You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you have and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never regret. Learn from your mistakes, but never regret! People change, things go wrong just remember life goes on!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Soldier of love- Sade

The lyrics speak volumes, and the way I feel, i always cherished Sade, she speaks to and from my heart! ~ !

Is it Real...

Long empty somber, cry filled restless nights, turn into long busy fly by days make the pain subdue as I trek on with my impenetrable happy face, everyone has grown to love and value. But it is real?! the painstaking agony of loneliness, and emptiness emotionally and physically plagues my body and soul with negativity. It puts me in a catatonic stance. It detaches me from this realm I try to make my reality, verses what I've become accustomed to and accepted. if I get disillusioned any further, how can I tell which one is which. fantasy or realty... is it real?

My own inner daemons forcibly trying to bellow out, trying to run rampant yet i try to keep them all contained. Leaving me here, socially drawn, emotionally inept, mentally and physically exhausted. I sit and wonder in my fortress of solitude how much longer can I keep this charade up! Restless night crying myself to sleep have become so routine, taking pill after pill, shot after shot, sitting here in the dim filled room, waiting for that beacon of light. in the future someone holds the key to unlock me and set me free from this dim dark dismal room filled with painted on stoic unrealistic faces, all ready for my next command, yet not really knowing, all while asking myself it real?

Running from the truth, yet finally engulfed in all it's rage, anger, remorse, sadness and revenge, awaiting to see where will it take me next. Asking myself why and how, and when will it end, yet never missing a beat as I stand there with my go to warrior face ready to tackle on yet another new day, appearing happy and carefree. Will they ever truly know the many stages which I embody? Will anyone ever really be there for my characters? As the man in the long white coat and cold instruments stare me in the face, reciting the verdict, as I look down upon my sins laying at my feet crawling up to put the truth I dare to scream out in a crippling stronghold,,, 1 word I dare not get out...yet the thought's are there? Can i speak? Can i tell you? What can I say? Still there laying listlessly wonder what's next to come, and I try to speak...but can't ...Is it real?

What's done is done, the impurities of yesterday carried on the stepping stones and building blocks of tomorrow, laying dormant until it's next cycle rear's it ugly head and leave it's marks upon my used angry body. trying to keep it at bay seams so easy, yet so hard to do, never been through this before or anything like it. Is this punishment ? is this a cruel joke and everyone's in on it but me? Is this a harsh nightmare i can see and feel yet can not speak nor wake up from? Again... is this real?

The days are treading by slowly and the cure is staggering around the corner even further. A scorned, sinned body exposed to humility, drenched by the claws of the shameless and hung out to dry by the shackles of realization and deceit, those two cowardly, unspoken bastards. Never was I forewarned or led to believe anything differently. You could have said something even if you thought there was a possibility, now the mere sight of it all sickens me to my very core. Your lies were like daggers forcibly being gushed into my heart, invading my mind like poisonous elixir, yet i craved more and wanted more. your love was never ending, and had me drifting afloat, high of your love, and entangled with happiness and pure pleasure. hindsight is always better then foresight and now i see it was all an illusion! did you get what you wanted? Where the random whores and absence of the mind worth all you gave up and traded me in for, was it everything you thought it was going to be, at least you got your temporary fix! Left bitter, angry, scorned, bruised, and battered, and hell bent on revenge. Do i forgive, hell no to make it easier for who, clearly not me! Yet again, it leaves me wondering sis all this bullshit...Is it real?

Left alone to scurry and blend in the room alone....with nowhere to go, and noone to share with. How can I feel so alone and so afraid, with so many faces around staring back . How can I have everyone yet still have no one! Do you really get it, do you really get me? Do you really know me? do you even want to try? As daylight breaks, and I go through my usual routine, swallowing my issue's, putting aside my anger, hurt and pain, try to listen to and care for another. yet when will i get to deal, when will it be my turn to hurt, who's going to be there to help and listen to me, and fix me?

Excuse me, mister in the long white coat and cold instruments, how long will this take and can you help? because I really need to find out if this is real?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Today's modern gay male ...misrepresented!

Hey luvies sorry and excuse me for the hiatus, been a little preoccupied assistign others and trying to deal with my own crap but something that has really been bothering me for quite some time now has forced me out of my pre emptied retirement! One thing sum's it up, Today's alleged Gay Modern Man.... and boy what a sore sight it is!

Remember i don't sensor myself or talk with a curbed tongue, the following rants, raves, opinions, and strong comments your are about to read are stated because i can and wat to, take them in, process it in, and possibly get pissed or humored , these pots happens when I get my inner Carrie Bradshaw on, and start typing away while having another outer body experience!feel free to write back with your rhetoric, I welcome it, or if you think I may have left something out!

After researching, looking, witnessing, and reading about the state of mind and presence that my fellow GBLT community came from, versus where we are now, you would think one would be happy with the direction our face has taken! We as a whole went from being swept under the rugged, and shunned about, to being everywhere from TV, to radio, to print, to main stream media, to everyday bothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers, to being a hot commodity towards the single or married heterosexual woman( B/C you know they all want a GBF= gay best friend!) simply put it, you cant turn around anywhere and not see any one who belongs to the GBLT community, and if you don't, that because you don't want to admit it, or see one!

Never the less, it appears that being Gay or Bi or a Lesbian these days is the new black, pink and orange with polka dots, everyone is doing it! Like hey look at me, I'm kewl, I'm gay too, let's go to the vill, show our underwear, kiss random homo thugs, and chill at the waterfront! lol! What is that what being gay is all a nut shell no you little dickless, silly, tired, stage show reject Queens, yes I said, and it needs to be said! Being gays isn't a choice, you can't turn it on or off with a damn light switch, even though most of you poser do it well, lol, being gay is NOT a "chosen lifestyle", you idiot, no matter what those right winged liberals, republicans, idiotic narrow minded Christians, let's not practice tolerance but preach it priest, or asinine psychologist might theorize....OMG I'm going to scream if one more person chose to be you ass..I chose to deal, love, and embrace my true inner self no matter what negative and or positive obstacles stand in my way of finding ones true inner peace, harmony, happiness, and love!!!!! Stop pretending.......

Now back to my song and dance, the vast majority of today's Modern Day Gay MAN scares me! You have Many kinds, and one of my favorite types are the Professional "hard working" Gay male looking oh soo good and sexy working trying to make it day to day,  being just as savvy and intellectual stimulating if not more then the "others" my my where are you in my life papi!  they have their own, take care of their own, maintain their own, and just lookign for someone to share and grow with! have the has been Gay, then one's who should know there limits, and are way too old to still be carousing 20 yo guys in the vill, knowing damn well they need to finally settle down with their Mr. Right now, spend quality time home, together, and work on the more important things in life! Less face it, your not getting any younger, and your playa hay day were soo over like 10 years ago papi, when Adidas track suite and fresh white sneakers might have been still cute, dude ur pushing mid to lat 40's que se joda!

then You have the Vast majority of today's modern gays! The one who are like still preteens thinking it's kewl to hang out with this older guy even though he's almost fourty, hanging out late at night, trying to screw or get screwed by sum, good mandigo every way shape or form they can, snapping their fingers, say annoying ass things like...Hey Gurl...Ooh no She didn't.....I'm about to read this Bitch...and my favorite one....Bitch you beta work it......
Ok don;t get me wrong, who am I to blast right, but it's really sad when someone says sex party, or open bar, free bgc trade, a4a, clothing optional, or vogue, the crowd goes crazy, it's always packed, and you have a bunch of tired, confused, acne prone tweens, tearing down the walls to get in! Yet when we especially the gay male community try to have something organized, educated, classy and tasteful, gathering no matter what the topic may be, it's hard to fill the seats and pack the house! You can tell me all the lyrics to those stupid ass hell ghetto county songs, like Aunt Jackie, Snap ya fingers, or the latest 50 verse, but you can't even tell me the year of the Stonewall rebellion, or the nearest Art Museum, OR when the next Aids rally is, or even have a conversation about the latest gay right issues hundreds of thousandths of people are fighting for in our state assembly, and congress! It sickens me, the state, the vast majority of today's Modern Gay men are heading! Being dumb, uninformed, misguided, and misrepresented, is not a cute thing, as you would say Miss Thang.....! What happened when the person next to you, finally awakens, and realize, besides the sex, your emotionally damaged, socially inept, and just plain old stupid to actually have something meaningful and progressive for a stable future! And you wonder why you been with them for a while, and still has yet to be taken back to his house, met any of his closet friends and our relatives, and in some cases even claims you as their special sum one, and might i add out and about in public!

On the contrary, within my fellow community I do applaud one of a sub category within the family, LESBIANS, and I say may I tip off my Rosie and Ellen loved filled hat to you all! Have your ever realized how lesbians, find someone with in a week or 2, move in about 2-3 months later, adopt a pet, and have matching friends within about the first 5 months of meeting, lol@ sounds funny but soo true, and why because they know what the hell they want, and when they find it, they just know! I don't know, maybe because they have already the slight advantage because they are in fact two women, who actually emote and expresses their feelings, likes to be mentally stimulated, can have a conversation about a widespread of topics, and can actually stay MONOGAMOUS! Lesbians, not for nothing still do have a whole lot of drama, tons of it, it follows them around day in and day out, yet they still have their shift together! I know a lot of them myself, and especially 2 of my bff's have the most uncomplicated, loving,committed, passionate, like out of this world type relationship, which is breath taking, especially for their age, And something liek that is soo common in the lesbian world, but not so rare but ummm not exploited or projected in the lives of gay men! I don't know what all of you Rosie's are doing, but you have to be doing something right lol! Damn can a brother know your secret lol!

All I'm saying is, yes I know my English professor would have a ball with dissecting this, but Gay wanna be's, gay men, proud tinker bells of American, more importantly in the NY, LA, CA, FL and dirty part of ATL, can you please, and I do stress the world please, challenge your today's alleged gay men! The next time you see a tween prostitot, showing their H&M undies, walking aimlessly, say Chil please, And No that Bitch Didn't, and Girl I'm about to Read 'em, please grab him, enculturate him. inform him, make him aware of his past and present roads which lies ahead, invite him to the MET, or the local B&N , or down to a peaceful protest in front of your assemblies building or in the park, have him eat something besides pizza, and classic American food, talk about important key issues which can and will effect our future social well being, especially politics! Let the Alleged today's Modern Gay know, there more to Gay life, then Barney's, or H&M, and Rodeo Drive, or Hollywood BLVD, or Peachtree, or The Waterfront in the VIll, or the back alleys in ATL, or walking around sagging with your ugly ass undies showing, looking for the next quick fix in the form of a one night stand, or a BC, or those HOMO Thugs on the DL with a wife and 2 kids back home waiting on him!
We need to revitalize the conception of what the alleged modern Gay men looks like, or is projected towards the hetero's, lol! Let them know we are informed, we do vote, we do care about our future and planet collectively, let them know we follow politics dealing with government issues, foreign policies, healthcare, securing our ports, establishing other places besides Iran and Iraq as potential US Threats, and we can read, and we can have stimulating conversations before we have mind blowing sex, lol, let them know we can dress, look safisticated, and can be heads of company's, and own things, and don't call every other man chil, or gurl! Let them know we can form monogamous relationships, and have stable families, and all while still showing humanity towards each other and let them know Gay have many faces!

Ohh and FYI, I'm not knocking any one for the they feel they express their gayness, we all do it differently, just remember what you do defines who you are, not what or who you say you are! Everyone's watching, they judge US as a Whole, so remember my fellow GBLT what you do and what you say reflects and effects me, you, your friends, and our future! I know there still are tons of respectable, hard working, reputable, sophisticated, intellectually mind blowing men and women in the GBLT community, but I just had to ahhh Read the others lol! CIAO

*Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, thank you 4 expressing who you truly are*

~~ Live,Love,Laugh,Learn & Grow~~~ still lost in translation

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Is the Poison my CURE?!?!

I refuse, but sitting in the good ol'e couch just thinking about *#&% and even #%^@ I just had another realization I was trying to avoid and not even entertain...however...I think it may have arrived....ugh....
"Your bad for me, I clearly get's a breaking situation I'm in but I can't control it, your just like poison, slowing moving through my system breaking all my defenses with time. your just like poison, and I just don't get not sure what to do, its a catch 22,cause the cure is found in u, I don't want it but I do, your just like poison my affliction I'm addicted I cant lie......

what's the prognosis, how many doses am I in need of now, will u be around... it's not just my body it's my mind, you don't know how many times I told myself I can't do and i don't need to.".....B

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Not in sync body parts....

Dear Heart..

I met a boy today..
Prepare to shatter in 5....4....3....2...

Heart, if he looks kind of familiar it's because you've seen him before..
Remember the feeling he use to give us send trembles throughout our body just by his presence or spoken word..
Remember the way his kind words made us feel oh so special

Remember the warmth of his gentle hand, they way we kissed the way we made love, over, and over, and over again, not to mention the time we just use to straight up f*ck...
Yes... heart I bet you remember, well today we repaid him a visit after work.

Heart, you were there, why did you let that happen..
it was suppose to be strictly just to talk, you couldn't help yourself could you, you just had to let down your defense and open up.. bloody heart..... you need to stop taking control of thing's all the damn time..
Excuse me heart, i thought we were on the same team here, but I think you might be more in line with him....the Ex...
UGH... and dick, me and u were not even on the same page, i'm going to have a word with you later... clearly you did all the thinking for us, me and heart had no chance.... but i think we both thank you secretly
That's it heart I think me and you might have to part way again soon, before you take me down that path again, but i might have to start listening to Mr. Dick more often lol !

the Open Grandpa

Hey guys, I wanted to share a another layer of myself to you all, below is what I scratched out of my head the day before my grandfather’s funeral!
The open letter:


You always told us to dream big and dream far, never allow anyone to determine the outcome for you, and always be accountable for your actions. Words of guidance, all learned from life lessons.

Grand dad you remember all the countless stories you bestowed upon us as we sat upon your lap, and dining room table. You shared your stories just as vivid as the day just passed us by, without missing a beat.

Pop pop, you smell that, you can still catch a hint of Mr. clean, pine, baked goods and fresh laundry filling the Saturday morning air, as we all pitch in while listening to your records bellowing throughout the house, cleaning vigorously and singing along. All why trying to figure out what kind of cake grandma is baking downstairs, saying “I hope it’s not chocolate!”

Thank you for the ever so popular question you always asked “but why?”, and for challenging us, making us think and never allowing us to settle on the reason “just because” Always there to lend a helping hand, no matter how big or small the situation may be, just because you could.

You shared so much, you cared for so many, you helped vigorously, and your love was bountiful and everlasting. Always to be remembered, never to be forgotten, bestowed upon our hearts forever, and always on our mind, heart & spirit. Torn away from us so soon, however deeply embedded forever, holding you firmly, both of us smiling from ear to ear, never will we say goodbye, but more like a see you later grand pa, see you later!

With love Grandson

Sunday, January 3, 2010

01/02/2010 a piece of my heart was taken,my Grandfather passed

Today is the day my heart it no longer whole, it's missing a piece, separated without warning and snatched from this vessel of a body I inhabit, today was the day it finally sank it, my grandfather passed away last night. it's almost feels as this is not real, and i am in this horrible nightmare and can't manage to wake up. as I was telling fuzzy last night, I only had to cope with 2 other ppl close to me passing, so death and learning how to cope with it is so foreign to me, I'm not use to this, let alone for someone I care so deeply for. I just recently spoke to him, he and my grandmother even just sent me a birthday card for my b-day on 12/30, it's like I'm being the butt of a cruel joke, where i am waiting for asthon to jump out and say ur being punked! I can't I cant grasp what happened. I know at least he passed happy, and the first and last person who he saw before leaving was his dearly beloved, my grandmother. apparently he phoned home last night to my grandmother to say he was on his way home from the deacon's meeting at the church and he was not feeling well, he left the car light on and came inside the house. my grandmother placed him on the couch, after they had conversation he said I left the light on coming home, can you turn it off for me. as she made her way to the car and back, in just the quick amount of time she came back, and there he was slouched over on the couch, laying there peacefully. he devoted his life to the church, and it's only fitting after spreading the word he saw his wife on last time before "going home" my grandparents are everything to me, I was there first grandchild, and we had a bound that was unparallel to no other, it's deeply rooted, and flourish with love, care and support. everything I did, no matter how big or how small, they were always there, and I too returned the favor! this is hard for me, I have been up all night and day crying, I can't cry anymore, I weep and weep but nothing come's out, just a loud bellowing sound, which I try to keep to myself yet everyone knows. it's weird because my aunt just recently said " good forbid is anything ever happens to mom and pop, I know your going to take it the hardest." and long and behold, how true it is, I mean I commend my mother and the rest of his children, there trying to stay brave and put on a face, yet I can still see the hurt and pain behind there warrior like stone face, it's a veil as they try to hide their true emotions. myself on the other hand, I'm too tired and emotional to wear a mask, even my grandmother told me not to cry, she said he is fine and he would not want us to cry. but that one wish I can not obey, I have to, I need to get it all out, I need to get this anger, and frustration, and sadness, and bitter remorse all out, as I ask the same old aged question why god, why him and why now?!  as i sit here listening to one of his favorite song's -climb the rough side of the mountain~

As I cry here, trying to finish I can't,..... I leave for Georgia in the morning, ...10,000 apologies but I can't finish this......the End.....

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Men, Lies, love & Fu^king ... oh myyy..

Ok guys and dolls, it's that time again, I hope ur ready.... b/c baby I have some sh*t to say, I tell this to ppl all the time don't let the Prada and me being primp and proper fools you, b/c baby I can def get down with the best of them, as I flip my hair, brush my arched brow, and walk away giving you just that much extra to stare at! yessssss and don't forget it bam boo!!!!

SO I def do owe u guys like 3 updates, this on will focus on a few different topics and kind of vary seeing how it's after 10 am and im just getting home, and the sexing and trios and smutting I've witnessed over the last 72 hours, but that's another blog for today!

So here goes, as I listen to Mike Ant- episode and neyo's apart of the list, bc I try to think and dissect the various conversation I've had with a few different people over the last week or so, and it seams everyone is having an issue with this silly little "thing called love"... like Noah said love is a 4 letter word just like free, and when ur totally free to be in love, and love freely it's the best thing ever, blah blah blah,!!! you know what I say, screw that bully, when u see love, tell that 2 cent trollup I have been looking for her, and she has not done me right lately and when I find her, baby she better take off the door knockers, throw on the Vaseline and it's going to be me & her, b.c I'm coming for that ass, I'm def going to give her a piece of my mind.

last time I seen love, involved me, ice cream, my good old bed, and a few endless hours watching lifetime playing the "victim role" wondering why and how come! ugh...flashback that wasn't pretty at all!

but... I'm thinking love as humans gay, straight, confused and everything in between, were always looking and searching for this perfect, everlasting, endless, unconditional, fairy tale type of the perfect embodiment of this emotion and everything which it entails, is it ever really there though? how can something so perfect, and bountiful and magical be set up so flawed, yet were looking for it throughout our entire lives?

it's like a cruel joke.

I'm trying to think if you had to chose would you rather 1) invest in love endlessly and unconditional with that special one without knowing the reciprocating factor or 2) would you rather be loved unconditionally and never having to know the true meaning to love as to give. I honestly don't think you can have one without the other, but honey these day's it seams like it slim pickings, and or you have to alter your perception and your needs and requirement just to try help the other person fit your 'criteria"... question, why the f%^k do I have to alter what I want to help your ass be with me, I beg your pardon mister, I refuse.. I mean for a friendly fuck or one night stand that's one thing, but for something else I refuse to lower my expectations.

I've seen 3 people in the last month and a half fall in love, get caught up, and now with every being try to stay sane while learning how to unlove the person who they love but can't never receive their guy's true feelings or emotions...well no actually 4 but 3 of them all revolved around their relationship with the same guy... they reached their "I don't give a fu$k" level

Side bar, if only these silly little boys and boy/ girls would start meaning what the F%^K they say and say what the FU^K they mean, and ... wait here's the big one actually practice being in a MONOGAMOUS  relationship, then maybe we can work. But I know how these tricks and trollups like to think with their little head rather then their big head, ughhh (insert primal scream) Being in a relationship is hard enough, but when I have to watch myself, my man, and these nasty 2 cent whore's going after him and my good penga he's giving me Houston we have a problem and, now it's getting a little tiresome.... and it's not that I would trust him, but honey I'm a man, don't let the Prada full you, I know how men think and act, and it's not him I don't trust, it's a combination of the substances flowing, his little man who's standing at attention 24 / 7 saying play now think later and this thirsty trick next to him I have to look out for, b/c baby at the end of the day a man, is going to be a man, one way or another his little man will always win, let's just hope you can services him and assist b4 the next tramp step up to the plate knee's first and all... And these new breed of thunder cunt's have no shame....there quick shameless, and ruthless!

Anyways back to my song & dance..... love has not been here lately, and I knew her truly, I mean yes I was in love with mike, and yes he was a closeted gay man, and yes he was engaged, and yes he lied to me at first, but baby the way he f^Cked me, he saw me for me, he understood me, held me, and listened to me, and the way we spent time together out of the bed and not just fucking, I was truly in total awe of him. He wanted more from me, and I was just not prepared to give it to him, I was young, dumb and full of ..c#m but you know how the old saying goes " you never know what you have until it's gone" and the way I realized he was something good for me, it was too late.. sometimes people have to learn the hard way, and baby I busted my ass, but I learned a valuable lesson, a good old life lesson. And I blame my damn ass for messing that up, but come one he was engaged, and no matter how shady u thunder cunts say I can be, the whole engaged thing was bothering me, it was irking my soul.....and the fact she almost caught us twice, I knew I had to do something when my ass was butt ass naked hiding in his walk in closet in the spare bedroom, while his fiancé was storming through the house looking for the thirsty bitch sleeping with her man, if she only knew I was in the next room in that good ol'e closet....OMG that would have not been too cute...

Side bar, speaking of fu^king, is it bad that since my last lunch time fuck I had on my lunch break with the last jump off almost 2 weeks ago, I kind of want to have hot , wild, a little forceful, passionate, mind blowing, toe curling sex with these three guys! I mean one is John, who I met through twin, omg have you seen his body I've only seen it with clothes on, and baby I want to see more, he reminds me of the type of dude you want to meet in back alley around 4 am, drunk, while you pretend you don't want it while he is ready and about to serve you up the best sex ever, and he looks like he will eat a clean bugina for days honey, I would just let him use me every way but the right way and then some.... lol, and the other names....ummm I can't say that just yet..... that would be too scandalous... granted specially one might be a certain someone's ex who they both were head over heals in love with, and now dot dot dot to be continued and the other one is umm ..quite unexpected yet im more intrigued every time...., but baby I think I would let them both use me....and or at the same time, I mean it is what it is honey...... don't judge and don't look at me like that, like you haven't done a few scandalous things in your past, umm hmm and who's dick did you just have in you last night, lol (insert side eye) exactly judge Judy lol, I'm just saying what your thinking...
And while I'm jumping around from place to place, b/c clearly the red bull is kicking in, I don't understand the plight of the closeted homosexual who is so far in, there barely visible. after talking to my sister, Mykel the past few weeks, I see what he is going through. "I mean damn, the boy is going through it, and he is letting Xavier wear him down, mentally that is, and I think my little sister is reaching her breaking point too... People need to realize sometimes the thing's their searching for and can claim they want, is right in front of their face, yet their to busy looking elsewhere to know it! but you know what babe, I don't feel for you, b/c you already know sooner then later your going to be taken by someone who will appreciate you and accept what you're willing to offer, and maybe that's when it will hit him! Ugh boys, boys, boys can't live with them, can't live without them, damn it!

i left out a few thing but i promise you have at least 2 more blogs by the end of this weekend, including my top 10 rules men need to follow! lol

Signing off...still lost in translation XOXO Ciao