So since my last entry, my doctor said we hit a milestone, a "breakthrough" if you will. One of these milestones was nothing new for me, I think it's just i'm finally being completely open and honest with my doctor. I realized more so now at this point in my life, even after the
Apparently the doctor discussed that i'm a type A personality, and i'm being co-dependant on my friends in substitute of having a
he said instead of working on my past, and mending through the hurt and heartbreak, the pain of what happened after the incident to follow, and deal with it head on, that I'm mending different types of relationships with people because it's easier and doesn't pose a potential threat with me getting hurt. although at times I have to question and wonder it that's totally true. my life has always been a revolving door of people coming in and out my life, and I find that still holds truth present day. It's painful, but I think this is why I have an automatic shell and heavily guarded wall to protect me, not just from the outsiders, but for the people who already worked there way in. someone once told me, watch your enemies because they want to hurt you, however watch your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you... And that stuck with me every since. I've always had a huge trust issues, especially after whatever happened, happened, specially and the person was close to me.. No matter how much I try to let someone in, something in me always screams pull back, no matter how much I want to cave in and divulge everything about me! I want people to know me, I want people to feel me, I want someone to understand me, i want them to see me yet how will they. how will they ever see me, and the whole me if all I do is share just a piece of me? Love and trust builds us up, yet can just as quickly they can break us down and destroy us, from the inside out!
how can I expect to be loved and for someone to love me, if I can't allow them to fully love me? I don't know hence the issue. You ever want something so bad, it totally consumes you, embraces itself around every thought, and infiltrate every aspect of your day to a point where it makes sense to you and only you.. It's so close you can taste it on the tip of your tongue, only to realize it's so far away, as it being taken pried from the cusp of your hands and ripped apart from your soul.. I find myself having that feeling, to the point where it makes me mentally and physically ill.. I've been here before and didn't think I would revisit that place, so soon. Can the healing elixir also be one of the key ingredients poisoning me? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an already lost and completed battle? Is it just for entertainment? ugh, Fuck you, pay me... I think not...
..I guess Christina was right when she said what do you do when you know something's bad for you, but you just can't walk away.... My response, what if you don't know if it's bad for you...what if you're just a little lost and confused and need assistance trying to figure it all out...
But I do think my doctor my be somewhat right, my friends are a reflection upon me, and they do hold qualities my 4th and 5th boyfriend possessed, which were the best relationship I ever had, I don't really think I'm using them as a crutch or to have make shift relationships. I honestly enjoy my friends and any time we share,. however I would be lying to myself, if I said that was completely true. my mind is always working, thinking and functioning, even if I'm not on the same page with it, but my CPU is def working into overtime and it has something in store... I just with I knew what the hell "it" is and please also, I just wish I knew what the hell my mind wanted.
I find myself in a constant struggle with what the heart wants, verses what the mind knows and throws in the mix the emotional factor as well. Like I always say, and someone just reiterated early this morning, to be so bright, I can be so naive and blind at times. I rush into thing with my heart and emotions first, and my brain and sense of self always are staggering in a distant second. I know it's foolish, I know it far fetched, I know it probably will never be, yet I always think and imagine what if.... I wander why...and more importantly why not?!?!
off the subject, but you ever just second guess yourself and ask the dreaded question why me, and why not... I've been doing that lately, which is out of my character.... but I think I'm getting back on track to saying it's not me...it's you! I hate that your making me question myself? I hate that you're making me feel like XYZ. and I hate myself for even allowing you to have this power over me. I'm stronger than that, yet I find myself hiking the inferior route.
I know where it steams from, I hate the predator which created this being in me, you have me feeling like this, you fucked me up forever, you took away something which I try to regain, you stole a piece of me I want back. how in the hell can I give someone all of me 100% if I'm not whole to begin with!! No matter how much I try to just go on and live, and keep a smile on my face, I still hurt, I still grow sad, I still hurt and I'm still alone! I can't even give someone a hug, without thinking "what do they want" you *ucking bastard I Hate You.....
I refuse to give up on life. love, and the pursuit of happiness and liberating myself from it all. I know there will be a rainbow at the end of my rainstorm, like Mariah said I will make it through the rain...I just want to be happy..
These are my words..these are my turths..these are my expressions..this is Me... def lost in tranlation will you be my guide!~~