The voice within!

You cold, heartless, lustful, betrayal filled, heartless of a ignorant bitch, how dare you. You promised everything, yet you left him in a dark, dismal, evil filled realm without a sense of pride, a thought to himself, the knowledge to know-how, or a clue to escape. In a land so foreign , you made it your own sin city. Filled, with glitz, glamour, and fallacies in the form of your alleged perfect man. Perfect man, How dare you, kiss my ass yells the weak little boy.
Alcohol, drugs, sex, lies, and the stench of your false prosperity all seamed normal, and promising here in your enchanted, magical world. You deceived him, you preyed upon his innocence, you devoured the trust and used your charismatic looks and powerful world play to take advantage of a shattered child, too worthless of being the man he use to be. Your heart was suppose to be his shelter, your soothing words were suppose to be his blanket of comfort, your love was suppose to be abundant and everlasting, and enough for two. On the contrary, your love was his hurricane Katrina, devastating and destructing any & everything you touch. Now these days you took away the happy and blue skies, and everything seam to become a barren landfill. It left him floating away, abandoned, forgotten about, a nomad left to find his own way back home from your utopia. Delusional, & lead astray! Was this your plan all along? When did it all go wrong? Was it before or after the incident which striped you of your armor, and left you there tarnished, tainted and confused. Your words said nothing but pleasantries, laced with false sincerity, mapped out with a bright smile, yet your actions screamed more like a big FUCK You...

Satins spawn, man of mine, child of the highest above, tell the devil I said thanks for allowing the two to sip the blood from his ill laced, fiery flesh. It was addicting, it was tranquil, a magnitude of euphoria to escape. How can something so good, be so bad? the sweetest sin you were.


You Bitch of a spawn, you stole away a portion one can never get back. Correction, you didn't steal that, their weakness you found & exposed therefore their insecurities, naivety & trust allowed you full access. His heart and mind was your playground, as you enjoyed running amuck careless without any regard. You and your trickery was of a great match, everyone played your game and you made the rules as the number of players increased. You figured "you had them?!" You figured, it was "the end" truth be told there may have been moments, where he figured it was the end, the only way to escape was to cheat you of the life and vessel you tried to reek havoc on. Weak, fragile, broken, wondering aimlessly, without the direction of the highest above or tangible love, what is there left to do, Give up? Go home? Fight another day? But....where does the one who never knew "Home" to begin with or never really found his was there go? Who to turn to? Who to Love? How can the loveless express love, or show another person how to love ?

Far in the distance, awaiting to be saved by a magical being, a stunning prince rinding along to spare one from the torment the dark lord left him to endure. A prince? Your human savior? As laughter fills the air!
Whispers in the wind is heard, as the voice bellows out," LOOK CLOSER!" look closer you say, .....look closer...something seemingly so easy, yet so difficult to perform. Is that the answer? Little boy lost, dazed and confused, stumble to the mirror of truth and reflect it's light onto you. Extract the courage within, and use the knowledge to beat the force to set yourself free, the voice said. The voice was loud, but there was no one around? Was this voice real, or just another mirage, just more trickery and fuckery? The boy soon realized, he was that voice, the voice he had but never knew how to use all along.

Bitch of the past, evil dark force, You see it... you see the light.. Look at me when i'm talking to you the man said!... Do you see that bright, beautiful, radiant white light, the man screamed. Now up from his catacomb, freely to move about and think freely from the ill will educed comma he awakened from. That's the future of the one you tried to silence, the boy proclaimed. That's the light of the one you tried to dim, the one you tried to diminish and make less of. Their future is so great it refuses to coast on your less then perfect levels and coast on your level of perfect mediocrity. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore, as a cocky grin spread upon his face. Who Do you think you are?
"Who do you think you are running around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart, your going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul, so don't come back for me.. Who Do You think You are?"

Man you've become to stubborn to listen to your "No's", as he transform them into yes & pushes his way to completion. You misinformed bitch as he great his past, while welcoming the present, your dark outlook on life cannot contain his magnitude of positivity he shares with the world. his light is a beacon of hope, a ray of light for others to see & feel inspired. Life lessons are his great teachers!

I guess Lucifer forgot to inform you his past is of vital asset! Learning from his mistakes will enable him & empower himself to push on & continue on a glorious journey, both beautiful and imperfect. I guess you didn't realized the force within this one is strong evil one.

As this one, He is special, He is not born of human!

As He is to determined to be sidetrack by your foolishness ,trickery and promises of false hope.

As He is I.....?!?!

"Breaking the Gaydar" from the directors Our Tribe Films

With the recent influx of cyber bullying, intolerance, and misinformed truths being spread, it was only a matter of seconds before I lent a helping hand, in any way, shape or form I could. Fortunately, I was privileged to be apart of this documentary called "Breaking the Gaydar" being created by some very talented, inspiring up and coming directors and writers, who I have the esteemed pleasure of knowing. Together these 3 powerful women make up Our tribe Films, a name sure to be on the tip of peoples tongues shortly to come.

This is a snippet directly from the creators and cast of the upcoming documentary, "Breaking the Gaydar," (the debut project for Our Tribe Films) along with some special friends who help remind us that coming out is not easy and It does get better.

I hope you enjoy watching, and much as I did sharing. follow them on twitter as well @OurTribalFilms , these ladies will surely make an impact.

"Is this a dream?"

This one is dedicated to the ex and my future!


Pieces of you still lingering around, running amuck without making a peep, a whisper or even a sound. Tried to erase, tried to replace, someone staring back into the same reflection, same script, different cast.. T he wise man must wonder "Is this a Dream?"

The essence of you dance around my inner most private thoughts, leaving nothing untouched! As you tinker & meddle around there with your bare, raw, sizable hands leaving every inch of my brain feeling nostalgic and confused, like it's clarity was your playground and you just ran straight through it. is it the sincerest part of your untamed soul i want to touch, or is it the fiery feast of the beat you call a brain I want to tame? Maybe it's the wicked desire dancing around your eyes like a scantily clad fairy dancing with the devil's fire which makes me urn for more.?


.. Still even without you being here: i feel you, i sense you, i taste you... again I think to himself is this a dream?


Two shadows standing side by side, then intertwined,, in synch by the magnetic pulse which electrify our senses and draw us near... One never overcastting the other, it

always in perfect synchronization until nightfall beseeched her dark grey skies above our plain. leaving one to look around and see the shadows nevermore, until the sunshine brings back the every so happy ending for this punch drunk love fairytale once again... Will this nightmare ever end? Will this unfold to be my sweet dream or is this just a beautiful nightmare? can this be real? Maybe a dream within a dream?


Maybe it was the essence of your presences, or the ideology of what you portrayed to be which made the dream that more enchanting? Long and behold the key to our flourishing future of 'What could be" in a world filled with 'what if's 'was tainted by your absenteeism, cynicism, and selfish demeanor you portrayed which eventually aided the end!


Little lost boy hanging there with your held propped down, standing there disoriented ,left muted, listening for a response as silence fills the air and bellows through the empty room filled with nothing but puddles from the sobbing widowed!


As the silence is becoming deafening, he realized more then just the illusion died that night! To with the demise of someone he thought he was into perished, so did the fantasy clad nightmare, the presence of him, and his shadow as well. As the lost boy watches how the once in sync souls become a melody of a duet...then mutates back into a Solo left to face the music. He yell's.. but nothing comes out.. he weeps, yet feels no pain, he hates but cant emote or transcribe to words.. one has to think is this still a dream...


Tough roads endured, put back together with the sense of now and the stride to be happy, sunnier days welcomed and swayed away the dark and lonely nights. Taught and reassured by a vision of perfection with grace and beauty ! Who upholds honor, truths, and integrity. dedicated to happiness, while looking to grow and evolve into something more. Cut from a rare bread, standing out from the mediocre and timid.. does this mere mortal of a god exists? Once little boy lost, who now transitioned into a man taught by lessons learned, mistakes made, and new growth once again finds that all too familiar place of blurring the two realms. Realty or a Dream. My realty is a dream uncluttered by self doubt an motivated by success without being too afraid of failure, while perception is a blind 50/50.... so assessing the situation again one has to ask is this all just another dream?!......

Reassuring one day you will be tangible~~~~

 ~Still lost in translation yet with more clarity & enjoying the adventure~~ XoXo

Love Jones @Greenhouse NYC 08.18.10 review

Classy and decadent, Greenhouse NYC in SoHo is unrivaled in the New York scene. Uniquely designed and eco friendly throughout, the venue is an ultra sexy chic lounge, with decadent decor, and a top shelf bar. Given its relatively small in space ,the atmosphere definitely promotes some skin-to-skin action,the place boast a booming sound system coupled with extraordinary service, places Greenhouse NYC amongst good company pertaining to thee place to be in NYC on any given night.

This past Wednesday true music lovers were fed a soulful, upbeat, amazing few selections of ear pleasing music, art, and fashion coupled as "Love Jones." Just one of the spawns created by Joey Harris, held every third Wednesday of the month at Greenhouse NYC.

The show seams to grow stronger each and every time, and this one did not disappoint, even some of the harshest critics would have been pleased, including myself. Live music, entertainment, fashion and art is something I hold in the highest regard, and this showcase satisfied my never ending thirst of delectable , passionate performances from the always amazing, mistress of words, the sultry Lydia Caesar, to the suave vocal arrangement from the James A Natural, Cori, and J Harris, to the delicious diva's of the hour such as Jayms Madison, Devin, & Tiffany Stevenson. This venue was filled with some of the hottest talent New York has to offer.

The show started in high octane style with the band giving us hella Funk, then Joey aka J- Harris taking center stage and welcoming us to the venue as only knows how. First up was the spunky M.C. herself Nemiss paired with Adam Shank performing together a favorite "That thing" by Lauryn Hill. the two clearly had two very distinct styles which showed throughout there meshed performances, but a good pairing nonetheless. From her cute pleated a line skirt and low V neck white blouse with pearls and heels to match complimented his Justin Timberlake-esq look. To me the highlight of this segment came from Nemiss herself as she went into a reggae infused rendition of the song towards the ends, which suited her style. Up next we were introduced to Shara, who to us back to an "Empire state of mind" by Jay-z & Alicia keys. A good crowd pleasing song choice for her, probably not the best, but she made it her own and delivered a good rendition. She helped remind the crowd why we love NY soo much, with the assistacet of Nemiss. And just in case you were wondering , yes the theme of the night was "Duets of Love!"

Always two of my favorite singers to watch, and here Cori & Devin were up next. There two voices are just perfect for each other. They both can "throw-down" on the microphone, but when these two are together, yes it's definitely a problem Cori & Devin smoked the stage with there cover of "Until the end of time" by Justin and Beyonce. They continue to mature and grow, all while allowing the crowd to join them on the bliss filled musical quest they embark upon.

Up next is J-Harris as he entertains the crowd with his cover of "Lately" by the musical genius himself Mister Stevie Wonder with the help of Danni. In my years of searching for enjoyable, true, good live music there are about 5 different artist you can always turn to for a good turnout and to win the crowd over. and yeah you guessed it, doing a Stevie wonder song definitely is upon that list, especially with a cover of "Lately."

As this segment wraps up, and we start the second segment which kicks off with a paring of Bryan and Jaime Noelle singing "Georgy porgy" as made famous by Eric Benet and Faith. These two did their homework and gave us vocals, stage presence, and nice chemistry.

This next act by far was one of the two highlights of the show for me. The gifted Tiffany Stevenson and soulful James A-Natural murdered and set the stage blazing afire with there version of "Nothing even Matters" by Lauren Hill. From their chemistry, to the vocal pairing, to the rift, runs, and pitch this showed off what a duet should entail and display. Not afraid to showoff there range and control, these two are going to be a name to remember within the industry. Paired together or singing acapella at Harlem lanes these two can sang, not sing but sang, and there not afraid to throw down on the microphone and let you hear it.

In the company of the gifted and sexy Ms. Jazmine Sullivan, another up and coming artist named Ant Taylor gave the crowd a nice helping of his energy, word play and catchy tune called "I love you too." He reminds me of a Kanye protégé, with his whole skit, and I mean that in a good way. Not sure the crowd knew who he was, but after that performance I bet he has a lot of people asking "who is Ant Taylor?"

718 hit the stage, and they definitely had a few fans in the audience, who already knew who they were. It took me a while to get into these guys, however the end result was pleasing.

The seductive, and melodic deliciousness know as Jayms Madison hit the stage next, and boy did she. She treated the crowd to a few of her singles "Room Service" and my favorite "Detox.". She serves up a tasty array of vocals, stage presences, an her sultry subtle movements only adds to her allure. Not only was she doing double duty of hosting and performing but she served a fierce wardrobe displaying about 5 different attire's throughout the night, as only as a true diva would.

The man of the hour himself J-Harris is up next performing a few of his own selections, after being introduced by his father. Joey, started of with a crowd please version of "Butterflies" by Michael Jackson. And I have to admit, I'm a bit impartial to his song. Every since I heard the amazing songstress, Ms. Marsha Amborsius sing this song live, it will forever be bestowed in my heart and I look forward to hearing others follow suite with there version of this song. After "butterflies" and Drake's "find your love" we get to hear some of his original pieces from J-Harris himself. He took the crowd on an enchanted ride with "Illusion Sin", "Make it up" and "I'm here'. Wrapping his set up by the ever so catchy tune "I got a feeling " by BEP and his smash of a hit "It's alright" a fast paced, catchy tune, which will have you dancing out your seats saying It's Alright. This guy showcased why he is in this industry and worked with some of the biggest stars in the entertainment industry, pleasing the crowd in every way and having you await his next move.

The second biggest highlight of the night came from the astonishing Queens raised Lydia Caesar. Lydia was able to perform with such stage presence that seemingly invited the audience into the world of her own. Not your typical R&B bombshell, Lydia's soulful vocal ability and sultry voice are a force to be reckoned with especially when placed over live musical tracks. And yes if my memory serves me correctly, out of roughly 10,000 people, Lydia was one of the final 15 singers who auditioned for the first season of P. Diddy's Making the Band 2 on MTV. She set the crowd in a frenzy with her cover of Tina Turner's "simply the best" and had us in awe with her smash hit "Masterpiece" , which can be downloaded at musicexclusive.com for free. Ms. Caesar's vibrant, neck turning sense of style effortlessly gels vintage with Vogue's latest. The showed why she will continue to have longevity in this industry and allowing others to know you don't have to conform to day's "music stereotypes"

As we wrap up the love Jones experience we are carried out by the Love Jones theme song, and a great piece of poetry by Orlonda herself called "lie to me!'

Love Jones at Greenhouse NYC, is a showcase which offers something for everyone under one roof. from the seductive decor, to the arrangement, personable size, amazingly talented singers, dancers, poets, painters, fusionists, and all alike. This is clearly a staple in Soho, and looks likes it grows bigger and better each and every time. Mark your calendars boys and girls Love Jones happens every third Wednesday of each month and will be the place to be in SoHo!

Greenhouse NYC located at 150 Varick St, NY, NY. It appears SoHo has added onto another great venue not to miss!I'll see you at the next one, and stop by to say hi!!

~still lost in translation yet jamming to really good music along the way~ Until next time XoXo

An NYC kinda boy, in Ontario, Toronto Canada

As I sit here in Starbuck in downtown Toronto, getting my inner Carrie Bradshaw on, I think what an amazing opportunity this is for me to explore and just to get to go out and venture. this is the first time i have ever been somewhere alone before, a complete stranger to the land, culture, and environment , yet im hungry to find out. did you know outside of India, Canada has the largest Indian population in the world? I already have directions to the underground mall, 2 huge farmers markets, dinner reservations at the Skytop, which is there only rotating restaurant by Niagara Falls, and 2 bars in mind. I think i will stumble into some fun. it would have been even crazier with my dream team, but I'm a big boy, I can do it all alone, and still have fun. and besides the kind of person I am, I'm sure I will run into something or another chatty, social someone lol! This will be on adventure I shall not turn down.


These few hours I've been here have already been filled with beauty and calmness. totally different then my usual, gym class, warm up's, then home to shower and go straight to work. I realized somewhere along the way i forgot to appreciate my mornings and enjoy it, as mother nature intended for me to gaze upon her beauty. Upon wakening up this morning, it was utterly amazing. I awakened on the bay just as the sun started to peak, while the wildlife in the bay was basking in mother nature's glory. Talk about a picture perfect, storybook way to start a vacation. You know, a guy can get use to this.I love how there so healthy over here, there is a fresh market or store like on every corners!  Something's telling me i'll be inspired and will be writing more guys... Time to start my morning...but first a taxi to my hotel suite...One thing Canada is lacking over here which can drive a New Yorker crazy, lol!

XoXo until next time!

Lets go down the Yellow Brick Journey~ chil''e u ready

Thoughts, dreams, hellish nightmares turned into beautifully crafted realities, clouded by doubt, judgment, and the unknown, all tangled within the truth, validity, and stone cold reality. Yup... this pretty much sums up the 48 plus days of my life! A whirlwind of events, happenings, disasters, blah blah and fucking blah!

I have this melody in my head i just cant scratch out.. i think i will have to write a separate blog for that.. back to my song and dance. these last 2 months have been quite trying, and pushed me mentally. i think it's an acumination of events which lead me to this point . I've seen a sign of maturity and demur how i handle things now versus me about a year and a half ago. i use to be that bitter, angry vengeful person. I use to take it there, I swear like i said " people are lucky i know Je*us and I'm not the old me who would have taken this to the streets. but, that's not me, no more and not now! I'm to special and mature for that. there's always a better ways to handle situations, events, and people. Just never lose yourself in the process! try not to come out of character and undermine your integrity even if it gets a bit messy.

I've notice my opinions have altered quite a bit, about things i like, and what i don't like, thing's which bother me, and things i chose to let go, people who i want around me versus people who i need around me. it's all apart of the ever so enriching learning experience, i guess! fucking growing up, why can;t we all be kids again, watch TV gleefully, eating our favorite cereal living life carefree! fruity pebbles and the smurfs or thunder cats sound good right about now lol! well....

I think babe, was right i need to have a screening process for people who i let in my inner social circle, and who i let get close to me especially! Nana always use to say (English version; Keep your enemies close b/c u know they don't like you, but keep your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you! She ain;t never lied, people can be so venomous if you allow them to be.

I've been pretty occupied these last two months with planning evenings, attending gatherings, and functions, baby showers, working, making several trips to hospitals, managing relationships, and in the midst apartment hunting and just trying to stabilize myself and give myself a little room to breath. It gets quite hectic and i forget some of the smaller thing's but im trying my best, and i think im spreading myself too thin, im tired and burnt out, yet refuse to just "slow down" not just yet. i forget to do the things which makes me happy! what's up with that? I need to do more for me and less for others, it's not selfish, everyone else just looks out for them, why shouldn't i put ME first?!

I've just started living for myself not too long ago, i just need to walk a fine line and balance out everything

! i should be running my calendar and not letting it run me! i think i have an issue with saying No to people, which is a huge downfall. i always want to see the good in people, no matter what stares back at me in the face? am i a bad person for wanting more and expecting more, while praying for humanity and humility? Or is it the fault of others for not expecting and wanting more from themselves!? I need to stop trying to be mister fix it, every time i see someone or something damaged i challenge myself to fix it! Ugh

Let's call this section the run down:

My grandmother had to be rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery the same day she was about to come up here to take care of my mom whom also had surgery, did i mention all this happened the same day my best friend went into premature labor with my two healthy god children Caleb and Cayleigh. It all was quite a world wind and happened so fast, im still trying to grasp what happened. and it was all back, to back, to back. Trying handling all that and still not drinking ugh, some nerve lol! Im totally thankful everyone is doing well. It's been quite some praying times, more so now then ever! My mommy had to get 2 procedures and was just discharged today, she is home, somewhat mobile and is talkign slightly. I just hope she is clear out of the woods and a speedy recovery. My grandmother is healthy, strong and ding well. She had to get 2 arteries cleared, thank goodness they caught it early! Moni is doing well, she is home, and the babies are strong, healthy, and quite adorable. Every chance i get i shop for them, they bring me blue skies and happy thoughts. babes are just little angels, so precious and magical!

Fuzzy: I noticed every since i became close friends with Sir..scratch that (when we were friends) and insert Gabe, it was a mixed bag, and i never knew what to expect. I noticed our relationship hasn't been the same nor as strong as it use to be. granted we were both busy, me and him use to be inseparable! i've been working on that, and i make sure i reach out to him! i just hopes he puts forth a valiant effort, i so cant go through another 1 sided friendship! baby i refuse dot come! He had a lot of shit happen to him, granted some of it he could have avoided and or not brought upon himself, but he is quite resilient and still manages to stay positive! I don't judge, whatever he does, he does, he knows i don;t like quite a few of his choices, b/c i only want what;s best for hima ndnot to sell himself short, but who am i to condemn, or look down upon, i have my own shit to correct! we talk and express various things, i like we can have that open type of talk about anything and everything, sometimes i admit i do wish he give less detail lol, but it is what it is.. Were in it to win it, so we put on best foot forward and walk forward.

Xavier~ Me and him use to go through these patches where 1 day were good the next day were bad. i don't know where it came form ! i mean i do know where it came from, ok granted the boy did sleep with CJ on numerous occasions even after i told him i was in total awe of Cj. I took that personal, my thought process was ur tricking out a lot, and can trick out, why with Cj after i told u what i told you! it was something I couldn't let go, and it was a personal dagger , but it takes two to tango and i matured. I let that go, I let it go a while ago. things happen for a reason and Cj was that weak, it's the universe way of showing me he's not strong enough to be that guy i need him to be. Were best friends, it worked out for the best! Back 2 my song and dance, lately me and cousin we have been quite inseparable! going everywhere, attending various things, bugging out just me and him, talking about everything and anything, advice shared, it;s been the relationship with him i always wanted! just quite sadden it's about to end, as he prepares himself to move to Wisconsin. but i figure we made it thus far, the distance shouldn't make us stop, if anything it will allow us to appreciate our time together even more.. I love that boy~

Omar~~ This boy i couldn't stand when i first met him, i shot him rocks, gave him the stone cold killer coco evil bitch type hi at first. but he is literally my good good now. were attached, you mess with one, you get the other! he's been there fore me whenever and loves me for me, as i take him and cherish him for being himself! i think we balance each other out! im usually the one holding him back as he tries to cut the next bitch lol! and baby he has a list a mile long,! we can just talk for hours or just bug out, he' sthat male friend I've always yearned for when i was younger. He helps me, and i try to help him! it's a great friendship, but he's more like family. I don't have to question our friendship, its tangible and we accept each other flaws and all! he too was put in my life for a reason i get at times he;s that older brother there to give you words and guidance, even if you may not like what he has to say all the time, he's going to tall it like it is!

Willie My little big booty super hero, lol he's a great guy and. means well, and there is soo much im still learning about him! we have been chatting it up a storm for the past several weeks, and i learn something new everyday! He 's a friend, like i told him last night, were past the point where were just mere acquaintances, and were friends. now time to talk, share, laugh, play and fight and take it to the next friendship stage. he's a good man with a huge heart, loves to listen and be supportive. I told him he is going to make someone very happy when he settle's down.

Lateef~ my babe is a trip. he is so just full of positive ray, smile, kind yet straight to the point words, all wrapped up in a killer fashionable style! there's been many times just me and had tipped the bottle and just talked for hours on end. he can adapt to various situations and people and he is quite comfortable with himself. most people can't say the same! i love that. he will pump and sever, and give you a show, until it game time and baby watch out, don't discredit boo! some say "he's too gay or such a girl" baby bye, he's just him! i just think they envy him b/c he is so happy in his skin, where most are still struggling and figuring things out! me an dhim have become quite close, i feel a connection with him! 
Moni~ that girl is the left side of my brain. she knows i have her back for anything and everything, and she has mine. We have been through too much shot together for it to end any time soon. She know she's stuck with me, as i am with her. And we don't mind, lol it will be quite the life long journey for us both! We value what we have a share, and with steph T3 will always remain embedded within my heart and mind. i love those girls, and they helped at a time when I needed them the most. even if they don't know it, they allowed m to grow, mature, make mistakes and flourish! i'm going to miss my Steph, but PA is right around the corner, or better yet Amtrak and Septa baby lol~


Sir~ It's kind of sad, but recently like many of you know i've lost someone who i figured was a really close friend, more like family. it's sad but we we have been out of sync for the last 32 days, every since the night at VU and that whole incident we kind of fell of the wagon and never could get back on the same pace. most of you rejoiced, SMH not kewl guys lol And after that is just got worst, from the talks we had, or him just go off on these tangents and i would just listen! i felt like his punching bags at time, but you knwo me, always want everyone to be happy! i think one of the last few talks and BBM convo's we had really placed the seed of doubt in my head. Many of people said he was using me, im a fool, he's not genuine, and XYZ. yet I chose not to believe it. we had many of good times, and granted he said and did things which got to me, and im sure i pissed him off a few times lol . but i think we learned how to deal with each other. I had flaws and he had many of them as well, and they clearly did clash at times. It just vexed my spirit how in the last weeks of our friendship he thought we had no issue, clearly it was like the pink elephant in the room! Once i had to start questioning the validity of what he said, or his actions and thought process it takes a lot to undo the damage. i tried to be the best friend possible to him, and it's a shame he could see that. i was always there for him, even when he wasn't there for me. i think what made me needed to take a break was i was starting to fee like it was a one sided deal, where i was always giving and they were just taking. how can you say you love someone and will never hurt them, yet your actions, words and demeanor speaks the opposite. It was a learning experience i will never forget, it;s just sad i never got to say good bye. What started out as a personal time out from most people turned permanent, i think he took it quite personal! i was surprised yet given his track record and how he see friendship i wasn't surprised, what made me so special to be spared like the rest of his casualties? Over the last few weeks i was preparing myself for the worst, i just didn't know it was going to be so abrupt, but enough was enough i had to just let go i see. a few months ago i didn't think that was possible, but after the first time, i was already hurt so this time i think i was better prepared. We were good friends, or so i thought but were in two different place i guess, and had different outtakes on friendship. Do i expect too much from people, or are they just not up to par? the worst was telling my mother, how quickly it was but she was quite fond of him, called him a son, she wasn't too happy just the other day when i told her we no longer speak. She asked for him after the surgery, and i had to be the one to tell her he wasn't coming, ugh! well i was a great ride, but the show must go on. many of people was happy he is no longer apart of my circle, 1 even said "it's like the bitter dark black cloud had been lifted." he wasn't that bad just misunderstood, yet he brought a lot upon himself as well. I took him for what he was worth, i appreciated our friendship, it was genuine. hopefully he never has to question that, if he did he never got me then! At the same time, i know when it's time to say goodbye and enough is enough! I don't like for my feelings, emotions or thoughts to be dismissed and made not valid. He needs to re evaluate quite a few things and start taking responsibility for his actions and words, everyone can't be wrong while he is thee only one right, something is dead wrong with that picture. he can't just shut down on everyone and everything, he says he's fine being alone, yet his actions clearly speaks differently. even the loneliest of lonely will need someone, i hope he finds that person he can finally talk to and open up to, with being on the defense 24/ 7

Which brings me to another part of this twisted equation J~ whom i even introduced to Sir and the rest of my circle, damn i stay creating people and giving them chance! I was seriously taken back by him. When we met we click instantly and have been like P & j stomping across the city in sync. So where did the hostility, and ridiculous child like ways come from. him and mister was def the older one's of the group pushing 30, but they acted in a totally disgusting manner which i would have never pinged either one of them for. i'm usually a good judge of character, but i don't know what happened with this one!I told him things i haven't even told family yet! Mel warned me about his character and people like that, yet little ray of sunshine me always wants to see the good in people. I must admit i only got 1 red flag from him so even after we promised each other whatever happened between me and mister would not effect me and his relationship it did. the ending was quite funky, but you can't control the ending, you can only control how you handle it! It was a fun ride, and i did adore him, past tense bc him and mister disposition just turned me completely off. I don't like ugly, especially from within. .mel tried to tell me, and was trying to tell me without telling me, people for goodness sake i live in a bubble sometimes, just shake me and tell me lol@ don;t beat around the bush, just be upfront with me especially if we already had these talks on several occasions! it's sad to say, but im just happy he hurt me early in the game rather then after an invested period of time. its less painful. he was a good chapter, now lets turn the page....

i opened up to him soo much and soo quick,  and that was a mistake i will never make again.

Speaking of Mel aka Melissa, she has been my knight in shining armor. She is quite the positive free spirit i need around me. i have been all about energy, and lights lately from the practice and books i have been reading and she really has brought back my sunny sky's! we just sit and talk, advise each other, bug out and just relax! we don't have to try, we just are. and it funny because we have only know each other for almost 2 months, and it feels longer then that. i cherish her words of wisdom, she;s been through a lot and shares with me, as well i try to be there for her as well. And she has a killer voce guys .i mean this girl can rock and blow on the mic. the musical gods are quite pleased! She brings me to the yellow when im gray, i appreciate that. her spirit helps me channel my energy and not allow the foolishness and bullshit to get to me. It helps stabilize and balance myself out!

Wow i guess i had a lot to say lol! But no worries, life is life, its the way we choose to handle situations which separate us as humans! I never play the victim, that not in my DNA, you cant feels sorry for people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time and do nothing about it, so not me!

I think the best way to sum this is up is from one of my favorite singers Smokie Norful, he says " I've been up, and I've been down, had my life turned completely around, but in spite of everything i been through i still gotta say THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for your many blessing in spite of my mess!"

Food for thought never allow yourself to compromise , because the next compromise is just around the corner! People need not to take my kindness as a weakness. on the contrary it people like me who you need to watch our for when provoked we don't give a warning! lol

To my past, i say thank you for helping me become who i am today, building character, obtaining values and knowledge and common sense. to my present say be patients he's still working on me, and im still putting in the effort! It shall be a great ride! to my future i anticipate you and welcome you and all you bring with. I'm in a good place! i'm where i need to be with who i need to be there with. No apologies, no hesitation, no excuses for being ME!

Most valuable lesson I've grown to learn! things happen, you just have to DEAL WITH IT, you cann;t force soemthign that's not there! Ahh look at me sounding liek a true adult lol!

Much love and many blessings all around! Were all stars, and we all deserve to Shine! And i leave my little angels and demons with this, Speak with clarity, listen actively, understand fully, think whole heartedly, and walk with a purpose! Never regret your actions if you stil hold true to your character!

Tina and Diana taught me a lot, insert me on center stage,que my music, still the spot light, grabs mic, pose for the camera, fans & haters and say thank you and good night, i luv u all, even if you don't! Thanks for reading! 

Sincerely your's still lost in translation yet with a lot more clarity~ XOXO

Does Thy self understand? I'm like Glass...

Does Thy self understand?
A question at first sounding so simply,
yet convoluted &  lost within a sea of
 maybes, not sure, false hope,possibly or whatever.


Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Allowing my free flowing stream
of consciousness spillith over
Thou shalt understand
my most obscure need.


A face without a face,
strong, yet not strong.
Powerful, yet quite timid,
presently visible yet oblivious to you,
staying well hidden under the shiny,
reinforced armor
A vision breathes within
as I listen to that song.

Quivering hands write
my shadow in this shy night.
A ragged moon coaxes me
into murmuring your light.
Dark dismal clouds fills my horizon
on the most sunniest day
allowing one to see just a
glimmer of light
As the beacon of hope
stays light, dancing through the dense, dark
tumbling clouds of despair

Te quiero, Te quiero, my blood sighs.
I meet my echo in a reflection.
Reveal me your infinitude,
render me your protection.
Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Thou shalt understand
desire sleeping in a seed.

Still lost in tranlsation desperately trying to finding my way back home~ sincerly your's XoXo

a mid summer's night dream....

..... TONIGHT I dreamt of U. In my dream we "CONNECTED." Over the phone. U were over there, and I was over here. The things I said to u.... Still play back in my mind.

If I take U from BEHIND
Push MYSELF into ur mind
When u least expect IT
Will u try and REJECT it
If I'm in CHARGE and I treat u like a CHILD
Will u let urself go WILD
Let my MOUTH go where it WANTS TOO........


Once u put ur hand into the FLAME
U can NEVER be the same
There's a certain SATISFACTION
In a little bit of PAIN
I can tell that ur the SAME
If ur AFRAID, well rise again
I only hurt the ones I LOVE

I don't think U know what PAIN is
I don't think U've gone THAT way
I could bring u so much PLEASURE
I'll CUM to u when u say
I know u want ME
I'm not gonna HURT u

I'm NOT gonna hurt u
just CLOSE ur eyes......


...... Then I woke up.

this is ultra sexy, i am not cliaming this as my own

babies, soccer games, play dates ..hello future!!

Today I felt something come alive within, today I felt like a jolt of energy was transferred , positive electrical circuits revitalizing my body and stimulating my mind.Today I felt good, I acted in a selfless manner, I placed other's need before my own without any hesitation. Something I do on a regular, but this time it felt different. I get to love these other humans infinitely and bountifully, without ever having to wonder if they will ever stop loving me back or want to shy away from my love. today I shopped for someone else rather than myself. We found out the sex of the twins today! my bff is having twins, this we knew but this whole time I said I felt she is having one boy and one girl. and today the doctor confirmed it... I think I haven't been this truly happy for a while. I finally get to invest into these little precious, bundles of joy and give them all of me, without wanting anything but there utter happiness!

I mean I know I always say I want children one day, little did I know I would get to practice first hand so soon. kids fit into my 5 year plan, you know first after I get the boyfriend / who shall turn into mu husband, we get the living quarters, something spacious, with a fence and a back yard with room for them to grow and play, not in new jersey. this I already made up, I'm moving out of jersey to buy a bigger place with the amount of money you can spend here! maybe somewhere Midwest or closer to the south somewhere for warm weather, I don't know! I need at least a split level, I hate ranch style homes, we will need an upstairs and downstairs! I will need, I mean we will need space, preferably land! I want at least 2 kids, with a dog, I prefer dogs over cat's. I want to have recital's to attend, and play dates to take them to soccer practice! they have to at least try to play at least 1 instrument, and take another language, going to have to ensure a strong foundation, and education and being well rounded and versed plays apart of adapting to any situation. I want to share recipes, and bake them cookies, and have to rush to make a cake for there class because they told me last minute. I want to take of sick day to stay home with them because there sick, of be there for their first snow storm, there first step, there first word, or there first fall to pick them up. I want those things. But no worries, all will be in the grand scheme of things, can't wait around for it, I need to make it happen and in due to. is there ever a good time to have kid's! no, but I think the perfect age for me to have kids will be between 32-35, that way it will be within my 5 year plan, and stable... And if gives me time to grow up and keep on maturing... you can't be a child raising a child, mentally not really referring to age, especially these days .

I can't wait for the day I get to have the family everyone wants', we do have to be perfect, but as long as we have each other and a infinite amount of love that all we will need! It gives me something to look forward to! Call me a dreamer if you want, but I believe in dreaming big, and always dreaming of the unthinkable and the impossible, because nothings impossible and remember every great thing started from a Dream!

still lost in translation yet that much closer to clarity! xoxo Ciao

You're not suppose to be....

This is another one I had to free from my mind onto paper, as I let if run freely and I've decided to share!

This is my art, this is my therapy, this is my life & these are my truths!!

You're suppose to be a mere figment of my imagination, yet a true vision of my future..

You're suppose to be untouchable and encased in a fortress sheltered from disappointment anguish and heartbreak, showcasing off happiness and eternal bliss for all to see...

You're suppose to be attached with XYZ and not within my realm which makes it harder not to touch the dream I sought after, wishing upon many of moons & many of stars..


You're suppose to be distant and afar, yet I can still smell your scent like your still next to me even when you're not around. how can something so far yet be so close.


You're suppose to be not appealing, cold, murky, an easy read which should make it easy for me to push you away
yet I find u charming, captivating, warm, & perplexed leaving me wanting 2 unravel more


You're suppose to be nonexistent in my wants and absent from my dreams
yet I rush to go to sleep to see you as I close my eyes and get lost in a fantasy..


You're suppose to be here providing strength and clarity and love ,yet I feel helpless and lost as I struggle to diminish theses feelings which have risen from within the depths which should not be present...


You are not suppose make me have a flutter of many feelings and make me truly love you or make me think what if....

I hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I do writing! it's one of my many passion, and it's not always easy sharing your creative baby to the world. I love feedback so hit it up!

~~In a fantasy not sure if I ever want to wake up, still lost in translation! XOXO ~~

Remeber always dare to dream, and dream the impossible b.c it's possible!

Lost One Lost....

This came to me recently and i thought i would share instead of keeping it private..it's called.. Little one lost..

I'm Lost in a world, that scares me to death,

Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,

Lost as a kid, lost as an adult

I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way

Lost in life every day, Lost in worry

Who am I?

I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost and loveless,
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there?
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place

Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve
 

**Lost in translation* until next time xoxo Ciao

F*CK you, hear me roar!

Like B said " i lay alone at night sorrow fills my eyes yet im not strong enough to cry, despite my disguise, im left with no shoulder but everyone wants to lean on me, i guess im there soulder, who's going to save the hero, when I'm left here all alone, and crying out for help, after I save the world, I've given too much of myself know it's driving me crazy , I'm crying out for help, sometimes I wish someone would just come and save me, save me from myself!

I kind of scratched this one out of my head a few days ago.... im a writer, a creative thinker, someone who likes to push the vague obscure lines with serious rated R undertones in my writing, yet im quite fragile and emotional when it comes to my shit.... I think I have to many channels flowing through MY mind, yet my hands are not quite fast enough to translate the creative expression which come free flowing. conformities, (bullshit) censorship, boundaries, fuck you, you two bit cheating hussy.....these are my jumbled up, crazy, twisted, thoughts....lol

So, as I was in another "session" the other day, just enjoying the moment and letting my inner earth child be at one, I realized, damn....life in general is really fucked up right about now... im better off then most, but far off the radar from some..... my financial status, is well, but one can never have too much, am I suppose to be happy being middle class, yes but no, money makes the world go around and it's sad to say but nothing in life is free, even love, it's costly, painful and hurts like 10 bitches beating up the special kid in class, however at the same time like Vivian said it's the best gift in the world...ugh insert sigh, that's a whole other can of worms, but more about my non existent love life in a little while. my job, love it., yet im one never to get too complacent if something better happens by me making further moves, of course im jumping ships, im always looking to expand my horizon... my emotional well being, I kid you know these days im so bipolar it's not even funny. my random ass of a rollercoaster mood swings are getting a little worrisome to me, at first I just figured it was because of the stress and outside influences, i.e. people and there bullshit I have to deal with, but usually im really great at just adjusting and keep pumping, walking to my own beat, yet I'm think an acumination of things are finally starting to build up and bubble over! As I sip on this good drink!

I think im tired of pleasing others or trying to please others and getting fucked over ( and not in a good way) to many times by people whom I love or claim they love me! And u why im so private and have a hard time opening up! Simple people keep your enemies close because u know they don't like you, yet keep your friends even closer b/c they know how to hurt you the most!" I figure the less I open up, the less ammo you have to turn and use against me!

I think some mistake my niceness as a signed of weakness! I think many people today lost sight on humanity and humility, and compassion for there fellow man. Is it true nice guys finish last? Most say Yes, but I say hell fucking no.... because in the end im going to be left still standing, a survivor, stronger then before and with my equal (s)... I've learned the harder you work for something and the harder to strive to make things happen, the sweeter the reward and it truly will be more fulfilling. I think I need to start living for me, and putting ME first, I want to have that "fuck you" attitude which apparently everyone else has, but that s not kewl, and that's just not me... I need to stop just going with the flow of things, I think it's time I start creating a few rip tides and cause a few waves, you know shake things up just a bit... not in a deliberately malicious way, just to let people know, I have something to say, instead of just thinking I'm a passerby! ...like a wise bumper sticker says " Stop fucking complaining and start a revolution!" I love Me some Me, know if only we can change that Me to an us or we lol! but that's another post to follow...

Need to fix me another drink brb...still lost in translation yet not quite toked enough to lose my way!

Truthful thoughts escaping from an open window!

So it is safe to say I think I pretty much figured out a few issue, which I tried to alleviate before they became to something of this magnitude what so ever! This past week, I know I have been feeling a certain way, but I figured it would pass and I would "Get over it..." clearly not, and it's sort of becoming visible. I think my cracks are starting to show through my porcelain, ever so charming mask?! why am I feeling this way? why do I let it get to me the way I do? Why did I let you in, and give you a glimpse of my true essence, and not just the "Public me.." it's frustrating s hell....


I was going through something yesterday and had to talk to someone with a few of my issue's, because for everyone sake I couldn't tell everything to just anyone, this brain has too much knowledge which could be harmful it in the wrong hands lol, and just so happen fuzzy was feeling some type of way as well. So we met up at his happy place, this place where our troubles sort of dissipate and we can talk, laugh, show emotions and just let it all out without anything or anyone around, the same place where memories are made and it feels children's heart with glee and laughter...yup we went to the park, more importantly to the swing set, one of his and my favorite places!
We had quite the interesting talk, no limits, everything was open a blunt as usual... we both said and admitted to a few things which made us both think, and maybe gasp and question...however within the midst of our conversation as we walked pass the soccer field towards the cars, we touched on a subject which I didn't really want to open up about, especially now, but some how babe knew where I was going before the words left the tip of my tongue. not sure how but apparently it was self evident, he doesn't know but it was kind of bothersome to me, he was thinking that. I'm upset he kind of touched upon it before I could get a handle on it myself...I didn't think something like that was visible, and I tried my best to protect it and cover it... I guess I didn't do much of a good job. I did something I usually don't do, especially to someone who I consider a close friend, I lied, I diverted the conversation and completely didn't even respond... I tried to dismiss it, like it was completely erroneous. however he was right., and he knew what he was talking about, yet I didn't want to acknowledge this idea, this thought, this presence, this feeling... this emotion..... how it came about I don't know, why ? I wish I knew, but I didn't want to aide it at all.. it just happened, and I don't know how to properly let it go... it's like I almost enjoy inflicting this mental and emotional self abuse on my already weary, withered and discombobulated mind .... why put myself through the torture, when the end result is clearly visible.... the grass doe not appear to be greener on the other, side, no matter how much I wish it would be different or the outcome would change.. I refuse to be that old friend again, I refuse... I grew up , I'm older, wiser and ,more mature then I was a few years ago. so I have no choice but to ....IDK
But I think it's time for me to go into hiding and commit social suicide for a spell.I think I need to take a break from you and especially you... your like my drug...I need an elixir.. and I defiantly need to go to rehab, I need to refocus on me, I need to deal with my issues, instead of placing them under the rug. I think I'm spreading myself way to thin, and I think I've become too vested in this circle of endless possibilities.

I feel myself getting a little more agitated and angrier by the day, and I know it takes a lot to get m upset, but I feel like I am nearing that explosive point, and I go in... so I need to withdraw myself from the hustle and bustle, and hectic social scheme of things within all 7 of my different inner social circle's. I bury myself and my issues at the bottom of everything ands take on everything and everyone else so I remain too busy to deal with my own crap. Besides a great tongue and a hard dick I think I also need some

me time.. just to get away , clear my head, refocus my chi and build myself back up. I'm starting to slip and I think its starting to show emotions and my vulnerability. I'm never usually this emotional unstable, the slightest thing's is pissing me off! ugh
I realized for the past few weeks I have been going boy crazy, again shades of the old me... it's like sex and food use to be my therapy and help aide me get through whatever I was going through at the current moment. now, since I don't really do the food part, I do but in small moderation, my sex drive is kicking into overdrive. it's ragging and imp not sure how much longer I can hold it at bay! and it doesn't even have to be sex, I just want to be face fucked hard, while talking dirty and heavy then he can go to work and eat my ass until we both cum loud and mercifully...thanking god while were in all our glory... I find it quite ironic how I call on and know god mostly while I'm in the midst of some pretty raunchy things... I consider him part of the audience!...with that picture being painted I think I just had an orgasm in my mind ... I feel for the next guy I have sex for he better be able to keep it hard, and last for a min, b/c me and his dick are going to be great friends, like Mariah said inseparable. lol ....... the Ex is clearly off that list...he was good at what he did too... boy had my clawing walls like I was spider man and shit a few times, but what's done is done and I refuse to go backwards.....I know the one's I would prefer and want, it just can't and won't happen.... so I guess I'm forced to find other alternatives... I guess I should learn the art of flirting first... I don't think I know how to even flirt, clearly I've been told differently, but clearly alcohol play's a big part in this so called gift... I need to perfect this and use it more often.. I can call myself a tease since now I don't sleep around with the majority of them.... talk about a low blow, I really had a serious gut check and had to question myself esteem after being passed over for somebody who is like freaking 3 times my senior! soo over it...moving on... I figured he just did me a favor and helped me in the long run!
yes everyone has there past and clearly I'm no saint, that would be an understatement...but i'm passed that...I'm so over that stage. I know what I want. I know what I should be doing. it's just hard trying o find people or a person to work on that common goal with... it's funny because me and my other p.i.c. Omar just had this conversation on more then one occasion. We both are good guys, have salaried jobs, no kids, educated, a good personality, can hold a conversation with the best of them, social, enjoyable to be around, yet is it true what they say, nice guys always finish last. Yet you have gypsies, thieves and tramps, (yes for the Cher reference) and they seam to be doing quite well with their part time situations... do I need to be more street, butch the English language to no avail, be completely rude and disrespectful, just to be noticed... don't think the thought never ran across my mind, yet I am not that person, nor will I stride to lower myself or my expectations.
Like I always say i'm a hopeless romantic so I have to believe in the greater good, and I believe my other half is taking his sweet ass time getting here to perfect himself, and to allow me to work on myself so we can be in sync together while working on us together as a whole... To my future I can't wait for the day where I can be totally open and honest with you, and we can both be totally transparent...just me & you....

~everyday i'm stronger, I can't get better if it doesn't hurt, heartbreak is a teacher, now I can love a little bit deeper....

~Confused, exhausted, drained, loveless and still lost in translation'~ xoxo Ciao

Straight Talk?!?!

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is-...William Blake

~~if it was only that easy...I wish the veil of truth spoke louder then the multitude of fabrications, and deceit! it everything and everyone would say what they mean and mean what the F*CK they say, it would be a lot easier....

tired of it all, it's mentally drainaing and wearing down my spirits!