I was going through something yesterday and had to talk to someone with a few of my issue's, because for everyone sake I couldn't tell everything to just anyone, this brain has too much knowledge which could be harmful it in the wrong hands lol, and just so happen fuzzy was feeling some type of way as well. So we met up at his happy place, this place where our troubles sort of dissipate and we can talk, laugh, show emotions and just let it all out without anything or anyone around, the same place where memories are made and it feels children's heart with glee and laughter...yup we went to the park, more importantly to the swing set, one of his and my favorite places!
We had quite the interesting talk, no limits, everything was open a blunt as usual... we both said and admitted to a few things which made us both think, and maybe gasp and question...however within the midst of our conversation as we walked pass the soccer field towards the cars, we touched on a subject which I didn't really want to open up about, especially now, but some how babe knew where I was going before the words left the tip of my tongue. not sure how but apparently it was self evident, he doesn't know but it was kind of bothersome to me, he was thinking that. I'm upset he kind of touched upon it before I could get a handle on it myself...I didn't think something like that was visible, and I tried my best to protect it and cover it... I guess I didn't do much of a good job. I did something I usually don't do, especially to someone who I consider a close friend, I lied, I diverted the conversation and completely didn't even respond... I tried to dismiss it, like it was completely erroneous. however he was right., and he knew what he was talking about, yet I didn't want to acknowledge this idea, this thought, this presence, this feeling... this emotion..... how it came about I don't know, why ? I wish I knew, but I didn't want to aide it at all.. it just happened, and I don't know how to properly let it go... it's like I almost enjoy inflicting this mental and emotional self abuse on my already weary, withered and discombobulated mind .... why put myself through the torture, when the end result is clearly visible.... the grass doe not appear to be greener on the other, side, no matter how much I wish it would be different or the outcome would change.. I refuse to be that old friend again, I refuse... I grew up , I'm older, wiser and ,more mature then I was a few years ago. so I have no choice but to ....IDK
But I think it's time for me to go into hiding and commit social suicide for a spell.I think I need to take a break from you and especially you... your like my drug...I need an elixir.. and I defiantly need to go to rehab, I need to refocus on me, I need to deal with my issues, instead of placing them under the rug. I think I'm spreading myself way to thin, and I think I've become too vested in this circle of endless possibilities.
I feel myself getting a little more agitated and angrier by the day, and I know it takes a lot to get m upset, but I feel like I am nearing that explosive point, and I go in... so I need to withdraw myself from the hustle and bustle, and hectic social scheme of things within all 7 of my different inner social circle's. I bury myself and my issues at the bottom of everything ands take on everything and everyone else so I remain too busy to deal with my own crap. Besides a great tongue and a hard dick I think I also need some
me time.. just to get away , clear my head, refocus my chi and build myself back up. I'm starting to slip and I think its starting to show emotions and my vulnerability. I'm never usually this emotional unstable, the slightest thing's is pissing me off! ugh
I realized for the past few weeks I have been going boy crazy, again shades of the old me... it's like sex and food use to be my therapy and help aide me get through whatever I was going through at the current moment. now, since I don't really do the food part, I do but in small moderation, my sex drive is kicking into overdrive. it's ragging and imp not sure how much longer I can hold it at bay! and it doesn't even have to be sex, I just want to be face fucked hard, while talking dirty and heavy then he can go to work and eat my ass until we both cum loud and mercifully...thanking god while were in all our glory... I find it quite ironic how I call on and know god mostly while I'm in the midst of some pretty raunchy things... I consider him part of the audience!...with that picture being painted I think I just had an orgasm in my mind ... I feel for the next guy I have sex for he better be able to keep it hard, and last for a min, b/c me and his dick are going to be great friends, like Mariah said inseparable. lol ....... the Ex is clearly off that list...he was good at what he did too... boy had my clawing walls like I was spider man and shit a few times, but what's done is done and I refuse to go backwards.....I know the one's I would prefer and want, it just can't and won't happen.... so I guess I'm forced to find other alternatives... I guess I should learn the art of flirting first... I don't think I know how to even flirt, clearly I've been told differently, but clearly alcohol play's a big part in this so called gift... I need to perfect this and use it more often.. I can call myself a tease since now I don't sleep around with the majority of them.... talk about a low blow, I really had a serious gut check and had to question myself esteem after being passed over for somebody who is like freaking 3 times my senior! soo over it...moving on... I figured he just did me a favor and helped me in the long run!
yes everyone has there past and clearly I'm no saint, that would be an understatement...but i'm passed that...I'm so over that stage. I know what I want. I know what I should be doing. it's just hard trying o find people or a person to work on that common goal with... it's funny because me and my other p.i.c. Omar just had this conversation on more then one occasion. We both are good guys, have salaried jobs, no kids, educated, a good personality, can hold a conversation with the best of them, social, enjoyable to be around, yet is it true what they say, nice guys always finish last. Yet you have gypsies, thieves and tramps, (yes for the Cher reference) and they seam to be doing quite well with their part time situations... do I need to be more street, butch the English language to no avail, be completely rude and disrespectful, just to be noticed... don't think the thought never ran across my mind, yet I am not that person, nor will I stride to lower myself or my expectations.
Like I always say i'm a hopeless romantic so I have to believe in the greater good, and I believe my other half is taking his sweet ass time getting here to perfect himself, and to allow me to work on myself so we can be in sync together while working on us together as a whole... To my future I can't wait for the day where I can be totally open and honest with you, and we can both be totally transparent...just me & you....
~everyday i'm stronger, I can't get better if it doesn't hurt, heartbreak is a teacher, now I can love a little bit deeper....
~Confused, exhausted, drained, loveless and still lost in translation'~ xoxo Ciao
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