Greenhouse 07/14/10 NYC Recap Ft: kim, Mel, Dawn, B. Slade,J0harris & Etc.

These past few weeks NYC has seen it's fair share of music... not that mass produced, synthesized, marketing 101 alleged music, but actually good, earth shattering soulful music. Jill Scott, Chrisette Michelle, Marsha Ambrosius just to name a few has graced us all in the Tri State area over the last few weeks. However the epitome thus far had to take place this Past Wednesday, July 14, at The Love Jones Experience at none other then Soho's jewel known as Greenhouse NYC. The decor was delightful, the ambiance was soothing & inviting, the crowd was quite NYC chic and the music was to decadent.

The show had quite a few twist and turns, and offered something for everyone, art in the making, fashion, dancing & amazing sounds of poetry, all backed up with a superior live band. The show started off with a bang with Danni Ai singing "Unlucky" directly into "Storyteller". Followed by Devin and & Lashonna performing " Black & Gold.' These two always bless the microphone every time I hear them, def should be one's to watch out in the future as well. Up next was Vassy, who gave us another vocal display, which was crowd pleasing, including her rendition of " What do you want from Me" an acoustic version of the song as made famous by Adam Lambert. Moving along, the crowd was treated to another performance from the thought provoking, boundary pushing, madame of words Nicole Lyrice. Her delivery, play on words, and enthusiasm can simply be said it's strictly for " the grown & Sexy

The next segment started with none other then Joey AKA J-Harris, another crowd favorite. This quite talented singer, dancer, and songwriter took the crowded to another level. He made us feel his journey, and made you feel the theme of the night, which was "Love! " From his version of "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay, to his song " Illusional Sin" to one of my favorite songs "April Showers' to finish up quite fittingly "I Gotta feeling" as made famous by Black Eyes Peas. J-Harris entertained the crowd from his array of vocal arrangements, his upbeat on key gyration in his hips, to the love he emotes for what he loves to do. and his background dancers added a nice touch

Just when you thought it was time to coast on already what has been a great show, the delectably talented, sinfully delicious, sultry mistress of the mic, New Jersey's own Melissa Musique took the stage. After the first rift which bellowed from the young Diva's mouth, the crowd knew we were all in for a treat. As she took the crowd to another plateau with her rendition of "Summertime" as made famous by many other artist like Billie Holiday, Janis Joplin, and Ella Fitzgerald just to name a few. But this songstress didn't let that intimidate her, took the song and made it her own. This was my first time I ever heard this song performed only the way Melissa could, including a rocked out, fast paced ending, something which was quite unexpected yet undoubtedly welcomed. Miss. Musique is surely on track to being an influential fixture in the music realm, whom we come to love & appreciate.

Connecticut's own, Born to Diva contestant Dawn Tallman was up next, and if you haven't heard the name before, what rock are you sleeping under. This lady can sang, not sing but Saaang with the best of them, definitely gives you a Kelly price, or Deborah Cox, vibe with her powerful voice, and stunning rifts and runs. She has sung with many of artist like Patti, Chaka, Day 26, Stephanie Mills, Kim Burrell just to name a few. Dawn performed fittingly " Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. And I think Chaka would have even given dawn and standing ovation.

Never one to disappoint, Seattle's own born & raised, yet New York polished Kimberly *Nichole owned the stage next. Kimberly, whose punch line is "the puffy-haired tower of power," was introduced. and after midway through her 1st song, ever agreed Tower of power is an understatement, Kim is like a little stick of dynamite. She can serve and deliver with the best of them, and what comes out her tiny frame is pure magical. She gave the crowd a treat performing "Dirty Diana" and her legendary version of "Crazy" as made famous b Gnarls Barkley. She sang her butt off all the whole moving her body to the rhythms of the music. And she closed with her version of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" which was amazing.

Last but not least in any way was the enigma himself, B. Slade the space-age leader of the rest of us space cadets and unicorns. He made the crowd vomit in our mouths as he dished out what I like to call " simply fabulous music" from his new cd Dawn O' the Unicorn. He took us on a enticing ride with his song titled "You', which he debuted at the last Love Jones Experience, and it didn't stop there. He clearly wasn't about to stop and wanted to please the crowd even further. B. Slade got sick with it, and delivered what i call sex in a bottle, for the grown and sexy of course via a track called "Parking Lot.. It's evident he likes playing with his prey, because he revived us again just to slaughter the crowd some more with his enchantingly haunting song titled "Love you Long Tyme," a song sure to be on the tip of everyone's tongue. B. Slade's already massive popularity is still growing- a fact proved by the continued success of his brilliant music. Just remember folks, he reflects an artist virtually bursting with ideas and sounds, all interesting, and leaves you anxious for the next helping.

If you're not jamming to Kimberly Nichole's "Yellow Brick Journey Reloaded" or B. Slades "Dawn O' the Unicorn, then your simply depriving yourself of really good music. These gifted women and men, are all a forces to be reckoned with, and clearly they're ready to allow there crafts & skills to do all the talking. If music helps cleanse the soul, then chil'e mine has been baptized in the Nile and blessed by the musical G*ds themselves. In the words of B. Slade.. Get into to it...TRICK...Work Damn It!!

I utterly hope you all enjoyed my works and posting, show sum love or email me what you think I should talk about next!

~Still lost in translation, but better equipped for the knowledge I'm about to receive~ XOXO Sean Williams

A part of the song.. after a while

For the past few dasys i had this melodic beat filled with the piano and Strings, with a chelloe and bells! Some of the words the song are below, i put them in poem format in care of stanze so i can rearrange it better later...here's the start of it

Que horns, in 3 sets, followed bythe piano and chimes....
...then fuse inthe strings and turn down the piano

AFTER A WHILE…


After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding hands and changing a soul
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security
You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a adult, not the grief of a child


During this part a symphony quartet of strings, subtle chimes and the sax would come into play and the hook would repeate twice

After a While.....

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and the future have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much of it
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring flowers and you learn you really can endure, you are really strong, you really have worth and you learn and you learn..with every you learn.

Food for thought, never second guess urself, doubt ur choices, and regret the path you chose, no matter how difficult it may be, look at the bigger picture, it works out!

~Still lost in translatin yet having soo much fun unraviling Life and all it brings forth!

Nocturnal Emissions .....

......

6 AM, and I just want this raging hard on to end
All I need is a favor from a friend
A trade, someone take away this perversion I've made
Damn, I need Sex!


Hands slipping under covers, dipping below the waist line
Pretending that in fact they're not mine,
No, they're his and he's trying to find
That motion that's naturally inclined
To make me believe I've gone blind
"Yes, yes, all you have to do is say yes" I plead in my mind
Arching my back, flexing my spine
Opening my mouth starving to be fed, biting my lip, mute words undefined
begging him, "please, I want more, F*ck me.."
relapse as time starts to unwind~

Unravels, ripping, my hands go numb
Furiously jerking fingers and thumb
The alarm goes off~ but I'm almost done..ALMOST there..don't stop..!
And just as I'm about to cum..~
I'm late for work, awe f*ck real life isn't fun..

~Lost in translation yet enjoying the Sticky & Sweat ride....

And the results are in....

Dear mister in the white lab coat, give me th news...straight up...what are the result...

within all the writings, crazy people, thing's, events, work, planning and getting thing's in order i have not had a moment to rejoice and tell anyone else the results are in... they came back from another lab last week.. it's benign...it's not XYZ, im all clear, no more meds, no test, no studies, nothing i'm all clear... thank goodness, it was just a scare my hair was starting to get patchy from the meds.

Note 2 God..Charice version not Jojo

"Note To God"


If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on


If I wrote a note to God
I would say what on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say


Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

No, no no no
We can't do this on our own
So

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God
 

Steady stream of consciousness ....

So far this week, was quite tailspin within itself.. I definitely did relapse. just when I thought I made a huge step in the right direction, I step knee deep in shit and take 2 steps backwards, ugh.. damn this continuous rollercoaster... will there ever be a point where everything in life will be balanced and were all "fine" what's to say my constant state of "controlled" chaos is my normal... what is exactly normal? who is exactly normal? I just hate having this enchanted stigma of what or how everything is suppose to be...this week was just a complete unpredictable cycle for me, no matter how I try to dissect this paradigm. And the sad part I kind of now what the issue is, I just chose not to deal with and it ignore it, eventually it's bound to dissipate, yet I feel like Pandora's box is just growing and itching to be let opened and plunged into the entity know as my mental realm. Crazy I know, but what else is there to do...
So since my last entry, my doctor said we hit a milestone, a "breakthrough" if you will. One of these milestones was nothing new for me, I think it's just i'm finally being completely open and honest with my doctor. I realized more so now at this point in my life, even after the incident I need to be open and divulge with him and spew my words upon his unbiased ear. it's not like I have anyone else to lay my burden's on, without paying for it one way or another. I think with a lot of these latest occurrences and the people in my life, I need to talk to someone. i'm starting to realize my friends name are being mentioned more and more in my doctors sessions, the good, the bad and the ugly...tell me why the f*ck am I talking about there asses during my session and i'm the one paying for these visit's! granted they might even be apart of the situation, but still, WTF....

Apparently the doctor discussed that i'm a type A personality, and i'm being co-dependant on my friends in substitute of having a "real relationship". What in the hell does he know about me and my relationship?!
he said instead of working on my past, and mending through the hurt and heartbreak, the pain of what happened after the incident to follow, and deal with it head on, that I'm mending different types of relationships with people because it's easier and doesn't pose a potential threat with me getting hurt. although at times I have to question and wonder it that's totally true. my life has always been a revolving door of people coming in and out my life, and I find that still holds truth present day. It's painful, but I think this is why I have an automatic shell and heavily guarded wall to protect me, not just from the outsiders, but for the people who already worked there way in. someone once told me, watch your enemies because they want to hurt you, however watch your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you... And that stuck with me every since. I've always had a huge trust issues, especially after whatever happened, happened, specially and the person was close to me.. No matter how much I try to let someone in, something in me always screams pull back, no matter how much I want to cave in and divulge everything about me! I want people to know me, I want people to feel me, I want someone to understand me, i want them to see me yet how will they. how will they ever see me, and the whole me if all I do is share just a piece of me? Love and trust builds us up, yet can just as quickly they can break us down and destroy us, from the inside out!

how can I expect to be loved and for someone to love me, if I can't allow them to fully love me? I don't know hence the issue. You ever want something so bad, it totally consumes you, embraces itself around every thought, and infiltrate every aspect of your day to a point where it makes sense to you and only you.. It's so close you can taste it on the tip of your tongue, only to realize it's so far away, as it being taken pried from the cusp of your hands and ripped apart from your soul.. I find myself having that feeling, to the point where it makes me mentally and physically ill.. I've been here before and didn't think I would revisit that place, so soon. Can the healing elixir also be one of the key ingredients poisoning me? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an already lost and completed battle? Is it just for entertainment? ugh, Fuck you, pay me... I think not...

..I guess Christina was right when she said what do you do when you know something's bad for you, but you just can't walk away.... My response, what if you don't know if it's bad for you...what if you're just a little lost and confused and need assistance trying to figure it all out...

But I do think my doctor my be somewhat right, my friends are a reflection upon me, and they do hold qualities my 4th and 5th boyfriend possessed, which were the best relationship I ever had, I don't really think I'm using them as a crutch or to have make shift relationships. I honestly enjoy my friends and any time we share,. however I would be lying to myself, if I said that was completely true. my mind is always working, thinking and functioning, even if I'm not on the same page with it, but my CPU is def working into overtime and it has something in store... I just with I knew what the hell "it" is and please also, I just wish I knew what the hell my mind wanted.


I find myself in a constant struggle with what the heart wants, verses what the mind knows and throws in the mix the emotional factor as well. Like I always say, and someone just reiterated early this morning, to be so bright, I can be so naive and blind at times. I rush into thing with my heart and emotions first, and my brain and sense of self always are staggering in a distant second. I know it's foolish, I know it far fetched, I know it probably will never be, yet I always think and imagine what if.... I wander why...and more importantly why not?!?!

off the subject, but you ever just second guess yourself and ask the dreaded question why me, and why not... I've been doing that lately, which is out of my character.... but I think I'm getting back on track to saying it's not me...it's you! I hate that your making me question myself? I hate that you're making me feel like XYZ. and I hate myself for even allowing you to have this power over me. I'm stronger than that, yet I find myself hiking the inferior route.

I know where it steams from, I hate the predator which created this being in me, you have me feeling like this, you fucked me up forever, you took away something which I try to regain, you stole a piece of me I want back. how in the hell can I give someone all of me 100% if I'm not whole to begin with!! No matter how much I try to just go on and live, and keep a smile on my face, I still hurt, I still grow sad, I still hurt and I'm still alone! I can't even give someone a hug, without thinking "what do they want" you *ucking bastard I Hate You.....

I refuse to give up on life. love, and the pursuit of happiness and liberating myself from it all. I know there will be a rainbow at the end of my rainstorm, like Mariah said I will make it through the rain...I just want to be happy..

These are my words..these are my turths..these are my expressions..this is Me... def lost in tranlation will you be my guide!~~

Now you're gone....

You said the good is suppose to out weight the bad... my yellow is allegedly brighter then the grey... why can't I have happy, why can't I enjoy happy... I do... I have moments... but will it ever be a steady stream... or will I continue to have partial happiness? You promised you wouldn't leave me, you said you would be there to wipe away my tears, you said you would always be there to huge me, to hold me, you said you would always love me, you would help me grow, your suppose to be there to let e fall yet assist in rebuilding myself back up, you left me, you left me behind... who will be there for me now... who will be the partner to the partner, who misses his hero. I still cry, I still have moments where I think it's not real, I still have day's where I don't want to do anything or see anyone, until I see or hear from you. I miss you, I loved you, and I still love you.......I want my pa pa back ,I miss my grandpa

Food for thought~~

I am the thinker that creates the thoughts that create the things. There are no circumstances around you more powerful than the power within you. You are responsible for your life through your consciousness. Racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism have no power over you unless you believe they do. A belief is the most contagious influence you possess. If you believe in circumstances, they can and will defeat you. If you believe in yourself, you are assured victory. There is a wonderful inner world at work within each of us. It knows no color, gender or age. We fuel this inner world within initiative, ingenuity and a picture in our minds. The world responds and produces according to how we fuel it. If we picture poverty, oppression, failure, disease and doubt, we cannot expect to enjoy wealth, success and health. When we put the forces of our inner self to work with good thoughts, it will produce according to our system of ideas. If we can keep our inner world clean, fertilize our minds with productive positivity, the power within will create, with dynamic force, all that we believe is possible."


TODAY I FUEL MY INNER WORLD WITH POSITIVE POSSIBILITIES

...still lost in translation yet grooving to the melodies as i march to the beat of my own drum~~ XoXo until next time~

~~~Passions Manifesto~~~

Something so minor starting off as lust, burned into a desire, over taken by love, and the insatiable thirst for it all... damn let's call this tale of lust, love and desire. passions manifesto.


It was a troublesome tricky vertical dance, laced with innocence mixed with dyer alluding sexuality and the appreciation of the male form, quickly turned into an intense game of two men dancing around the forbidden dance, trying to out wit and out play the other, not knowing the other one has the same intensions just with two different strategies.


Tired of trying to escape the attraction, not wanting to pass on the now, getting weary from dancing around the inevitable not chancing to give up on what could be, finally allowing there flirtatious ways get the best of them...it started of as a wink, then came the smile, here comes the touch, which leads to caressing of the physique, hands roaming freely leaving no single part of the body untouched nor unexplored. A quick peck, followed by another, followed by tongues being introduced, then used to get acquainted with the other parts.. teeth come into play a nibble here and there as one remained pinned down by a strong hold against his neck. there just getting started but this is clearly passion manifesto

The aroma of hot flesh being adjourned together fills the chilled air, entangled into one mound of burning desire, yearning for the next touch, the next lick, itching for another bite, begging to be held ever so tight, searching for more.

  Pure passion mixed with the allure of fire, and a hint of rage beaming from our eyes, entangled with love which curbs all the doubt and hesitation, because it feel....Oooo so right..... gazing into one another eyes, seeing the dance of love beating to the rhythmic sounds & melodies of our bodies as one, trying to perform and contort to the endless positions shared between us... our sweat drenched, sun kissed brown skin bodies barely being reveled...as we both try to steal another look to see each other's face in the dim, candlelit room using the shards of light reflecting off our naked, warm, intimate parts...

Momentary silence fills the room, only to be disturbed by the bellowing sounds of loud moans getting more verbose, louder and louder, our bodies in sync adjusting to the others rhythm, losing all sense of control and letting our parts establish there own language! talking and responding to the sounds of thrusting and pulling, pounding, and licking, one sound louder then the last, speeding up almost at their peak, looking to cum and moan at the same time leaving each other completely satisfied.. no this isn't fucking.. it's more to it...it's filled with passion, and intensity, sensuality, touching each other oh so delicately yet with just enough brute force and strength to make even the strongest man succumb to their bodies thirsty desires.... see this isn't just sex this is passion manifesto...

Awakened by a breeze & noise stirring in the background, trying to pry from his lucid stage all while feeling the aftermath of his session, just to find no one there. Looking around in a frantic panic, trying to figure out what happened, dazed and confused yet yearning for more... the bite marks left still visible upon him, the scratches he feels on his skin, as sweat engulfed his entire body, he can still taste it on his tongue.... thinking was it just a dream??...could this not have been real??....thinking to himself it's had to be as doubt settle in, ...just to be reassured from the tall, dark and masculine man approaching him from behind out of total darkness saying " no baby it was real, it was damn real, it was simply passions manifesto"

I hope you guys enjoyed, there's more to come shortly, and many apologies for the lack of writing over the past 2 weeks., much has happened and I have plenty to say as I continue traveling on this journey, so I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did the experience, with much left to be discussed!

~Still lost in translation yet knowing I am stronger then my yesterdays!~ XoXo until next time ~

 

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told...

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told... Ok so I was talking to someone recently and apparently according to them I always have time for other people and there issue's, but never can finalize and fix my own, let alone share "My Feelings" ok... so When did I Become Emotionally Damaged, I didn't; have a screwed up childhood, My Family loves Me, I wasn't abused, I don't have daddy issue's, ( well I do just not the pg 13 kind) lol and I never did smutty things growing up to get attention, lol ok, ok , ok don't laugh, let's move on, co signing Suzie! so Again! I ask myself "When did I become Emotionally Damaged and incapable of expressing my true Feelings?!"

So Hence this posting....this game is called Truth Be Told,unedited, unfiltered. no holding back truths, or Factoids about Me and all that is ME< a few of you may or may not know! If you like the game please Cont with your own Version, and remember be totally blunt and honest as possible! *Disclaimer* Don't have one..lol

My 20 top Truths.... plus 1 bonus lol *p.s. translation at bottom*

1) I have a huge Social Phobia especially when it comes to a large gathering of Breeder's*,the gayest of the gay's and or Children...Their way too Unpredictable, Attention craving and Emotionally unstable. I'm usually a nervous wreck amongst any type of crowd, but rarely will you see it! the doctors showed me how to cope!

2) Yes I love my GLBT* familia, however I really can't stand overly GAY people...I can't do Cunt* or too many lesbian ( n yes men can be lesbian too). there over the top and tend to bring way too much unnecessary drama and problems.. Ugh Man the *FCUK* UP missy

3) An Intelligent, well verbose, sexy, emotionally in touch, want to portray a heart, show's he care and has concern, can give you Masculinity but can serve face & attitude every now and again full bodied, secure dominant alpha male is the f*cking sexiest! And if they have what I call adequate "share holding's" and can use there hanging low investment wisely in the hip area babyyy! See, they are the type that usually tends to get me in trouble and caught up every time! ughhh ok I promise not to start flooding! *and note to self from the past make sure their not married, with kids or a kid on the way, and a job!* but it's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 day's

4) I'm currently sexually deprived, and crave sex, yet I want to see how far I can make it, Sex doesn't run my life, so i'm ok without it, and I refuse to go back down that dark path of random hook up's and countless hook up's. Def not for me, I now know my self worth, and know truly I deserve and want more for myself! I love myself, But...and yes there is a but...if sex or sexual things happen, who am I to stop it or say no lol! .

5) As much as I want to stay upset and linger on to the past, I miss what I use to have with my ex. I miss the comfort, I miss loving and being loved, I miss being held and holding him, I miss and use to look forward to his kisses and warm embraces, the many of night we just laid there talking and it didn't even have to be about sex, it was deeper then that. it was another connection we had, or many surprise "just because" dates and present or random outing's... But he screwed thing's up, you don't have the right to see how I am doing, you don't have the right to call me, you don't have the right to ask me how my day went babe, you last that, you lost us, you turned the one true person who loved you flaws and all away, not me but you! I don't hate him, I don't dislike him, I'm just broken, emotionally scared, and wish it didn't have to be. I will forgive him, but Not today! I'm all cried out, thank goodness for retail therapy and great friendship's, I could stop possibly seeing my shrink soon, why pay to talk when I have them,lol!

6) I like having Relations at the work place, or in public places where I can almost get caught, especially with my Superiors.. or co worker, or hey even my boyfriend (whenever I get one),,,,something about power or being sexual in public/ private = sexy to Me....

7) I had a revelation and think I'm learning how to un-love one of my best friends, however the downside is I'm nervous yet intrigued where or on who the emotions are shifting to!! Just like a spoiled brat, I always want the one's I can't have! but....messy...messy...and more messy......

8) I think I may have slight commitment issue's! Ok don't get me wrong i'm not a sleaze bag, or a cheater, I refuse to be a cheater, why even bother right, I think I might be a touch of an emotional cheater! I have trust issue's!

9)I really do deeply care something serious for one of my Friends...If only I knew what the hell they were thinking and what they wanted...UGH

10) I spend mass amounts of money on mostly sh*t I don't need but really do want...But I have learned how to...OMG Word Vomit...BUDGET and be sensible with my money...

11) Usually when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard, usually it takes a while but when I'm there, it's like OMG...ok real talk.. I might get even like a little OCD'ish at times lol! Don't say not 1 word lol! who hasn't driven by the current or ex house once or twice just to make sure lol!

12) Ok well since I'm putting all the cars on the table, back in my hay day, when I use to have my "Hoe'ish type of moments" yeah... I use to say it was because of the Alcohol, but yeah a few of those times the Alcohol was just my cover up, lol! Hey.. don't judge I know a few of you and your old stories. let's not get to start pointing fingers lol!

13) I over analyze everything...even something that appears so miniscule to others, I will take my time thinking about every other possibility! the good, the bad, and the not so fort.

14) I Absolutely HATE, and yes I know Hate is such a strong word but HATE: Orange People. And dark skinned ppl with unnatural blonde hair...OMG u look ridiculous and need a *GBF and or a mirror! p.s. and Men who wear thong sandals with socks.. Oh the Tragedy...and fanny packs, r u serious. and mini skirts with Ugh boots..damn r u hot or cold. IDK. something about that look screams future pole dancer... ugh why did I just vision miley Cyrus !

15) I have trust issue's and will be the first one to say I do! I'm too nice, and I had way too many not so nice ppl do way to many not so good things to me! So I have to stay guarded or come off a little bitchy or crass, but it's just my defense mechanism!

16) I'm usually the nicest guy you will ever get to know, unless you cross me the wrong way, use me, backstab me, or you give me a valid reason not to like you, then i'm your worst nightmare, and I go for broke!

I can give you a Verbal tongue lashing or a Written Notice in zero to 3.5 seconds like it's no one's business....Don't make me Read u, I get serious pleasure in make grown ppl cry, no joke!

17) I recently realized in the previous 2-3 relationships, it was so nice and perfect, I always thought it was too perfect! So I looked for thing's at times on purpose to be like "Hah there See I told you...or everyone's favorite line.." I knew it.."
18) I have an alter-ego which some of you unfortunately will never know or get to meet! Let's just say Alcohol usually play's a factor, and get's him in certain situations..lol nothings bad, just my alter he's a little extra friendly and stuff! he's the free spirited, fun loving, peace on earth extra friendly social drinker, who likes to stir the pot, and cause a little trouble. it's good being bad, even if your apart of it or not, it's fun! OMG lol Great times! Patron and 151 was flowing heavy that night, ahh memories:)....let's create new one's

19) I think the old crazy, insane, extremist with food issue's me is coming back into play. my co-workers pointed that out today! yes I eat less, yes I restrict myself, yes I went back to weighing thing's, yes I read labels, yes I try to see how long I have to go without food food! but I have to, the amount of pressure I put on myself to lose more weight, the pressure from this u have to be thin society, and it could be worst, I can always go back to being a secret binge eater and then vomiting up right after, but I refuse. that was messy, and costly to fix, and damaging mentally and physically! I don't want to harm myself!

20) I'm so prim and proper and so pg-13 in public, yet only if half of the ppl knew i'm so rated xx. but these day's who isn't! so I like it sensual at first, then speed it up and then for them to beat it down while out fuck session intensifies! so what I like dirty talk, and what's wrong with a little nibbling and biting and choking! who doesn't mind love wounds or scratches on naked flesh, ok so I don't really like the bed, and ok with carpet burns, cold floors, the staircase, or outside half way in the car late at night in the park by the track on the same side by the tennis court or in the bathroom in sear's in Woodbridge mall on the 3rd floor by lines, b/c there all handicap accessible and big as hell yesss, so what I'm always prepared with my to bags in my car equipped with condoms of all sorts, lubes, dice, handcuffs, underwear, a toothbrush, oils, a rag and things of such nature....shhhh what i'm a club scout, remember always be prepared is the motto! lol
21) I like animals better then some people, don't get me wrong i'm not insensitive but with animals you have a co-dependant relationship and they don't tend to hurt you the way humans do. So let's see a choice between a room full of puppies and kitties or a horse, or saving a small village in Cambodia or Africa, sorry Maddox you and your clan are on your own.....what are you mad I said it or are you upset I said the option u wanted to pick but was too damn guilty to chose!

~The Breeder's Translation Dictionary~

1)Breeder-Self Explanatory Heterosexual

2)GLBT- gay, lesbian, bi sexual, & trans gendered!

3) Cunt- Overtly gay- beyond flaming! u know two snaps, eye roll, serious switching, girl this.....kind of person. usually Male...and I can name 3 right about now...but you might be one of them lol!
4)GBF- Gay Best Friend

~i hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing & sharing...~~

Live*Laugh*Learn*Love*Grow~~~till next time luvies ~~~ still lost in translation...yes enjoying the journey!

Is it Real...

Long empty somber, cry filled restless nights, turn into long busy fly by days make the pain subdue as I trek on with my impenetrable happy face, everyone has grown to love and value. But it is real?! the painstaking agony of loneliness, and emptiness emotionally and physically plagues my body and soul with negativity. It puts me in a catatonic stance. It detaches me from this realm I try to make my reality, verses what I've become accustomed to and accepted. if I get disillusioned any further, how can I tell which one is which. fantasy or realty... is it real?


My own inner daemons forcibly trying to bellow out, trying to run rampant yet i try to keep them all contained. Leaving me here, socially drawn, emotionally inept, mentally and physically exhausted. I sit and wonder in my fortress of solitude how much longer can I keep this charade up! Restless night crying myself to sleep have become so routine, taking pill after pill, shot after shot, sitting here in the dim filled room, waiting for that beacon of light. in the future someone holds the key to unlock me and set me free from this dim dark dismal room filled with painted on stoic unrealistic faces, all ready for my next command, yet not really knowing, all while asking myself ...is it real?

Running from the truth, yet finally engulfed in all it's rage, anger, remorse, sadness and revenge, awaiting to see where will it take me next. Asking myself why and how, and when will it end, yet never missing a beat as I stand there with my go to warrior face ready to tackle on yet another new day, appearing happy and carefree. Will they ever truly know the many stages which I embody? Will anyone ever really be there for my characters? As the man in the long white coat and cold instruments stare me in the face, reciting the verdict, as I look down upon my sins laying at my feet crawling up to put the truth I dare to scream out in a crippling stronghold,,, 1 word I dare not get out...yet the thought's are there? Can i speak? Can i tell you? What can I say? Still there laying listlessly wonder what's next to come, and I try to speak...but can't ...Is it real?

What's done is done, the impurities of yesterday carried on the stepping stones and building blocks of tomorrow, laying dormant until it's next cycle rear's it ugly head and leave it's marks upon my used angry body. trying to keep it at bay seams so easy, yet so hard to do, never been through this before or anything like it. Is this punishment ? is this a cruel joke and everyone's in on it but me? Is this a harsh nightmare i can see and feel yet can not speak nor wake up from? Again... is this real?


The days are treading by slowly and the cure is staggering around the corner even further. A scorned, sinned body exposed to humility, drenched by the claws of the shameless and hung out to dry by the shackles of realization and deceit, those two cowardly, unspoken bastards. Never was I forewarned or led to believe anything differently. You could have said something even if you thought there was a possibility, now the mere sight of it all sickens me to my very core. Your lies were like daggers forcibly being gushed into my heart, invading my mind like poisonous elixir, yet i craved more and wanted more. your love was never ending, and had me drifting afloat, high of your love, and entangled with happiness and pure pleasure. hindsight is always better then foresight and now i see it was all an illusion! did you get what you wanted? Where the random whores and absence of the mind worth all you gave up and traded me in for, was it everything you thought it was going to be, at least you got your temporary fix! Left bitter, angry, scorned, bruised, and battered, and hell bent on revenge. Do i forgive, hell no to make it easier for who, clearly not me! Yet again, it leaves me wondering sis all this bullshit...Is it real?

Left alone to scurry and blend in the room alone....with nowhere to go, and noone to share with. How can I feel so alone and so afraid, with so many faces around staring back . How can I have everyone yet still have no one! Do you really get it, do you really get me? Do you really know me? do you even want to try? As daylight breaks, and I go through my usual routine, swallowing my issue's, putting aside my anger, hurt and pain, try to listen to and care for another. yet when will i get to deal, when will it be my turn to hurt, who's going to be there to help and listen to me, and fix me?

Excuse me, mister in the long white coat and cold instruments, how long will this take and can you help? because I really need to find out if this is real?

Today's modern gay male ...misrepresented!

Hey luvies sorry and excuse me for the hiatus, been a little preoccupied assistign others and trying to deal with my own crap but something that has really been bothering me for quite some time now has forced me out of my pre emptied retirement! One thing sum's it up, Today's alleged Gay Modern Man.... and boy what a sore sight it is!

Remember i don't sensor myself or talk with a curbed tongue, the following rants, raves, opinions, and strong comments your are about to read are stated because i can and wat to, take them in, process it in, and possibly get pissed or humored , these pots happens when I get my inner Carrie Bradshaw on, and start typing away while having another outer body experience!feel free to write back with your rhetoric, I welcome it, or if you think I may have left something out!


After researching, looking, witnessing, and reading about the state of mind and presence that my fellow GBLT community came from, versus where we are now, you would think one would be happy with the direction our face has taken! We as a whole went from being swept under the rugged, and shunned about, to being everywhere from TV, to radio, to print, to main stream media, to everyday bothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers, to being a hot commodity towards the single or married heterosexual woman( B/C you know they all want a GBF= gay best friend!) simply put it, you cant turn around anywhere and not see any one who belongs to the GBLT community, and if you don't, that because you don't want to admit it, or see one!

Never the less, it appears that being Gay or Bi or a Lesbian these days is the new black, pink and orange with polka dots, everyone is doing it! Like hey look at me, I'm kewl, I'm gay too, let's go to the vill, show our underwear, kiss random homo thugs, and chill at the waterfront! lol! What is that what being gay is all about.....in a nut shell no you little dickless, silly, tired, stage show reject Queens, yes I said, and it needs to be said! Being gays isn't a choice, you can't turn it on or off with a damn light switch, even though most of you poser do it well, lol, being gay is NOT a "chosen lifestyle", you idiot, no matter what those right winged liberals, republicans, idiotic narrow minded Christians, let's not practice tolerance but preach it priest, or asinine psychologist might theorize....OMG I'm going to scream if one more person say...you chose to be gay...no you ass..I chose to deal, love, and embrace my true inner self no matter what negative and or positive obstacles stand in my way of finding ones true inner peace, harmony, happiness, and love!!!!! Stop pretending.......

Now back to my song and dance, the vast majority of today's Modern Day Gay MAN scares me! You have Many kinds, and one of my favorite types are the Professional "hard working" Gay male looking oh soo good and sexy working trying to make it day to day,  being just as savvy and intellectual stimulating if not more then the "others"...my my my where are you in my life papi!  they have their own, take care of their own, maintain their own, and just lookign for someone to share and grow with!
Next...you have the has been Gay, then one's who should know there limits, and are way too old to still be carousing 20 yo guys in the vill, knowing damn well they need to finally settle down with their Mr. Right now, spend quality time home, together, and work on the more important things in life! Less face it, your not getting any younger, and your playa hay day were soo over like 10 years ago papi, when Adidas track suite and fresh white sneakers might have been still cute, dude ur pushing mid to lat 40's que se joda!

then You have the Vast majority of today's modern gays! The one who are like still preteens thinking it's kewl to hang out with this older guy even though he's almost fourty, hanging out late at night, trying to screw or get screwed by sum, good mandigo every way shape or form they can, snapping their fingers, say annoying ass things like...Hey Gurl...Ooh no She didn't.....I'm about to read this Bitch...and my favorite one....Bitch you beta work it......
Ok don;t get me wrong, who am I to blast right, but it's really sad when someone says sex party, or open bar, free bgc trade, a4a, clothing optional, or vogue, the crowd goes crazy, it's always packed, and you have a bunch of tired, confused, acne prone tweens, tearing down the walls to get in! Yet when we especially the gay male community try to have something organized, educated, classy and tasteful, gathering no matter what the topic may be, it's hard to fill the seats and pack the house! You can tell me all the lyrics to those stupid ass hell ghetto county songs, like Aunt Jackie, Snap ya fingers, or the latest 50 verse, but you can't even tell me the year of the Stonewall rebellion, or the nearest Art Museum, OR when the next Aids rally is, or even have a conversation about the latest gay right issues hundreds of thousandths of people are fighting for in our state assembly, and congress! It sickens me, the state, the vast majority of today's Modern Gay men are heading! Being dumb, uninformed, misguided, and misrepresented, is not a cute thing, as you would say Miss Thang.....! What happened when the person next to you, finally awakens, and realize, besides the sex, your emotionally damaged, socially inept, and just plain old stupid to actually have something meaningful and progressive for a stable future! And you wonder why you been with them for a while, and still has yet to be taken back to his house, met any of his closet friends and our relatives, and in some cases even claims you as their special sum one, and might i add out and about in public!

On the contrary, within my fellow community I do applaud one of a sub category within the family, LESBIANS, and I say may I tip off my Rosie and Ellen loved filled hat to you all! Have your ever realized how lesbians, find someone with in a week or 2, move in about 2-3 months later, adopt a pet, and have matching friends within about the first 5 months of meeting, lol@ sounds funny but soo true, and why because they know what the hell they want, and when they find it, they just know! I don't know, maybe because they have already the slight advantage because they are in fact two women, who actually emote and expresses their feelings, likes to be mentally stimulated, can have a conversation about a widespread of topics, and can actually stay MONOGAMOUS! Lesbians, not for nothing still do have a whole lot of drama, tons of it, it follows them around day in and day out, yet they still have their shift together! I know a lot of them myself, and especially 2 of my bff's have the most uncomplicated, loving,committed, passionate, like out of this world type relationship, which is breath taking, especially for their age, And something liek that is soo common in the lesbian world, but not so rare but ummm not exploited or projected in the lives of gay men! I don't know what all of you Rosie's are doing, but you have to be doing something right lol! Damn can a brother know your secret lol!

All I'm saying is, yes I know my English professor would have a ball with dissecting this, but Gay wanna be's, gay men, proud tinker bells of American, more importantly in the NY, LA, CA, FL and dirty part of ATL, can you please, and I do stress the world please, challenge your today's alleged gay men! The next time you see a tween prostitot, showing their H&M undies, walking aimlessly, say Chil please, And No that Bitch Didn't, and Girl I'm about to Read 'em, please grab him, enculturate him. inform him, make him aware of his past and present roads which lies ahead, invite him to the MET, or the local B&N , or down to a peaceful protest in front of your assemblies building or in the park, have him eat something besides pizza, and classic American food, talk about important key issues which can and will effect our future social well being, especially politics! Let the Alleged today's Modern Gay know, there more to Gay life, then Barney's, or H&M, and Rodeo Drive, or Hollywood BLVD, or Peachtree, or The Waterfront in the VIll, or the back alleys in ATL, or walking around sagging with your ugly ass undies showing, looking for the next quick fix in the form of a one night stand, or a BC, or those HOMO Thugs on the DL with a wife and 2 kids back home waiting on him!
We need to revitalize the conception of what the alleged modern Gay men looks like, or is projected towards the hetero's, lol! Let them know we are informed, we do vote, we do care about our future and planet collectively, let them know we follow politics dealing with government issues, foreign policies, healthcare, securing our ports, establishing other places besides Iran and Iraq as potential US Threats, and we can read, and we can have stimulating conversations before we have mind blowing sex, lol, let them know we can dress, look safisticated, and can be heads of company's, and own things, and don't call every other man chil, or gurl! Let them know we can form monogamous relationships, and have stable families, and all while still showing humanity towards each other and let them know Gay have many faces!

Ohh and FYI, I'm not knocking any one for the they feel they express their gayness, we all do it differently, just remember what you do defines who you are, not what or who you say you are! Everyone's watching, they judge US as a Whole, so remember my fellow GBLT what you do and what you say reflects and effects me, you, your friends, and our future! I know there still are tons of respectable, hard working, reputable, sophisticated, intellectually mind blowing men and women in the GBLT community, but I just had to ahhh Read the others lol! CIAO

*Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, thank you 4 expressing who you truly are*

~~ Live,Love,Laugh,Learn & Grow~~~ still lost in translation