You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you have and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never regret. Learn from your mistakes, but never regret! People change, things go wrong just remember life goes on!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Truthful thoughts escaping from an open window!

So it is safe to say I think I pretty much figured out a few issue, which I tried to alleviate before they became to something of this magnitude what so ever! This past week, I know I have been feeling a certain way, but I figured it would pass and I would "Get over it..." clearly not, and it's sort of becoming visible. I think my cracks are starting to show through my porcelain, ever so charming mask?! why am I feeling this way? why do I let it get to me the way I do? Why did I let you in, and give you a glimpse of my true essence, and not just the "Public me.." it's frustrating s hell....

I was going through something yesterday and had to talk to someone with a few of my issue's, because for everyone sake I couldn't tell everything to just anyone, this brain has too much knowledge which could be harmful it in the wrong hands lol, and just so happen fuzzy was feeling some type of way as well. So we met up at his happy place, this place where our troubles sort of dissipate and we can talk, laugh, show emotions and just let it all out without anything or anyone around, the same place where memories are made and it feels children's heart with glee and laughter...yup we went to the park, more importantly to the swing set, one of his and my favorite places!
We had quite the interesting talk, no limits, everything was open a blunt as usual... we both said and admitted to a few things which made us both think, and maybe gasp and question...however within the midst of our conversation as we walked pass the soccer field towards the cars, we touched on a subject which I didn't really want to open up about, especially now, but some how babe knew where I was going before the words left the tip of my tongue. not sure how but apparently it was self evident, he doesn't know but it was kind of bothersome to me, he was thinking that. I'm upset he kind of touched upon it before I could get a handle on it myself...I didn't think something like that was visible, and I tried my best to protect it and cover it... I guess I didn't do much of a good job. I did something I usually don't do, especially to someone who I consider a close friend, I lied, I diverted the conversation and completely didn't even respond... I tried to dismiss it, like it was completely erroneous. however he was right., and he knew what he was talking about, yet I didn't want to acknowledge this idea, this thought, this presence, this feeling... this emotion..... how it came about I don't know, why ? I wish I knew, but I didn't want to aide it at all.. it just happened, and I don't know how to properly let it go... it's like I almost enjoy inflicting this mental and emotional self abuse on my already weary, withered and discombobulated mind .... why put myself through the torture, when the end result is clearly visible.... the grass doe not appear to be greener on the other, side, no matter how much I wish it would be different or the outcome would change.. I refuse to be that old friend again, I refuse... I grew up , I'm older, wiser and ,more mature then I was a few years ago. so I have no choice but to ....IDK
But I think it's time for me to go into hiding and commit social suicide for a spell.I think I need to take a break from you and especially you... your like my drug...I need an elixir.. and I defiantly need to go to rehab, I need to refocus on me, I need to deal with my issues, instead of placing them under the rug. I think I'm spreading myself way to thin, and I think I've become too vested in this circle of endless possibilities.

I feel myself getting a little more agitated and angrier by the day, and I know it takes a lot to get m upset, but I feel like I am nearing that explosive point, and I go in... so I need to withdraw myself from the hustle and bustle, and hectic social scheme of things within all 7 of my different inner social circle's. I bury myself and my issues at the bottom of everything ands take on everything and everyone else so I remain too busy to deal with my own crap. Besides a great tongue and a hard dick I think I also need some

me time.. just to get away , clear my head, refocus my chi and build myself back up. I'm starting to slip and I think its starting to show emotions and my vulnerability. I'm never usually this emotional unstable, the slightest thing's is pissing me off! ugh
I realized for the past few weeks I have been going boy crazy, again shades of the old me... it's like sex and food use to be my therapy and help aide me get through whatever I was going through at the current moment. now, since I don't really do the food part, I do but in small moderation, my sex drive is kicking into overdrive. it's ragging and imp not sure how much longer I can hold it at bay! and it doesn't even have to be sex, I just want to be face fucked hard, while talking dirty and heavy then he can go to work and eat my ass until we both cum loud and mercifully...thanking god while were in all our glory... I find it quite ironic how I call on and know god mostly while I'm in the midst of some pretty raunchy things... I consider him part of the audience!...with that picture being painted I think I just had an orgasm in my mind ... I feel for the next guy I have sex for he better be able to keep it hard, and last for a min, b/c me and his dick are going to be great friends, like Mariah said inseparable. lol ....... the Ex is clearly off that list...he was good at what he did too... boy had my clawing walls like I was spider man and shit a few times, but what's done is done and I refuse to go backwards.....I know the one's I would prefer and want, it just can't and won't happen.... so I guess I'm forced to find other alternatives... I guess I should learn the art of flirting first... I don't think I know how to even flirt, clearly I've been told differently, but clearly alcohol play's a big part in this so called gift... I need to perfect this and use it more often.. I can call myself a tease since now I don't sleep around with the majority of them.... talk about a low blow, I really had a serious gut check and had to question myself esteem after being passed over for somebody who is like freaking 3 times my senior! soo over it...moving on... I figured he just did me a favor and helped me in the long run!
yes everyone has there past and clearly I'm no saint, that would be an understatement...but i'm passed that...I'm so over that stage. I know what I want. I know what I should be doing. it's just hard trying o find people or a person to work on that common goal with... it's funny because me and my other p.i.c. Omar just had this conversation on more then one occasion. We both are good guys, have salaried jobs, no kids, educated, a good personality, can hold a conversation with the best of them, social, enjoyable to be around, yet is it true what they say, nice guys always finish last. Yet you have gypsies, thieves and tramps, (yes for the Cher reference) and they seam to be doing quite well with their part time situations... do I need to be more street, butch the English language to no avail, be completely rude and disrespectful, just to be noticed... don't think the thought never ran across my mind, yet I am not that person, nor will I stride to lower myself or my expectations.
Like I always say i'm a hopeless romantic so I have to believe in the greater good, and I believe my other half is taking his sweet ass time getting here to perfect himself, and to allow me to work on myself so we can be in sync together while working on us together as a whole... To my future I can't wait for the day where I can be totally open and honest with you, and we can both be totally transparent...just me & you....

~everyday i'm stronger, I can't get better if it doesn't hurt, heartbreak is a teacher, now I can love a little bit deeper....

~Confused, exhausted, drained, loveless and still lost in translation'~ xoxo Ciao

Straight Talk?!?!

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is-...William Blake

~~if it was only that easy...I wish the veil of truth spoke louder then the multitude of fabrications, and deceit! it everything and everyone would say what they mean and mean what the F*CK they say, it would be a lot easier....

tired of it all, it's mentally drainaing and wearing down my spirits!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told...

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told... Ok so I was talking to someone recently and apparently according to them I always have time for other people and there issue's, but never can finalize and fix my own, let alone share "My Feelings" ok... so When did I Become Emotionally Damaged, I didn't; have a screwed up childhood, My Family loves Me, I wasn't abused, I don't have daddy issue's, ( well I do just not the pg 13 kind) lol and I never did smutty things growing up to get attention, lol ok, ok , ok don't laugh, let's move on, co signing Suzie! so Again! I ask myself "When did I become Emotionally Damaged and incapable of expressing my true Feelings?!"

So Hence this posting....this game is called Truth Be Told,unedited, unfiltered. no holding back truths, or Factoids about Me and all that is ME< a few of you may or may not know! If you like the game please Cont with your own Version, and remember be totally blunt and honest as possible! *Disclaimer* Don't have

My 20 top Truths.... plus 1 bonus lol *p.s. translation at bottom*

1) I have a huge Social Phobia especially when it comes to a large gathering of Breeder's*,the gayest of the gay's and or Children...Their way too Unpredictable, Attention craving and Emotionally unstable. I'm usually a nervous wreck amongst any type of crowd, but rarely will you see it! the doctors showed me how to cope!

2) Yes I love my GLBT* familia, however I really can't stand overly GAY people...I can't do Cunt* or too many lesbian ( n yes men can be lesbian too). there over the top and tend to bring way too much unnecessary drama and problems.. Ugh Man the *FCUK* UP missy

3) An Intelligent, well verbose, sexy, emotionally in touch, want to portray a heart, show's he care and has concern, can give you Masculinity but can serve face & attitude every now and again full bodied, secure dominant alpha male is the f*cking sexiest! And if they have what I call adequate "share holding's" and can use there hanging low investment wisely in the hip area babyyy! See, they are the type that usually tends to get me in trouble and caught up every time! ughhh ok I promise not to start flooding! *and note to self from the past make sure their not married, with kids or a kid on the way, and a job!* but it's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 day's

4) I'm currently sexually deprived, and crave sex, yet I want to see how far I can make it, Sex doesn't run my life, so i'm ok without it, and I refuse to go back down that dark path of random hook up's and countless hook up's. Def not for me, I now know my self worth, and know truly I deserve and want more for myself! I love myself, But...and yes there is a but...if sex or sexual things happen, who am I to stop it or say no lol! .

5) As much as I want to stay upset and linger on to the past, I miss what I use to have with my ex. I miss the comfort, I miss loving and being loved, I miss being held and holding him, I miss and use to look forward to his kisses and warm embraces, the many of night we just laid there talking and it didn't even have to be about sex, it was deeper then that. it was another connection we had, or many surprise "just because" dates and present or random outing's... But he screwed thing's up, you don't have the right to see how I am doing, you don't have the right to call me, you don't have the right to ask me how my day went babe, you last that, you lost us, you turned the one true person who loved you flaws and all away, not me but you! I don't hate him, I don't dislike him, I'm just broken, emotionally scared, and wish it didn't have to be. I will forgive him, but Not today! I'm all cried out, thank goodness for retail therapy and great friendship's, I could stop possibly seeing my shrink soon, why pay to talk when I have them,lol!

6) I like having Relations at the work place, or in public places where I can almost get caught, especially with my Superiors.. or co worker, or hey even my boyfriend (whenever I get one),,,,something about power or being sexual in public/ private = sexy to Me....

7) I had a revelation and think I'm learning how to un-love one of my best friends, however the downside is I'm nervous yet intrigued where or on who the emotions are shifting to!! Just like a spoiled brat, I always want the one's I can't have! but....messy...messy...and more messy......

8) I think I may have slight commitment issue's! Ok don't get me wrong i'm not a sleaze bag, or a cheater, I refuse to be a cheater, why even bother right, I think I might be a touch of an emotional cheater! I have trust issue's!

9)I really do deeply care something serious for one of my Friends...If only I knew what the hell they were thinking and what they wanted...UGH

10) I spend mass amounts of money on mostly sh*t I don't need but really do want...But I have learned how to...OMG Word Vomit...BUDGET and be sensible with my money...

11) Usually when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard, usually it takes a while but when I'm there, it's like OMG...ok real talk.. I might get even like a little OCD'ish at times lol! Don't say not 1 word lol! who hasn't driven by the current or ex house once or twice just to make sure lol!

12) Ok well since I'm putting all the cars on the table, back in my hay day, when I use to have my "Hoe'ish type of moments" yeah... I use to say it was because of the Alcohol, but yeah a few of those times the Alcohol was just my cover up, lol! Hey.. don't judge I know a few of you and your old stories. let's not get to start pointing fingers lol!

13) I over analyze everything...even something that appears so miniscule to others, I will take my time thinking about every other possibility! the good, the bad, and the not so fort.

14) I Absolutely HATE, and yes I know Hate is such a strong word but HATE: Orange People. And dark skinned ppl with unnatural blonde hair...OMG u look ridiculous and need a *GBF and or a mirror! p.s. and Men who wear thong sandals with socks.. Oh the Tragedy...and fanny packs, r u serious. and mini skirts with Ugh boots..damn r u hot or cold. IDK. something about that look screams future pole dancer... ugh why did I just vision miley Cyrus !

15) I have trust issue's and will be the first one to say I do! I'm too nice, and I had way too many not so nice ppl do way to many not so good things to me! So I have to stay guarded or come off a little bitchy or crass, but it's just my defense mechanism!

16) I'm usually the nicest guy you will ever get to know, unless you cross me the wrong way, use me, backstab me, or you give me a valid reason not to like you, then i'm your worst nightmare, and I go for broke!

I can give you a Verbal tongue lashing or a Written Notice in zero to 3.5 seconds like it's no one's business....Don't make me Read u, I get serious pleasure in make grown ppl cry, no joke!

17) I recently realized in the previous 2-3 relationships, it was so nice and perfect, I always thought it was too perfect! So I looked for thing's at times on purpose to be like "Hah there See I told you...or everyone's favorite line.." I knew it.."
18) I have an alter-ego which some of you unfortunately will never know or get to meet! Let's just say Alcohol usually play's a factor, and get's him in certain nothings bad, just my alter he's a little extra friendly and stuff! he's the free spirited, fun loving, peace on earth extra friendly social drinker, who likes to stir the pot, and cause a little trouble. it's good being bad, even if your apart of it or not, it's fun! OMG lol Great times! Patron and 151 was flowing heavy that night, ahh memories:)....let's create new one's

19) I think the old crazy, insane, extremist with food issue's me is coming back into play. my co-workers pointed that out today! yes I eat less, yes I restrict myself, yes I went back to weighing thing's, yes I read labels, yes I try to see how long I have to go without food food! but I have to, the amount of pressure I put on myself to lose more weight, the pressure from this u have to be thin society, and it could be worst, I can always go back to being a secret binge eater and then vomiting up right after, but I refuse. that was messy, and costly to fix, and damaging mentally and physically! I don't want to harm myself!

20) I'm so prim and proper and so pg-13 in public, yet only if half of the ppl knew i'm so rated xx. but these day's who isn't! so I like it sensual at first, then speed it up and then for them to beat it down while out fuck session intensifies! so what I like dirty talk, and what's wrong with a little nibbling and biting and choking! who doesn't mind love wounds or scratches on naked flesh, ok so I don't really like the bed, and ok with carpet burns, cold floors, the staircase, or outside half way in the car late at night in the park by the track on the same side by the tennis court or in the bathroom in sear's in Woodbridge mall on the 3rd floor by lines, b/c there all handicap accessible and big as hell yesss, so what I'm always prepared with my to bags in my car equipped with condoms of all sorts, lubes, dice, handcuffs, underwear, a toothbrush, oils, a rag and things of such nature....shhhh what i'm a club scout, remember always be prepared is the motto! lol
21) I like animals better then some people, don't get me wrong i'm not insensitive but with animals you have a co-dependant relationship and they don't tend to hurt you the way humans do. So let's see a choice between a room full of puppies and kitties or a horse, or saving a small village in Cambodia or Africa, sorry Maddox you and your clan are on your own.....what are you mad I said it or are you upset I said the option u wanted to pick but was too damn guilty to chose!

~The Breeder's Translation Dictionary~

1)Breeder-Self Explanatory Heterosexual

2)GLBT- gay, lesbian, bi sexual, & trans gendered!

3) Cunt- Overtly gay- beyond flaming! u know two snaps, eye roll, serious switching, girl this.....kind of person. usually Male...and I can name 3 right about now...but you might be one of them lol!
4)GBF- Gay Best Friend

~i hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing & sharing...~~

Live*Laugh*Learn*Love*Grow~~~till next time luvies ~~~ still lost in translation...yes enjoying the journey!