out there. However retaining just enough left for her to close the show with her signature trademark song titled "THICK!"

The audience started singing before she did, can you tell it's a crowd pleaser! With lyrics like "Let a thick girl take you to heaven. 40-36-47. Why we always got so much to prove. Thick girls can do what skinny girls can do. Now feed me I ain't lying, I ain't lying .." how could you not stand up and join the group in rejoicing by showing off your curves, while jamming to this sinfully delicious tune from Melodie and the Soulgasm.

No matter if you were already a fan, a new fan, there to join a friend, or wanted to see what Melodie & the Soulgasm was all about, you left The Bitterend on Bleecker St in NYC intoxicated by her voice, and wanted to here more from this singer. Once Big Mama Melodie was done tantalizing the audience and singing for the musical gods above she made sure you were panting for more. I'm sure she acquired more fans that night, with people flocking to her to find out where they can purchase her music and find out more about the singer.

Her music is relatable and thought provoking, her tunes are catchy, and she displays her art which makes you appreciate a female vocalist who's not afraid to take changes and get gritty and "real" with you. Welcome to her world, prepare to be in awe, sit back, relax, and enjoy the sounds of Melodie and the Soulgasm coming to a venue near you. For more information on this artist you need to know, you can follow her on twitter @BigMamaMuzik 

*Pictures provided by P. Murray!
A review by Sean Williams

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"Is this a dream?"

This one is dedicated to the ex and my future!

Pieces of you still lingering around, running amuck without making a peep, a whisper or even a sound. Tried to erase, tried to replace, someone staring back into the same reflection, same script, different cast.. T he wise man must wonder "Is this a Dream?"

The essence of you dance around my inner most private thoughts, leaving nothing untouched! As you tinker & meddle around there with your bare, raw, sizable hands leaving every inch of my brain feeling nostalgic and confused, like it's clarity was your playground and you just ran straight through it. is it the sincerest part of your untamed soul i want to touch, or is it the fiery feast of the beat you call a brain I want to tame? Maybe it's the wicked desire dancing around your eyes like a scantily clad fairy dancing with the devil's fire which makes me urn for more.?

.. Still even without you being here: i feel you, i sense you, i taste you... again I think to himself is this a dream?

Two shadows standing side by side, then intertwined,, in synch by the magnetic pulse which electrify our senses and draw us near... One never overcastting the other, it

always in perfect synchronization until nightfall beseeched her dark grey skies above our plain. leaving one to look around and see the shadows nevermore, until the sunshine brings back the every so happy ending for this punch drunk love fairytale once again... Will this nightmare ever end? Will this unfold to be my sweet dream or is this just a beautiful nightmare? can this be real? Maybe a dream within a dream?

Maybe it was the essence of your presences, or the ideology of what you portrayed to be which made the dream that more enchanting? Long and behold the key to our flourishing future of 'What could be" in a world filled with 'what if's 'was tainted by your absenteeism, cynicism, and selfish demeanor you portrayed which eventually aided the end!

Little lost boy hanging there with your held propped down, standing there disoriented ,left muted, listening for a response as silence fills the air and bellows through the empty room filled with nothing but puddles from the sobbing widowed!

As the silence is becoming deafening, he realized more then just the illusion died that night! To with the demise of someone he thought he was into perished, so did the fantasy clad nightmare, the presence of him, and his shadow as well. As the lost boy watches how the once in sync souls become a melody of a duet...then mutates back into a Solo left to face the music. He yell's.. but nothing comes out.. he weeps, yet feels no pain, he hates but cant emote or transcribe to words.. one has to think is this still a dream...

Tough roads endured, put back together with the sense of now and the stride to be happy, sunnier days welcomed and swayed away the dark and lonely nights. Taught and reassured by a vision of perfection with grace and beauty ! Who upholds honor, truths, and integrity. dedicated to happiness, while looking to grow and evolve into something more. Cut from a rare bread, standing out from the mediocre and timid.. does this mere mortal of a god exists? Once little boy lost, who now transitioned into a man taught by lessons learned, mistakes made, and new growth once again finds that all too familiar place of blurring the two realms. Realty or a Dream. My realty is a dream uncluttered by self doubt an motivated by success without being too afraid of failure, while perception is a blind 50/50.... so assessing the situation again one has to ask is this all just another dream?!......

Reassuring one day you will be tangible~~~~

 ~Still lost in translation yet with more clarity & enjoying the adventure~~ XoXo

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Love Jones @Greenhouse NYC 08.18.10 review

Classy and decadent, Greenhouse NYC in SoHo is unrivaled in the New York scene. Uniquely designed and eco friendly throughout, the venue is an ultra sexy chic lounge, with decadent decor, and a top shelf bar. Given its relatively small in space ,the atmosphere definitely promotes some skin-to-skin action,the place boast a booming sound system coupled with extraordinary service, places Greenhouse NYC amongst good company pertaining to thee place to be in NYC on any given night.

This past Wednesday true music lovers were fed a soulful, upbeat, amazing few selections of ear pleasing music, art, and fashion coupled as "Love Jones." Just one of the spawns created by Joey Harris, held every third Wednesday of the month at Greenhouse NYC.

The show seams to grow stronger each and every time, and this one did not disappoint, even some of the harshest critics would have been pleased, including myself. Live music, entertainment, fashion and art is something I hold in the highest regard, and this showcase satisfied my never ending thirst of delectable , passionate performances from the always amazing, mistress of words, the sultry Lydia Caesar, to the suave vocal arrangement from the James A Natural, Cori, and J Harris, to the delicious diva's of the hour such as Jayms Madison, Devin, & Tiffany Stevenson. This venue was filled with some of the hottest talent New York has to offer.

The show started in high octane style with the band giving us hella Funk, then Joey aka J- Harris taking center stage and welcoming us to the venue as only knows how. First up was the spunky M.C. herself Nemiss paired with Adam Shank performing together a favorite "That thing" by Lauryn Hill. the two clearly had two very distinct styles which showed throughout there meshed performances, but a good pairing nonetheless. From her cute pleated a line skirt and low V neck white blouse with pearls and heels to match complimented his Justin Timberlake-esq look. To me the highlight of this segment came from Nemiss herself as she went into a reggae infused rendition of the song towards the ends, which suited her style. Up next we were introduced to Shara, who to us back to an "Empire state of mind" by Jay-z & Alicia keys. A good crowd pleasing song choice for her, probably not the best, but she made it her own and delivered a good rendition. She helped remind the crowd why we love NY soo much, with the assistacet of Nemiss. And just in case you were wondering , yes the theme of the night was "Duets of Love!"

Always two of my favorite singers to watch, and here Cori & Devin were up next. There two voices are just perfect for each other. They both can "throw-down" on the microphone, but when these two are together, yes it's definitely a problem Cori & Devin smoked the stage with there cover of "Until the end of time" by Justin and Beyonce. They continue to mature and grow, all while allowing the crowd to join them on the bliss filled musical quest they embark upon.

Up next is J-Harris as he entertains the crowd with his cover of "Lately" by the musical genius himself Mister Stevie Wonder with the help of Danni. In my years of searching for enjoyable, true, good live music there are about 5 different artist you can always turn to for a good turnout and to win the crowd over. and yeah you guessed it, doing a Stevie wonder song definitely is upon that list, especially with a cover of "Lately."

As this segment wraps up, and we start the second segment which kicks off with a paring of Bryan and Jaime Noelle singing "Georgy porgy" as made famous by Eric Benet and Faith. These two did their homework and gave us vocals, stage presence, and nice chemistry.

This next act by far was one of the two highlights of the show for me. The gifted Tiffany Stevenson and soulful James A-Natural murdered and set the stage blazing afire with there version of "Nothing even Matters" by Lauren Hill. From their chemistry, to the vocal pairing, to the rift, runs, and pitch this showed off what a duet should entail and display. Not afraid to showoff there range and control, these two are going to be a name to remember within the industry. Paired together or singing acapella at Harlem lanes these two can sang, not sing but sang, and there not afraid to throw down on the microphone and let you hear it.

In the company of the gifted and sexy Ms. Jazmine Sullivan, another up and coming artist named Ant Taylor gave the crowd a nice helping of his energy, word play and catchy tune called "I love you too." He reminds me of a Kanye protégé, with his whole skit, and I mean that in a good way. Not sure the crowd knew who he was, but after that performance I bet he has a lot of people asking "who is Ant Taylor?"

718 hit the stage, and they definitely had a few fans in the audience, who already knew who they were. It took me a while to get into these guys, however the end result was pleasing.

The seductive, and melodic deliciousness know as Jayms Madison hit the stage next, and boy did she. She treated the crowd to a few of her singles "Room Service" and my favorite "Detox.". She serves up a tasty array of vocals, stage presences, an her sultry subtle movements only adds to her allure. Not only was she doing double duty of hosting and performing but she served a fierce wardrobe displaying about 5 different attire's throughout the night, as only as a true diva would.

The man of the hour himself J-Harris is up next performing a few of his own selections, after being introduced by his father. Joey, started of with a crowd please version of "Butterflies" by Michael Jackson. And I have to admit, I'm a bit impartial to his song. Every since I heard the amazing songstress, Ms. Marsha Amborsius sing this song live, it will forever be bestowed in my heart and I look forward to hearing others follow suite with there version of this song. After "butterflies" and Drake's "find your love" we get to hear some of his original pieces from J-Harris himself. He took the crowd on an enchanted ride with "Illusion Sin", "Make it up" and "I'm here'. Wrapping his set up by the ever so catchy tune "I got a feeling " by BEP and his smash of a hit "It's alright" a fast paced, catchy tune, which will have you dancing out your seats saying It's Alright. This guy showcased why he is in this industry and worked with some of the biggest stars in the entertainment industry, pleasing the crowd in every way and having you await his next move.

The second biggest highlight of the night came from the astonishing Queens raised Lydia Caesar. Lydia was able to perform with such stage presence that seemingly invited the audience into the world of her own. Not your typical R&B bombshell, Lydia's soulful vocal ability and sultry voice are a force to be reckoned with especially when placed over live musical tracks. And yes if my memory serves me correctly, out of roughly 10,000 people, Lydia was one of the final 15 singers who auditioned for the first season of P. Diddy's Making the Band 2 on MTV. She set the crowd in a frenzy with her cover of Tina Turner's "simply the best" and had us in awe with her smash hit "Masterpiece" , which can be downloaded at for free. Ms. Caesar's vibrant, neck turning sense of style effortlessly gels vintage with Vogue's latest. The showed why she will continue to have longevity in this industry and allowing others to know you don't have to conform to day's "music stereotypes"

As we wrap up the love Jones experience we are carried out by the Love Jones theme song, and a great piece of poetry by Orlonda herself called "lie to me!'

Love Jones at Greenhouse NYC, is a showcase which offers something for everyone under one roof. from the seductive decor, to the arrangement, personable size, amazingly talented singers, dancers, poets, painters, fusionists, and all alike. This is clearly a staple in Soho, and looks likes it grows bigger and better each and every time. Mark your calendars boys and girls Love Jones happens every third Wednesday of each month and will be the place to be in SoHo!

Greenhouse NYC located at 150 Varick St, NY, NY. It appears SoHo has added onto another great venue not to miss!I'll see you at the next one, and stop by to say hi!!

~still lost in translation yet jamming to really good music along the way~ Until next time XoXo

Friday, August 6, 2010

An NYC kinda boy, in Ontario, Toronto Canada

As I sit here in Starbuck in downtown Toronto, getting my inner Carrie Bradshaw on, I think what an amazing opportunity this is for me to explore and just to get to go out and venture. this is the first time i have ever been somewhere alone before, a complete stranger to the land, culture, and environment , yet im hungry to find out. did you know outside of India, Canada has the largest Indian population in the world? I already have directions to the underground mall, 2 huge farmers markets, dinner reservations at the Skytop, which is there only rotating restaurant by Niagara Falls, and 2 bars in mind. I think i will stumble into some fun. it would have been even crazier with my dream team, but I'm a big boy, I can do it all alone, and still have fun. and besides the kind of person I am, I'm sure I will run into something or another chatty, social someone lol! This will be on adventure I shall not turn down.

These few hours I've been here have already been filled with beauty and calmness. totally different then my usual, gym class, warm up's, then home to shower and go straight to work. I realized somewhere along the way i forgot to appreciate my mornings and enjoy it, as mother nature intended for me to gaze upon her beauty. Upon wakening up this morning, it was utterly amazing. I awakened on the bay just as the sun started to peak, while the wildlife in the bay was basking in mother nature's glory. Talk about a picture perfect, storybook way to start a vacation. You know, a guy can get use to this.I love how there so healthy over here, there is a fresh market or store like on every corners!  Something's telling me i'll be inspired and will be writing more guys... Time to start my morning...but first a taxi to my hotel suite...One thing Canada is lacking over here which can drive a New Yorker crazy, lol!

XoXo until next time!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Greenhouse 07/14/10 NYC Recap Ft: kim, Mel, Dawn, B. Slade,J0harris & Etc.

These past few weeks NYC has seen it's fair share of music... not that mass produced, synthesized, marketing 101 alleged music, but actually good, earth shattering soulful music. Jill Scott, Chrisette Michelle, Marsha Ambrosius just to name a few has graced us all in the Tri State area over the last few weeks. However the epitome thus far had to take place this Past Wednesday, July 14, at The Love Jones Experience at none other then Soho's jewel known as Greenhouse NYC. The decor was delightful, the ambiance was soothing & inviting, the crowd was quite NYC chic and the music was to decadent.

The show had quite a few twist and turns, and offered something for everyone, art in the making, fashion, dancing & amazing sounds of poetry, all backed up with a superior live band. The show started off with a bang with Danni Ai singing "Unlucky" directly into "Storyteller". Followed by Devin and & Lashonna performing " Black & Gold.' These two always bless the microphone every time I hear them, def should be one's to watch out in the future as well. Up next was Vassy, who gave us another vocal display, which was crowd pleasing, including her rendition of " What do you want from Me" an acoustic version of the song as made famous by Adam Lambert. Moving along, the crowd was treated to another performance from the thought provoking, boundary pushing, madame of words Nicole Lyrice. Her delivery, play on words, and enthusiasm can simply be said it's strictly for " the grown & Sexy

The next segment started with none other then Joey AKA J-Harris, another crowd favorite. This quite talented singer, dancer, and songwriter took the crowded to another level. He made us feel his journey, and made you feel the theme of the night, which was "Love! " From his version of "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay, to his song " Illusional Sin" to one of my favorite songs "April Showers' to finish up quite fittingly "I Gotta feeling" as made famous by Black Eyes Peas. J-Harris entertained the crowd from his array of vocal arrangements, his upbeat on key gyration in his hips, to the love he emotes for what he loves to do. and his background dancers added a nice touch

Just when you thought it was time to coast on already what has been a great show, the delectably talented, sinfully delicious, sultry mistress of the mic, New Jersey's own Melissa Musique took the stage. After the first rift which bellowed from the young Diva's mouth, the crowd knew we were all in for a treat. As she took the crowd to another plateau with her rendition of "Summertime" as made famous by many other artist like Billie Holiday, Janis Joplin, and Ella Fitzgerald just to name a few. But this songstress didn't let that intimidate her, took the song and made it her own. This was my first time I ever heard this song performed only the way Melissa could, including a rocked out, fast paced ending, something which was quite unexpected yet undoubtedly welcomed. Miss. Musique is surely on track to being an influential fixture in the music realm, whom we come to love & appreciate.

Connecticut's own, Born to Diva contestant Dawn Tallman was up next, and if you haven't heard the name before, what rock are you sleeping under. This lady can sang, not sing but Saaang with the best of them, definitely gives you a Kelly price, or Deborah Cox, vibe with her powerful voice, and stunning rifts and runs. She has sung with many of artist like Patti, Chaka, Day 26, Stephanie Mills, Kim Burrell just to name a few. Dawn performed fittingly " Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. And I think Chaka would have even given dawn and standing ovation.

Never one to disappoint, Seattle's own born & raised, yet New York polished Kimberly *Nichole owned the stage next. Kimberly, whose punch line is "the puffy-haired tower of power," was introduced. and after midway through her 1st song, ever agreed Tower of power is an understatement, Kim is like a little stick of dynamite. She can serve and deliver with the best of them, and what comes out her tiny frame is pure magical. She gave the crowd a treat performing "Dirty Diana" and her legendary version of "Crazy" as made famous b Gnarls Barkley. She sang her butt off all the whole moving her body to the rhythms of the music. And she closed with her version of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" which was amazing.

Last but not least in any way was the enigma himself, B. Slade the space-age leader of the rest of us space cadets and unicorns. He made the crowd vomit in our mouths as he dished out what I like to call " simply fabulous music" from his new cd Dawn O' the Unicorn. He took us on a enticing ride with his song titled "You', which he debuted at the last Love Jones Experience, and it didn't stop there. He clearly wasn't about to stop and wanted to please the crowd even further. B. Slade got sick with it, and delivered what i call sex in a bottle, for the grown and sexy of course via a track called "Parking Lot.. It's evident he likes playing with his prey, because he revived us again just to slaughter the crowd some more with his enchantingly haunting song titled "Love you Long Tyme," a song sure to be on the tip of everyone's tongue. B. Slade's already massive popularity is still growing- a fact proved by the continued success of his brilliant music. Just remember folks, he reflects an artist virtually bursting with ideas and sounds, all interesting, and leaves you anxious for the next helping.

If you're not jamming to Kimberly Nichole's "Yellow Brick Journey Reloaded" or B. Slades "Dawn O' the Unicorn, then your simply depriving yourself of really good music. These gifted women and men, are all a forces to be reckoned with, and clearly they're ready to allow there crafts & skills to do all the talking. If music helps cleanse the soul, then chil'e mine has been baptized in the Nile and blessed by the musical G*ds themselves. In the words of B. Slade.. Get into to it...TRICK...Work Damn It!!

I utterly hope you all enjoyed my works and posting, show sum love or email me what you think I should talk about next!

~Still lost in translation, but better equipped for the knowledge I'm about to receive~ XOXO Sean Williams

Sunday, July 11, 2010

A part of the song.. after a while

For the past few dasys i had this melodic beat filled with the piano and Strings, with a chelloe and bells! Some of the words the song are below, i put them in poem format in care of stanze so i can rearrange it better's the start of it

Que horns, in 3 sets, followed bythe piano and chimes....
...then fuse inthe strings and turn down the piano


After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding hands and changing a soul
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security
You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a adult, not the grief of a child

During this part a symphony quartet of strings, subtle chimes and the sax would come into play and the hook would repeate twice

After a While.....

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and the future have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much of it
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring flowers and you learn you really can endure, you are really strong, you really have worth and you learn and you learn..with every you learn.

Food for thought, never second guess urself, doubt ur choices, and regret the path you chose, no matter how difficult it may be, look at the bigger picture, it works out!

~Still lost in translatin yet having soo much fun unraviling Life and all it brings forth!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Lets go down the Yellow Brick Journey~ chil''e u ready

Thoughts, dreams, hellish nightmares turned into beautifully crafted realities, clouded by doubt, judgment, and the unknown, all tangled within the truth, validity, and stone cold reality. Yup... this pretty much sums up the 48 plus days of my life! A whirlwind of events, happenings, disasters, blah blah and fucking blah!

I have this melody in my head i just cant scratch out.. i think i will have to write a separate blog for that.. back to my song and dance. these last 2 months have been quite trying, and pushed me mentally. i think it's an acumination of events which lead me to this point . I've seen a sign of maturity and demur how i handle things now versus me about a year and a half ago. i use to be that bitter, angry vengeful person. I use to take it there, I swear like i said " people are lucky i know Je*us and I'm not the old me who would have taken this to the streets. but, that's not me, no more and not now! I'm to special and mature for that. there's always a better ways to handle situations, events, and people. Just never lose yourself in the process! try not to come out of character and undermine your integrity even if it gets a bit messy.

I've notice my opinions have altered quite a bit, about things i like, and what i don't like, thing's which bother me, and things i chose to let go, people who i want around me versus people who i need around me. it's all apart of the ever so enriching learning experience, i guess! fucking growing up, why can;t we all be kids again, watch TV gleefully, eating our favorite cereal living life carefree! fruity pebbles and the smurfs or thunder cats sound good right about now lol! well....

I think babe, was right i need to have a screening process for people who i let in my inner social circle, and who i let get close to me especially! Nana always use to say (English version; Keep your enemies close b/c u know they don't like you, but keep your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you! She ain;t never lied, people can be so venomous if you allow them to be.

I've been pretty occupied these last two months with planning evenings, attending gatherings, and functions, baby showers, working, making several trips to hospitals, managing relationships, and in the midst apartment hunting and just trying to stabilize myself and give myself a little room to breath. It gets quite hectic and i forget some of the smaller thing's but im trying my best, and i think im spreading myself too thin, im tired and burnt out, yet refuse to just "slow down" not just yet. i forget to do the things which makes me happy! what's up with that? I need to do more for me and less for others, it's not selfish, everyone else just looks out for them, why shouldn't i put ME first?!
I've just started living for myself not too long ago, i just need to walk a fine line and balance out everything
! i should be running my calendar and not letting it run me! i think i have an issue with saying No to people, which is a huge downfall. i always want to see the good in people, no matter what stares back at me in the face? am i a bad person for wanting more and expecting more, while praying for humanity and humility? Or is it the fault of others for not expecting and wanting more from themselves!? I need to stop trying to be mister fix it, every time i see someone or something damaged i challenge myself to fix it! Ugh

Let's call this section the run down:
My grandmother had to be rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery the same day she was about to come up here to take care of my mom whom also had surgery, did i mention all this happened the same day my best friend went into premature labor with my two healthy god children Caleb and Cayleigh. It all was quite a world wind and happened so fast, im still trying to grasp what happened. and it was all back, to back, to back. Trying handling all that and still not drinking ugh, some nerve lol! Im totally thankful everyone is doing well. It's been quite some praying times, more so now then ever! My mommy had to get 2 procedures and was just discharged today, she is home, somewhat mobile and is talkign slightly. I just hope she is clear out of the woods and a speedy recovery. My grandmother is healthy, strong and ding well. She had to get 2 arteries cleared, thank goodness they caught it early! Moni is doing well, she is home, and the babies are strong, healthy, and quite adorable. Every chance i get i shop for them, they bring me blue skies and happy thoughts. babes are just little angels, so precious and magical!

Fuzzy: I noticed every since i became close friends with Sir..scratch that (when we were friends) and insert Gabe, it was a mixed bag, and i never knew what to expect. I noticed our relationship hasn't been the same nor as strong as it use to be. granted we were both busy, me and him use to be inseparable! i've been working on that, and i make sure i reach out to him! i just hopes he puts forth a valiant effort, i so cant go through another 1 sided friendship! baby i refuse dot come! He had a lot of shit happen to him, granted some of it he could have avoided and or not brought upon himself, but he is quite resilient and still manages to stay positive! I don't judge, whatever he does, he does, he knows i don;t like quite a few of his choices, b/c i only want what;s best for hima ndnot to sell himself short, but who am i to condemn, or look down upon, i have my own shit to correct! we talk and express various things, i like we can have that open type of talk about anything and everything, sometimes i admit i do wish he give less detail lol, but it is what it is.. Were in it to win it, so we put on best foot forward and walk forward.

Xavier~ Me and him use to go through these patches where 1 day were good the next day were bad. i don't know where it came form ! i mean i do know where it came from, ok granted the boy did sleep with CJ on numerous occasions even after i told him i was in total awe of Cj. I took that personal, my thought process was ur tricking out a lot, and can trick out, why with Cj after i told u what i told you! it was something I couldn't let go, and it was a personal dagger , but it takes two to tango and i matured. I let that go, I let it go a while ago. things happen for a reason and Cj was that weak, it's the universe way of showing me he's not strong enough to be that guy i need him to be. Were best friends, it worked out for the best! Back 2 my song and dance, lately me and cousin we have been quite inseparable! going everywhere, attending various things, bugging out just me and him, talking about everything and anything, advice shared, it;s been the relationship with him i always wanted! just quite sadden it's about to end, as he prepares himself to move to Wisconsin. but i figure we made it thus far, the distance shouldn't make us stop, if anything it will allow us to appreciate our time together even more.. I love that boy~

Omar~~ This boy i couldn't stand when i first met him, i shot him rocks, gave him the stone cold killer coco evil bitch type hi at first. but he is literally my good good now. were attached, you mess with one, you get the other! he's been there fore me whenever and loves me for me, as i take him and cherish him for being himself! i think we balance each other out! im usually the one holding him back as he tries to cut the next bitch lol! and baby he has a list a mile long,! we can just talk for hours or just bug out, he' sthat male friend I've always yearned for when i was younger. He helps me, and i try to help him! it's a great friendship, but he's more like family. I don't have to question our friendship, its tangible and we accept each other flaws and all! he too was put in my life for a reason i get at times he;s that older brother there to give you words and guidance, even if you may not like what he has to say all the time, he's going to tall it like it is!

Willie My little big booty super hero, lol he's a great guy and. means well, and there is soo much im still learning about him! we have been chatting it up a storm for the past several weeks, and i learn something new everyday! He 's a friend, like i told him last night, were past the point where were just mere acquaintances, and were friends. now time to talk, share, laugh, play and fight and take it to the next friendship stage. he's a good man with a huge heart, loves to listen and be supportive. I told him he is going to make someone very happy when he settle's down.

Lateef~ my babe is a trip. he is so just full of positive ray, smile, kind yet straight to the point words, all wrapped up in a killer fashionable style! there's been many times just me and had tipped the bottle and just talked for hours on end. he can adapt to various situations and people and he is quite comfortable with himself. most people can't say the same! i love that. he will pump and sever, and give you a show, until it game time and baby watch out, don't discredit boo! some say "he's too gay or such a girl" baby bye, he's just him! i just think they envy him b/c he is so happy in his skin, where most are still struggling and figuring things out! me an dhim have become quite close, i feel a connection with him! 
Moni~ that girl is the left side of my brain. she knows i have her back for anything and everything, and she has mine. We have been through too much shot together for it to end any time soon. She know she's stuck with me, as i am with her. And we don't mind, lol it will be quite the life long journey for us both! We value what we have a share, and with steph T3 will always remain embedded within my heart and mind. i love those girls, and they helped at a time when I needed them the most. even if they don't know it, they allowed m to grow, mature, make mistakes and flourish! i'm going to miss my Steph, but PA is right around the corner, or better yet Amtrak and Septa baby lol~

Sir~ It's kind of sad, but recently like many of you know i've lost someone who i figured was a really close friend, more like family. it's sad but we we have been out of sync for the last 32 days, every since the night at VU and that whole incident we kind of fell of the wagon and never could get back on the same pace. most of you rejoiced, SMH not kewl guys lol And after that is just got worst, from the talks we had, or him just go off on these tangents and i would just listen! i felt like his punching bags at time, but you knwo me, always want everyone to be happy! i think one of the last few talks and BBM convo's we had really placed the seed of doubt in my head. Many of people said he was using me, im a fool, he's not genuine, and XYZ. yet I chose not to believe it. we had many of good times, and granted he said and did things which got to me, and im sure i pissed him off a few times lol . but i think we learned how to deal with each other. I had flaws and he had many of them as well, and they clearly did clash at times. It just vexed my spirit how in the last weeks of our friendship he thought we had no issue, clearly it was like the pink elephant in the room! Once i had to start questioning the validity of what he said, or his actions and thought process it takes a lot to undo the damage. i tried to be the best friend possible to him, and it's a shame he could see that. i was always there for him, even when he wasn't there for me. i think what made me needed to take a break was i was starting to fee like it was a one sided deal, where i was always giving and they were just taking. how can you say you love someone and will never hurt them, yet your actions, words and demeanor speaks the opposite. It was a learning experience i will never forget, it;s just sad i never got to say good bye. What started out as a personal time out from most people turned permanent, i think he took it quite personal! i was surprised yet given his track record and how he see friendship i wasn't surprised, what made me so special to be spared like the rest of his casualties? Over the last few weeks i was preparing myself for the worst, i just didn't know it was going to be so abrupt, but enough was enough i had to just let go i see. a few months ago i didn't think that was possible, but after the first time, i was already hurt so this time i think i was better prepared. We were good friends, or so i thought but were in two different place i guess, and had different outtakes on friendship. Do i expect too much from people, or are they just not up to par? the worst was telling my mother, how quickly it was but she was quite fond of him, called him a son, she wasn't too happy just the other day when i told her we no longer speak. She asked for him after the surgery, and i had to be the one to tell her he wasn't coming, ugh! well i was a great ride, but the show must go on. many of people was happy he is no longer apart of my circle, 1 even said "it's like the bitter dark black cloud had been lifted." he wasn't that bad just misunderstood, yet he brought a lot upon himself as well. I took him for what he was worth, i appreciated our friendship, it was genuine. hopefully he never has to question that, if he did he never got me then! At the same time, i know when it's time to say goodbye and enough is enough! I don't like for my feelings, emotions or thoughts to be dismissed and made not valid. He needs to re evaluate quite a few things and start taking responsibility for his actions and words, everyone can't be wrong while he is thee only one right, something is dead wrong with that picture. he can't just shut down on everyone and everything, he says he's fine being alone, yet his actions clearly speaks differently. even the loneliest of lonely will need someone, i hope he finds that person he can finally talk to and open up to, with being on the defense 24/ 7

Which brings me to another part of this twisted equation J~ whom i even introduced to Sir and the rest of my circle, damn i stay creating people and giving them chance! I was seriously taken back by him. When we met we click instantly and have been like P & j stomping across the city in sync. So where did the hostility, and ridiculous child like ways come from. him and mister was def the older one's of the group pushing 30, but they acted in a totally disgusting manner which i would have never pinged either one of them for. i'm usually a good judge of character, but i don't know what happened with this one!I told him things i haven't even told family yet! Mel warned me about his character and people like that, yet little ray of sunshine me always wants to see the good in people. I must admit i only got 1 red flag from him so even after we promised each other whatever happened between me and mister would not effect me and his relationship it did. the ending was quite funky, but you can't control the ending, you can only control how you handle it! It was a fun ride, and i did adore him, past tense bc him and mister disposition just turned me completely off. I don't like ugly, especially from within. .mel tried to tell me, and was trying to tell me without telling me, people for goodness sake i live in a bubble sometimes, just shake me and tell me lol@ don;t beat around the bush, just be upfront with me especially if we already had these talks on several occasions! it's sad to say, but im just happy he hurt me early in the game rather then after an invested period of time. its less painful. he was a good chapter, now lets turn the page....
i opened up to him soo much and soo quick,  and that was a mistake i will never make again.

Speaking of Mel aka Melissa, she has been my knight in shining armor. She is quite the positive free spirit i need around me. i have been all about energy, and lights lately from the practice and books i have been reading and she really has brought back my sunny sky's! we just sit and talk, advise each other, bug out and just relax! we don't have to try, we just are. and it funny because we have only know each other for almost 2 months, and it feels longer then that. i cherish her words of wisdom, she;s been through a lot and shares with me, as well i try to be there for her as well. And she has a killer voce guys .i mean this girl can rock and blow on the mic. the musical gods are quite pleased! She brings me to the yellow when im gray, i appreciate that. her spirit helps me channel my energy and not allow the foolishness and bullshit to get to me. It helps stabilize and balance myself out!

Wow i guess i had a lot to say lol! But no worries, life is life, its the way we choose to handle situations which separate us as humans! I never play the victim, that not in my DNA, you cant feels sorry for people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time and do nothing about it, so not me!

I think the best way to sum this is up is from one of my favorite singers Smokie Norful, he says " I've been up, and I've been down, had my life turned completely around, but in spite of everything i been through i still gotta say THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for your many blessing in spite of my mess!"

Food for thought never allow yourself to compromise , because the next compromise is just around the corner! People need not to take my kindness as a weakness. on the contrary it people like me who you need to watch our for when provoked we don't give a warning! lol

To my past, i say thank you for helping me become who i am today, building character, obtaining values and knowledge and common sense. to my present say be patients he's still working on me, and im still putting in the effort! It shall be a great ride! to my future i anticipate you and welcome you and all you bring with. I'm in a good place! i'm where i need to be with who i need to be there with. No apologies, no hesitation, no excuses for being ME!

Most valuable lesson I've grown to learn! things happen, you just have to DEAL WITH IT, you cann;t force soemthign that's not there! Ahh look at me sounding liek a true adult lol!

Much love and many blessings all around! Were all stars, and we all deserve to Shine! And i leave my little angels and demons with this, Speak with clarity, listen actively, understand fully, think whole heartedly, and walk with a purpose! Never regret your actions if you stil hold true to your character!

Tina and Diana taught me a lot, insert me on center stage,que my music, still the spot light, grabs mic, pose for the camera, fans & haters and say thank you and good night, i luv u all, even if you don't! Thanks for reading! 

Sincerely your's still lost in translation yet with a lot more clarity~ XOXO

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Does Thy self understand? I'm like Glass...

Does Thy self understand?
A question at first sounding so simply,
yet convoluted &  lost within a sea of
 maybes, not sure, false hope,possibly or whatever.

Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Allowing my free flowing stream
of consciousness spillith over
Thou shalt understand
my most obscure need.

A face without a face,
strong, yet not strong.
Powerful, yet quite timid,
presently visible yet oblivious to you,
staying well hidden under the shiny,
reinforced armor
A vision breathes within
as I listen to that song.

Quivering hands write
my shadow in this shy night.
A ragged moon coaxes me
into murmuring your light.
Dark dismal clouds fills my horizon
on the most sunniest day
allowing one to see just a
glimmer of light
As the beacon of hope
stays light, dancing through the dense, dark
tumbling clouds of despair

Te quiero, Te quiero, my blood sighs.
I meet my echo in a reflection.
Reveal me your infinitude,
render me your protection.
Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Thou shalt understand

desire sleeping in a seed.

Still lost in tranlsation desperately trying to finding my way back home~ sincerly your's XoXo

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Estelel said it best ..I Can be a Freak,,,

He never had it like was out of control

When he lets out a moan...the beast within him unfolds
rushes of blood rush through is hands and arms
as he grips around my ass and with his charms
he stops his strokes and licks it up and down
from the bottom to the top, he deserves to pound
but he teases, and fingers, in and out make n it sensational
corner to corner, further and further, he feels for spaces
he grips his hand and makes him quicken his pace
I scream, he moans, my leg lifted horizontal in the air
he kisses each section and i give him so much bare
He slides in. pops out, as the head plays hide & seek
from the looks on his face, he's stroking twice more..
He turns me around, while standing on the couch
slaps my ass, hard, and firm and then sticks it in, with no doubt..
as I throw it back n say deeper while leaning up biting him.
He breathes as i hold my legs to 2gether
He goes faster for the better ....he start's to speed it up
as he pounds with action
he spreads my cheeks wider for satisfaction
he drips so much, he swear he sees his juices spell his name
so he gets rougher and harder, bc he's about 2 go insane
he closes his eyes for the finale, I closes mine as well
He lets it out, all out....
I kissed him gently and says "told u I could be a freak"

Nocturnal Emissions .....

6 AM, and I just want this raging hard on to end
All I need is a favor from a friend
A trade, someone take away this perversion I've made
Damn, I need Sex!

Hands slipping under covers, dipping below the waist line
Pretending that in fact they're not mine,
No, they're his and he's trying to find
That motion that's naturally inclined
To make me believe I've gone blind
"Yes, yes, all you have to do is say yes" I plead in my mind
Arching my back, flexing my spine
Opening my mouth starving to be fed, biting my lip, mute words undefined
begging him, "please, I want more, F*ck me.."
relapse as time starts to unwind~

Unravels, ripping, my hands go numb
Furiously jerking fingers and thumb
The alarm goes off~ but I'm almost done..ALMOST there..don't stop..!
And just as I'm about to cum..~
I'm late for work, awe f*ck real life isn't fun..

~Lost in translation yet enjoying the Sticky & Sweat ride....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

And the results are in....

Dear mister in the white lab coat, give me th news...straight up...what are the result...

within all the writings, crazy people, thing's, events, work, planning and getting thing's in order i have not had a moment to rejoice and tell anyone else the results are in... they came back from another lab last week.. it's's not XYZ, im all clear, no more meds, no test, no studies, nothing i'm all clear... thank goodness, it was just a scare my hair was starting to get patchy from the meds.

a mid summer's night dream....

..... TONIGHT I dreamt of U. In my dream we "CONNECTED." Over the phone. U were over there, and I was over here. The things I said to u.... Still play back in my mind.

If I take U from BEHIND
Push MYSELF into ur mind
When u least expect IT
Will u try and REJECT it
If I'm in CHARGE and I treat u like a CHILD
Will u let urself go WILD
Let my MOUTH go where it WANTS TOO........

Once u put ur hand into the FLAME
U can NEVER be the same
There's a certain SATISFACTION
In a little bit of PAIN
I can tell that ur the SAME
If ur AFRAID, well rise again
I only hurt the ones I LOVE

I don't think U know what PAIN is
I don't think U've gone THAT way
I could bring u so much PLEASURE
I'll CUM to u when u say
I know u want ME
I'm not gonna HURT u

I'm NOT gonna hurt u
just CLOSE ur eyes......

...... Then I woke up.

this is ultra sexy, i am not cliaming this as my own

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Note 2 God..Charice version not Jojo

"Note To God"

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I would say what on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

No, no no no
We can't do this on our own

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God

Steady stream of consciousness ....

So far this week, was quite tailspin within itself.. I definitely did relapse. just when I thought I made a huge step in the right direction, I step knee deep in shit and take 2 steps backwards, ugh.. damn this continuous rollercoaster... will there ever be a point where everything in life will be balanced and were all "fine" what's to say my constant state of "controlled" chaos is my normal... what is exactly normal? who is exactly normal? I just hate having this enchanted stigma of what or how everything is suppose to be...this week was just a complete unpredictable cycle for me, no matter how I try to dissect this paradigm. And the sad part I kind of now what the issue is, I just chose not to deal with and it ignore it, eventually it's bound to dissipate, yet I feel like Pandora's box is just growing and itching to be let opened and plunged into the entity know as my mental realm. Crazy I know, but what else is there to do...
So since my last entry, my doctor said we hit a milestone, a "breakthrough" if you will. One of these milestones was nothing new for me, I think it's just i'm finally being completely open and honest with my doctor. I realized more so now at this point in my life, even after the incident I need to be open and divulge with him and spew my words upon his unbiased ear. it's not like I have anyone else to lay my burden's on, without paying for it one way or another. I think with a lot of these latest occurrences and the people in my life, I need to talk to someone. i'm starting to realize my friends name are being mentioned more and more in my doctors sessions, the good, the bad and the ugly...tell me why the f*ck am I talking about there asses during my session and i'm the one paying for these visit's! granted they might even be apart of the situation, but still, WTF....

Apparently the doctor discussed that i'm a type A personality, and i'm being co-dependant on my friends in substitute of having a "real relationship". What in the hell does he know about me and my relationship?!
he said instead of working on my past, and mending through the hurt and heartbreak, the pain of what happened after the incident to follow, and deal with it head on, that I'm mending different types of relationships with people because it's easier and doesn't pose a potential threat with me getting hurt. although at times I have to question and wonder it that's totally true. my life has always been a revolving door of people coming in and out my life, and I find that still holds truth present day. It's painful, but I think this is why I have an automatic shell and heavily guarded wall to protect me, not just from the outsiders, but for the people who already worked there way in. someone once told me, watch your enemies because they want to hurt you, however watch your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you... And that stuck with me every since. I've always had a huge trust issues, especially after whatever happened, happened, specially and the person was close to me.. No matter how much I try to let someone in, something in me always screams pull back, no matter how much I want to cave in and divulge everything about me! I want people to know me, I want people to feel me, I want someone to understand me, i want them to see me yet how will they. how will they ever see me, and the whole me if all I do is share just a piece of me? Love and trust builds us up, yet can just as quickly they can break us down and destroy us, from the inside out!

how can I expect to be loved and for someone to love me, if I can't allow them to fully love me? I don't know hence the issue. You ever want something so bad, it totally consumes you, embraces itself around every thought, and infiltrate every aspect of your day to a point where it makes sense to you and only you.. It's so close you can taste it on the tip of your tongue, only to realize it's so far away, as it being taken pried from the cusp of your hands and ripped apart from your soul.. I find myself having that feeling, to the point where it makes me mentally and physically ill.. I've been here before and didn't think I would revisit that place, so soon. Can the healing elixir also be one of the key ingredients poisoning me? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an already lost and completed battle? Is it just for entertainment? ugh, Fuck you, pay me... I think not...

..I guess Christina was right when she said what do you do when you know something's bad for you, but you just can't walk away.... My response, what if you don't know if it's bad for you...what if you're just a little lost and confused and need assistance trying to figure it all out...

But I do think my doctor my be somewhat right, my friends are a reflection upon me, and they do hold qualities my 4th and 5th boyfriend possessed, which were the best relationship I ever had, I don't really think I'm using them as a crutch or to have make shift relationships. I honestly enjoy my friends and any time we share,. however I would be lying to myself, if I said that was completely true. my mind is always working, thinking and functioning, even if I'm not on the same page with it, but my CPU is def working into overtime and it has something in store... I just with I knew what the hell "it" is and please also, I just wish I knew what the hell my mind wanted.

I find myself in a constant struggle with what the heart wants, verses what the mind knows and throws in the mix the emotional factor as well. Like I always say, and someone just reiterated early this morning, to be so bright, I can be so naive and blind at times. I rush into thing with my heart and emotions first, and my brain and sense of self always are staggering in a distant second. I know it's foolish, I know it far fetched, I know it probably will never be, yet I always think and imagine what if.... I wander why...and more importantly why not?!?!

off the subject, but you ever just second guess yourself and ask the dreaded question why me, and why not... I've been doing that lately, which is out of my character.... but I think I'm getting back on track to saying it's not's you! I hate that your making me question myself? I hate that you're making me feel like XYZ. and I hate myself for even allowing you to have this power over me. I'm stronger than that, yet I find myself hiking the inferior route.

I know where it steams from, I hate the predator which created this being in me, you have me feeling like this, you fucked me up forever, you took away something which I try to regain, you stole a piece of me I want back. how in the hell can I give someone all of me 100% if I'm not whole to begin with!! No matter how much I try to just go on and live, and keep a smile on my face, I still hurt, I still grow sad, I still hurt and I'm still alone! I can't even give someone a hug, without thinking "what do they want" you *ucking bastard I Hate You.....

I refuse to give up on life. love, and the pursuit of happiness and liberating myself from it all. I know there will be a rainbow at the end of my rainstorm, like Mariah said I will make it through the rain...I just want to be happy..

These are my words..these are my turths..these are my expressions..this is Me... def lost in tranlation will you be my guide!~~

Now you're gone....

You said the good is suppose to out weight the bad... my yellow is allegedly brighter then the grey... why can't I have happy, why can't I enjoy happy... I do... I have moments... but will it ever be a steady stream... or will I continue to have partial happiness? You promised you wouldn't leave me, you said you would be there to wipe away my tears, you said you would always be there to huge me, to hold me, you said you would always love me, you would help me grow, your suppose to be there to let e fall yet assist in rebuilding myself back up, you left me, you left me behind... who will be there for me now... who will be the partner to the partner, who misses his hero. I still cry, I still have moments where I think it's not real, I still have day's where I don't want to do anything or see anyone, until I see or hear from you. I miss you, I loved you, and I still love you.......I want my pa pa back ,I miss my grandpa

Monday, April 12, 2010

babies, soccer games, play dates ..hello future!!

Today I felt something come alive within, today I felt like a jolt of energy was transferred , positive electrical circuits revitalizing my body and stimulating my mind.Today I felt good, I acted in a selfless manner, I placed other's need before my own without any hesitation. Something I do on a regular, but this time it felt different. I get to love these other humans infinitely and bountifully, without ever having to wonder if they will ever stop loving me back or want to shy away from my love. today I shopped for someone else rather than myself. We found out the sex of the twins today! my bff is having twins, this we knew but this whole time I said I felt she is having one boy and one girl. and today the doctor confirmed it... I think I haven't been this truly happy for a while. I finally get to invest into these little precious, bundles of joy and give them all of me, without wanting anything but there utter happiness!

I mean I know I always say I want children one day, little did I know I would get to practice first hand so soon. kids fit into my 5 year plan, you know first after I get the boyfriend / who shall turn into mu husband, we get the living quarters, something spacious, with a fence and a back yard with room for them to grow and play, not in new jersey. this I already made up, I'm moving out of jersey to buy a bigger place with the amount of money you can spend here! maybe somewhere Midwest or closer to the south somewhere for warm weather, I don't know! I need at least a split level, I hate ranch style homes, we will need an upstairs and downstairs! I will need, I mean we will need space, preferably land! I want at least 2 kids, with a dog, I prefer dogs over cat's. I want to have recital's to attend, and play dates to take them to soccer practice! they have to at least try to play at least 1 instrument, and take another language, going to have to ensure a strong foundation, and education and being well rounded and versed plays apart of adapting to any situation. I want to share recipes, and bake them cookies, and have to rush to make a cake for there class because they told me last minute. I want to take of sick day to stay home with them because there sick, of be there for their first snow storm, there first step, there first word, or there first fall to pick them up. I want those things. But no worries, all will be in the grand scheme of things, can't wait around for it, I need to make it happen and in due to. is there ever a good time to have kid's! no, but I think the perfect age for me to have kids will be between 32-35, that way it will be within my 5 year plan, and stable... And if gives me time to grow up and keep on maturing... you can't be a child raising a child, mentally not really referring to age, especially these days .

I can't wait for the day I get to have the family everyone wants', we do have to be perfect, but as long as we have each other and a infinite amount of love that all we will need! It gives me something to look forward to! Call me a dreamer if you want, but I believe in dreaming big, and always dreaming of the unthinkable and the impossible, because nothings impossible and remember every great thing started from a Dream!

still lost in translation yet that much closer to clarity! xoxo Ciao

Sunday, April 11, 2010

You're not suppose to be....

This is another one I had to free from my mind onto paper, as I let if run freely and I've decided to share!

This is my art, this is my therapy, this is my life & these are my truths!!

You're suppose to be a mere figment of my imagination, yet a true vision of my future..

You're suppose to be untouchable and encased in a fortress sheltered from disappointment anguish and heartbreak, showcasing off happiness and eternal bliss for all to see...

You're suppose to be attached with XYZ and not within my realm which makes it harder not to touch the dream I sought after, wishing upon many of moons & many of stars..

You're suppose to be distant and afar, yet I can still smell your scent like your still next to me even when you're not around. how can something so far yet be so close.

You're suppose to be not appealing, cold, murky, an easy read which should make it easy for me to push you away
yet I find u charming, captivating, warm, & perplexed leaving me wanting 2 unravel more

You're suppose to be nonexistent in my wants and absent from my dreams
yet I rush to go to sleep to see you as I close my eyes and get lost in a fantasy..

You're suppose to be here providing strength and clarity and love ,yet I feel helpless and lost as I struggle to diminish theses feelings which have risen from within the depths which should not be present...

You are not suppose make me have a flutter of many feelings and make me truly love you or make me think what if....

I hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I do writing! it's one of my many passion, and it's not always easy sharing your creative baby to the world. I love feedback so hit it up!
~~In a fantasy not sure if I ever want to wake up, still lost in translation! XOXO ~~

Remeber always dare to dream, and dream the impossible b.c it's possible!


I think Vivian made the perfect song and defiantly had me in mind with this song and lyrics! I think she knows I needed to hear this song, and apply it to myself and others...I could say so much but the song says it makes you wonder about dynamics and the different types of relationships. There suppose to be so clear cut, and understood, yet theres so murky and's almost like you need to hire an interpreter just to dissect whatever "it" is, meaning the dynamics and discourse of the  type of relatiosnhip you may or may not have..... (Insert light bulb) I just got another posting idea.... I think Adam Lambert said it best when he said " What do you want from me? " I luv that song too...If only I knew what the hell I am doing? The saga continues I guess..

"But I hope you soon find out how to love, once upon of time you wanted to learn, I thought I could teach you but you were more afraid then willing, so when it comes, don't push it away, one day you will find out it is the greatest gift, and I hope you don't take advantage of it..."

still lost in thought, lost, in sight, & still lost in translation! xoxo

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Sexual And Romantic Vulture

On the prowl day and night…..,
But even more in the pale moonlight……,
The Sexual And Romantic Vulture…..
It’s passion is on a roll…..,
So its dick is hard to control……,
The Sexual And Romantic Vulture…..,
Now beware of the evil moves…..,
Cause you’ll get more than the blues….,
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
Fire set ablaze in lust filled eyes,
To the perfect touch which makes ur heart aflutter,
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted
Is it the thrill of the chase, or the thrill of getting caught...
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
What type of create have we brought upon us, as I say..
As you feed upon my flesh while savoring every taste
Wanting more, ravishing my anatomy as im in dire need of yours.
Playing with the beast and dancing with sin, while in total awe
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
As I taste your juices, and lick the blood which stains our mangled yet pleasure filled corpse

I hope this leaves you guessing & wanting more kiddies.... still lost in translations but remeber  ALWAYS ENJOY THE RIDE xoxo

Lost One Lost....

This came to me recently and i thought i would share instead of keeping it's called.. Little one lost..

I'm Lost in a world, that scares me to death,

Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,

Lost as a kid, lost as an adult

I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way

Lost in life every day, Lost in worry

Who am I?

I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost and loveless,
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there?
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place

Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve
**Lost in translation* until next time xoxo Ciao