You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you have and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never regret. Learn from your mistakes, but never regret! People change, things go wrong just remember life goes on!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Estelel said it best ..I Can be a Freak,,,

He never had it like was out of control

When he lets out a moan...the beast within him unfolds
rushes of blood rush through is hands and arms
as he grips around my ass and with his charms
he stops his strokes and licks it up and down
from the bottom to the top, he deserves to pound
but he teases, and fingers, in and out make n it sensational
corner to corner, further and further, he feels for spaces
he grips his hand and makes him quicken his pace
I scream, he moans, my leg lifted horizontal in the air
he kisses each section and i give him so much bare
He slides in. pops out, as the head plays hide & seek
from the looks on his face, he's stroking twice more..
He turns me around, while standing on the couch
slaps my ass, hard, and firm and then sticks it in, with no doubt..
as I throw it back n say deeper while leaning up biting him.
He breathes as i hold my legs to 2gether
He goes faster for the better ....he start's to speed it up
as he pounds with action
he spreads my cheeks wider for satisfaction
he drips so much, he swear he sees his juices spell his name
so he gets rougher and harder, bc he's about 2 go insane
he closes his eyes for the finale, I closes mine as well
He lets it out, all out....
I kissed him gently and says "told u I could be a freak"

Nocturnal Emissions .....

6 AM, and I just want this raging hard on to end
All I need is a favor from a friend
A trade, someone take away this perversion I've made
Damn, I need Sex!

Hands slipping under covers, dipping below the waist line
Pretending that in fact they're not mine,
No, they're his and he's trying to find
That motion that's naturally inclined
To make me believe I've gone blind
"Yes, yes, all you have to do is say yes" I plead in my mind
Arching my back, flexing my spine
Opening my mouth starving to be fed, biting my lip, mute words undefined
begging him, "please, I want more, F*ck me.."
relapse as time starts to unwind~

Unravels, ripping, my hands go numb
Furiously jerking fingers and thumb
The alarm goes off~ but I'm almost done..ALMOST there..don't stop..!
And just as I'm about to cum..~
I'm late for work, awe f*ck real life isn't fun..

~Lost in translation yet enjoying the Sticky & Sweat ride....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

And the results are in....

Dear mister in the white lab coat, give me th news...straight up...what are the result...

within all the writings, crazy people, thing's, events, work, planning and getting thing's in order i have not had a moment to rejoice and tell anyone else the results are in... they came back from another lab last week.. it's's not XYZ, im all clear, no more meds, no test, no studies, nothing i'm all clear... thank goodness, it was just a scare my hair was starting to get patchy from the meds.

a mid summer's night dream....

..... TONIGHT I dreamt of U. In my dream we "CONNECTED." Over the phone. U were over there, and I was over here. The things I said to u.... Still play back in my mind.

If I take U from BEHIND
Push MYSELF into ur mind
When u least expect IT
Will u try and REJECT it
If I'm in CHARGE and I treat u like a CHILD
Will u let urself go WILD
Let my MOUTH go where it WANTS TOO........

Once u put ur hand into the FLAME
U can NEVER be the same
There's a certain SATISFACTION
In a little bit of PAIN
I can tell that ur the SAME
If ur AFRAID, well rise again
I only hurt the ones I LOVE

I don't think U know what PAIN is
I don't think U've gone THAT way
I could bring u so much PLEASURE
I'll CUM to u when u say
I know u want ME
I'm not gonna HURT u

I'm NOT gonna hurt u
just CLOSE ur eyes......

...... Then I woke up.

this is ultra sexy, i am not cliaming this as my own

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Note 2 God..Charice version not Jojo

"Note To God"

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I would say what on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

No, no no no
We can't do this on our own

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God

Steady stream of consciousness ....

So far this week, was quite tailspin within itself.. I definitely did relapse. just when I thought I made a huge step in the right direction, I step knee deep in shit and take 2 steps backwards, ugh.. damn this continuous rollercoaster... will there ever be a point where everything in life will be balanced and were all "fine" what's to say my constant state of "controlled" chaos is my normal... what is exactly normal? who is exactly normal? I just hate having this enchanted stigma of what or how everything is suppose to be...this week was just a complete unpredictable cycle for me, no matter how I try to dissect this paradigm. And the sad part I kind of now what the issue is, I just chose not to deal with and it ignore it, eventually it's bound to dissipate, yet I feel like Pandora's box is just growing and itching to be let opened and plunged into the entity know as my mental realm. Crazy I know, but what else is there to do...
So since my last entry, my doctor said we hit a milestone, a "breakthrough" if you will. One of these milestones was nothing new for me, I think it's just i'm finally being completely open and honest with my doctor. I realized more so now at this point in my life, even after the incident I need to be open and divulge with him and spew my words upon his unbiased ear. it's not like I have anyone else to lay my burden's on, without paying for it one way or another. I think with a lot of these latest occurrences and the people in my life, I need to talk to someone. i'm starting to realize my friends name are being mentioned more and more in my doctors sessions, the good, the bad and the ugly...tell me why the f*ck am I talking about there asses during my session and i'm the one paying for these visit's! granted they might even be apart of the situation, but still, WTF....

Apparently the doctor discussed that i'm a type A personality, and i'm being co-dependant on my friends in substitute of having a "real relationship". What in the hell does he know about me and my relationship?!
he said instead of working on my past, and mending through the hurt and heartbreak, the pain of what happened after the incident to follow, and deal with it head on, that I'm mending different types of relationships with people because it's easier and doesn't pose a potential threat with me getting hurt. although at times I have to question and wonder it that's totally true. my life has always been a revolving door of people coming in and out my life, and I find that still holds truth present day. It's painful, but I think this is why I have an automatic shell and heavily guarded wall to protect me, not just from the outsiders, but for the people who already worked there way in. someone once told me, watch your enemies because they want to hurt you, however watch your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you... And that stuck with me every since. I've always had a huge trust issues, especially after whatever happened, happened, specially and the person was close to me.. No matter how much I try to let someone in, something in me always screams pull back, no matter how much I want to cave in and divulge everything about me! I want people to know me, I want people to feel me, I want someone to understand me, i want them to see me yet how will they. how will they ever see me, and the whole me if all I do is share just a piece of me? Love and trust builds us up, yet can just as quickly they can break us down and destroy us, from the inside out!

how can I expect to be loved and for someone to love me, if I can't allow them to fully love me? I don't know hence the issue. You ever want something so bad, it totally consumes you, embraces itself around every thought, and infiltrate every aspect of your day to a point where it makes sense to you and only you.. It's so close you can taste it on the tip of your tongue, only to realize it's so far away, as it being taken pried from the cusp of your hands and ripped apart from your soul.. I find myself having that feeling, to the point where it makes me mentally and physically ill.. I've been here before and didn't think I would revisit that place, so soon. Can the healing elixir also be one of the key ingredients poisoning me? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an already lost and completed battle? Is it just for entertainment? ugh, Fuck you, pay me... I think not...

..I guess Christina was right when she said what do you do when you know something's bad for you, but you just can't walk away.... My response, what if you don't know if it's bad for you...what if you're just a little lost and confused and need assistance trying to figure it all out...

But I do think my doctor my be somewhat right, my friends are a reflection upon me, and they do hold qualities my 4th and 5th boyfriend possessed, which were the best relationship I ever had, I don't really think I'm using them as a crutch or to have make shift relationships. I honestly enjoy my friends and any time we share,. however I would be lying to myself, if I said that was completely true. my mind is always working, thinking and functioning, even if I'm not on the same page with it, but my CPU is def working into overtime and it has something in store... I just with I knew what the hell "it" is and please also, I just wish I knew what the hell my mind wanted.

I find myself in a constant struggle with what the heart wants, verses what the mind knows and throws in the mix the emotional factor as well. Like I always say, and someone just reiterated early this morning, to be so bright, I can be so naive and blind at times. I rush into thing with my heart and emotions first, and my brain and sense of self always are staggering in a distant second. I know it's foolish, I know it far fetched, I know it probably will never be, yet I always think and imagine what if.... I wander why...and more importantly why not?!?!

off the subject, but you ever just second guess yourself and ask the dreaded question why me, and why not... I've been doing that lately, which is out of my character.... but I think I'm getting back on track to saying it's not's you! I hate that your making me question myself? I hate that you're making me feel like XYZ. and I hate myself for even allowing you to have this power over me. I'm stronger than that, yet I find myself hiking the inferior route.

I know where it steams from, I hate the predator which created this being in me, you have me feeling like this, you fucked me up forever, you took away something which I try to regain, you stole a piece of me I want back. how in the hell can I give someone all of me 100% if I'm not whole to begin with!! No matter how much I try to just go on and live, and keep a smile on my face, I still hurt, I still grow sad, I still hurt and I'm still alone! I can't even give someone a hug, without thinking "what do they want" you *ucking bastard I Hate You.....

I refuse to give up on life. love, and the pursuit of happiness and liberating myself from it all. I know there will be a rainbow at the end of my rainstorm, like Mariah said I will make it through the rain...I just want to be happy..

These are my words..these are my turths..these are my expressions..this is Me... def lost in tranlation will you be my guide!~~

Now you're gone....

You said the good is suppose to out weight the bad... my yellow is allegedly brighter then the grey... why can't I have happy, why can't I enjoy happy... I do... I have moments... but will it ever be a steady stream... or will I continue to have partial happiness? You promised you wouldn't leave me, you said you would be there to wipe away my tears, you said you would always be there to huge me, to hold me, you said you would always love me, you would help me grow, your suppose to be there to let e fall yet assist in rebuilding myself back up, you left me, you left me behind... who will be there for me now... who will be the partner to the partner, who misses his hero. I still cry, I still have moments where I think it's not real, I still have day's where I don't want to do anything or see anyone, until I see or hear from you. I miss you, I loved you, and I still love you.......I want my pa pa back ,I miss my grandpa