Greenhouse 07/14/10 NYC Recap Ft: kim, Mel, Dawn, B. Slade,J0harris & Etc.

These past few weeks NYC has seen it's fair share of music... not that mass produced, synthesized, marketing 101 alleged music, but actually good, earth shattering soulful music. Jill Scott, Chrisette Michelle, Marsha Ambrosius just to name a few has graced us all in the Tri State area over the last few weeks. However the epitome thus far had to take place this Past Wednesday, July 14, at The Love Jones Experience at none other then Soho's jewel known as Greenhouse NYC. The decor was delightful, the ambiance was soothing & inviting, the crowd was quite NYC chic and the music was to decadent.

The show had quite a few twist and turns, and offered something for everyone, art in the making, fashion, dancing & amazing sounds of poetry, all backed up with a superior live band. The show started off with a bang with Danni Ai singing "Unlucky" directly into "Storyteller". Followed by Devin and & Lashonna performing " Black & Gold.' These two always bless the microphone every time I hear them, def should be one's to watch out in the future as well. Up next was Vassy, who gave us another vocal display, which was crowd pleasing, including her rendition of " What do you want from Me" an acoustic version of the song as made famous by Adam Lambert. Moving along, the crowd was treated to another performance from the thought provoking, boundary pushing, madame of words Nicole Lyrice. Her delivery, play on words, and enthusiasm can simply be said it's strictly for " the grown & Sexy

The next segment started with none other then Joey AKA J-Harris, another crowd favorite. This quite talented singer, dancer, and songwriter took the crowded to another level. He made us feel his journey, and made you feel the theme of the night, which was "Love! " From his version of "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay, to his song " Illusional Sin" to one of my favorite songs "April Showers' to finish up quite fittingly "I Gotta feeling" as made famous by Black Eyes Peas. J-Harris entertained the crowd from his array of vocal arrangements, his upbeat on key gyration in his hips, to the love he emotes for what he loves to do. and his background dancers added a nice touch

Just when you thought it was time to coast on already what has been a great show, the delectably talented, sinfully delicious, sultry mistress of the mic, New Jersey's own Melissa Musique took the stage. After the first rift which bellowed from the young Diva's mouth, the crowd knew we were all in for a treat. As she took the crowd to another plateau with her rendition of "Summertime" as made famous by many other artist like Billie Holiday, Janis Joplin, and Ella Fitzgerald just to name a few. But this songstress didn't let that intimidate her, took the song and made it her own. This was my first time I ever heard this song performed only the way Melissa could, including a rocked out, fast paced ending, something which was quite unexpected yet undoubtedly welcomed. Miss. Musique is surely on track to being an influential fixture in the music realm, whom we come to love & appreciate.

Connecticut's own, Born to Diva contestant Dawn Tallman was up next, and if you haven't heard the name before, what rock are you sleeping under. This lady can sang, not sing but Saaang with the best of them, definitely gives you a Kelly price, or Deborah Cox, vibe with her powerful voice, and stunning rifts and runs. She has sung with many of artist like Patti, Chaka, Day 26, Stephanie Mills, Kim Burrell just to name a few. Dawn performed fittingly " Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. And I think Chaka would have even given dawn and standing ovation.

Never one to disappoint, Seattle's own born & raised, yet New York polished Kimberly *Nichole owned the stage next. Kimberly, whose punch line is "the puffy-haired tower of power," was introduced. and after midway through her 1st song, ever agreed Tower of power is an understatement, Kim is like a little stick of dynamite. She can serve and deliver with the best of them, and what comes out her tiny frame is pure magical. She gave the crowd a treat performing "Dirty Diana" and her legendary version of "Crazy" as made famous b Gnarls Barkley. She sang her butt off all the whole moving her body to the rhythms of the music. And she closed with her version of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" which was amazing.

Last but not least in any way was the enigma himself, B. Slade the space-age leader of the rest of us space cadets and unicorns. He made the crowd vomit in our mouths as he dished out what I like to call " simply fabulous music" from his new cd Dawn O' the Unicorn. He took us on a enticing ride with his song titled "You', which he debuted at the last Love Jones Experience, and it didn't stop there. He clearly wasn't about to stop and wanted to please the crowd even further. B. Slade got sick with it, and delivered what i call sex in a bottle, for the grown and sexy of course via a track called "Parking Lot.. It's evident he likes playing with his prey, because he revived us again just to slaughter the crowd some more with his enchantingly haunting song titled "Love you Long Tyme," a song sure to be on the tip of everyone's tongue. B. Slade's already massive popularity is still growing- a fact proved by the continued success of his brilliant music. Just remember folks, he reflects an artist virtually bursting with ideas and sounds, all interesting, and leaves you anxious for the next helping.

If you're not jamming to Kimberly Nichole's "Yellow Brick Journey Reloaded" or B. Slades "Dawn O' the Unicorn, then your simply depriving yourself of really good music. These gifted women and men, are all a forces to be reckoned with, and clearly they're ready to allow there crafts & skills to do all the talking. If music helps cleanse the soul, then chil'e mine has been baptized in the Nile and blessed by the musical G*ds themselves. In the words of B. Slade.. Get into to it...TRICK...Work Damn It!!

I utterly hope you all enjoyed my works and posting, show sum love or email me what you think I should talk about next!

~Still lost in translation, but better equipped for the knowledge I'm about to receive~ XOXO Sean Williams

A part of the song.. after a while

For the past few dasys i had this melodic beat filled with the piano and Strings, with a chelloe and bells! Some of the words the song are below, i put them in poem format in care of stanze so i can rearrange it better later...here's the start of it

Que horns, in 3 sets, followed bythe piano and chimes....
...then fuse inthe strings and turn down the piano

AFTER A WHILE…


After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding hands and changing a soul
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security
You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a adult, not the grief of a child


During this part a symphony quartet of strings, subtle chimes and the sax would come into play and the hook would repeate twice

After a While.....

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and the future have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much of it
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring flowers and you learn you really can endure, you are really strong, you really have worth and you learn and you learn..with every you learn.

Food for thought, never second guess urself, doubt ur choices, and regret the path you chose, no matter how difficult it may be, look at the bigger picture, it works out!

~Still lost in translatin yet having soo much fun unraviling Life and all it brings forth!

Lets go down the Yellow Brick Journey~ chil''e u ready

Thoughts, dreams, hellish nightmares turned into beautifully crafted realities, clouded by doubt, judgment, and the unknown, all tangled within the truth, validity, and stone cold reality. Yup... this pretty much sums up the 48 plus days of my life! A whirlwind of events, happenings, disasters, blah blah and fucking blah!

I have this melody in my head i just cant scratch out.. i think i will have to write a separate blog for that.. back to my song and dance. these last 2 months have been quite trying, and pushed me mentally. i think it's an acumination of events which lead me to this point . I've seen a sign of maturity and demur how i handle things now versus me about a year and a half ago. i use to be that bitter, angry vengeful person. I use to take it there, I swear like i said " people are lucky i know Je*us and I'm not the old me who would have taken this to the streets. but, that's not me, no more and not now! I'm to special and mature for that. there's always a better ways to handle situations, events, and people. Just never lose yourself in the process! try not to come out of character and undermine your integrity even if it gets a bit messy.

I've notice my opinions have altered quite a bit, about things i like, and what i don't like, thing's which bother me, and things i chose to let go, people who i want around me versus people who i need around me. it's all apart of the ever so enriching learning experience, i guess! fucking growing up, why can;t we all be kids again, watch TV gleefully, eating our favorite cereal living life carefree! fruity pebbles and the smurfs or thunder cats sound good right about now lol! well....

I think babe, was right i need to have a screening process for people who i let in my inner social circle, and who i let get close to me especially! Nana always use to say (English version; Keep your enemies close b/c u know they don't like you, but keep your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you! She ain;t never lied, people can be so venomous if you allow them to be.

I've been pretty occupied these last two months with planning evenings, attending gatherings, and functions, baby showers, working, making several trips to hospitals, managing relationships, and in the midst apartment hunting and just trying to stabilize myself and give myself a little room to breath. It gets quite hectic and i forget some of the smaller thing's but im trying my best, and i think im spreading myself too thin, im tired and burnt out, yet refuse to just "slow down" not just yet. i forget to do the things which makes me happy! what's up with that? I need to do more for me and less for others, it's not selfish, everyone else just looks out for them, why shouldn't i put ME first?!

I've just started living for myself not too long ago, i just need to walk a fine line and balance out everything

! i should be running my calendar and not letting it run me! i think i have an issue with saying No to people, which is a huge downfall. i always want to see the good in people, no matter what stares back at me in the face? am i a bad person for wanting more and expecting more, while praying for humanity and humility? Or is it the fault of others for not expecting and wanting more from themselves!? I need to stop trying to be mister fix it, every time i see someone or something damaged i challenge myself to fix it! Ugh

Let's call this section the run down:

My grandmother had to be rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery the same day she was about to come up here to take care of my mom whom also had surgery, did i mention all this happened the same day my best friend went into premature labor with my two healthy god children Caleb and Cayleigh. It all was quite a world wind and happened so fast, im still trying to grasp what happened. and it was all back, to back, to back. Trying handling all that and still not drinking ugh, some nerve lol! Im totally thankful everyone is doing well. It's been quite some praying times, more so now then ever! My mommy had to get 2 procedures and was just discharged today, she is home, somewhat mobile and is talkign slightly. I just hope she is clear out of the woods and a speedy recovery. My grandmother is healthy, strong and ding well. She had to get 2 arteries cleared, thank goodness they caught it early! Moni is doing well, she is home, and the babies are strong, healthy, and quite adorable. Every chance i get i shop for them, they bring me blue skies and happy thoughts. babes are just little angels, so precious and magical!

Fuzzy: I noticed every since i became close friends with Sir..scratch that (when we were friends) and insert Gabe, it was a mixed bag, and i never knew what to expect. I noticed our relationship hasn't been the same nor as strong as it use to be. granted we were both busy, me and him use to be inseparable! i've been working on that, and i make sure i reach out to him! i just hopes he puts forth a valiant effort, i so cant go through another 1 sided friendship! baby i refuse dot come! He had a lot of shit happen to him, granted some of it he could have avoided and or not brought upon himself, but he is quite resilient and still manages to stay positive! I don't judge, whatever he does, he does, he knows i don;t like quite a few of his choices, b/c i only want what;s best for hima ndnot to sell himself short, but who am i to condemn, or look down upon, i have my own shit to correct! we talk and express various things, i like we can have that open type of talk about anything and everything, sometimes i admit i do wish he give less detail lol, but it is what it is.. Were in it to win it, so we put on best foot forward and walk forward.

Xavier~ Me and him use to go through these patches where 1 day were good the next day were bad. i don't know where it came form ! i mean i do know where it came from, ok granted the boy did sleep with CJ on numerous occasions even after i told him i was in total awe of Cj. I took that personal, my thought process was ur tricking out a lot, and can trick out, why with Cj after i told u what i told you! it was something I couldn't let go, and it was a personal dagger , but it takes two to tango and i matured. I let that go, I let it go a while ago. things happen for a reason and Cj was that weak, it's the universe way of showing me he's not strong enough to be that guy i need him to be. Were best friends, it worked out for the best! Back 2 my song and dance, lately me and cousin we have been quite inseparable! going everywhere, attending various things, bugging out just me and him, talking about everything and anything, advice shared, it;s been the relationship with him i always wanted! just quite sadden it's about to end, as he prepares himself to move to Wisconsin. but i figure we made it thus far, the distance shouldn't make us stop, if anything it will allow us to appreciate our time together even more.. I love that boy~

Omar~~ This boy i couldn't stand when i first met him, i shot him rocks, gave him the stone cold killer coco evil bitch type hi at first. but he is literally my good good now. were attached, you mess with one, you get the other! he's been there fore me whenever and loves me for me, as i take him and cherish him for being himself! i think we balance each other out! im usually the one holding him back as he tries to cut the next bitch lol! and baby he has a list a mile long,! we can just talk for hours or just bug out, he' sthat male friend I've always yearned for when i was younger. He helps me, and i try to help him! it's a great friendship, but he's more like family. I don't have to question our friendship, its tangible and we accept each other flaws and all! he too was put in my life for a reason i get at times he;s that older brother there to give you words and guidance, even if you may not like what he has to say all the time, he's going to tall it like it is!

Willie My little big booty super hero, lol he's a great guy and. means well, and there is soo much im still learning about him! we have been chatting it up a storm for the past several weeks, and i learn something new everyday! He 's a friend, like i told him last night, were past the point where were just mere acquaintances, and were friends. now time to talk, share, laugh, play and fight and take it to the next friendship stage. he's a good man with a huge heart, loves to listen and be supportive. I told him he is going to make someone very happy when he settle's down.

Lateef~ my babe is a trip. he is so just full of positive ray, smile, kind yet straight to the point words, all wrapped up in a killer fashionable style! there's been many times just me and had tipped the bottle and just talked for hours on end. he can adapt to various situations and people and he is quite comfortable with himself. most people can't say the same! i love that. he will pump and sever, and give you a show, until it game time and baby watch out, don't discredit boo! some say "he's too gay or such a girl" baby bye, he's just him! i just think they envy him b/c he is so happy in his skin, where most are still struggling and figuring things out! me an dhim have become quite close, i feel a connection with him! 
Moni~ that girl is the left side of my brain. she knows i have her back for anything and everything, and she has mine. We have been through too much shot together for it to end any time soon. She know she's stuck with me, as i am with her. And we don't mind, lol it will be quite the life long journey for us both! We value what we have a share, and with steph T3 will always remain embedded within my heart and mind. i love those girls, and they helped at a time when I needed them the most. even if they don't know it, they allowed m to grow, mature, make mistakes and flourish! i'm going to miss my Steph, but PA is right around the corner, or better yet Amtrak and Septa baby lol~


Sir~ It's kind of sad, but recently like many of you know i've lost someone who i figured was a really close friend, more like family. it's sad but we we have been out of sync for the last 32 days, every since the night at VU and that whole incident we kind of fell of the wagon and never could get back on the same pace. most of you rejoiced, SMH not kewl guys lol And after that is just got worst, from the talks we had, or him just go off on these tangents and i would just listen! i felt like his punching bags at time, but you knwo me, always want everyone to be happy! i think one of the last few talks and BBM convo's we had really placed the seed of doubt in my head. Many of people said he was using me, im a fool, he's not genuine, and XYZ. yet I chose not to believe it. we had many of good times, and granted he said and did things which got to me, and im sure i pissed him off a few times lol . but i think we learned how to deal with each other. I had flaws and he had many of them as well, and they clearly did clash at times. It just vexed my spirit how in the last weeks of our friendship he thought we had no issue, clearly it was like the pink elephant in the room! Once i had to start questioning the validity of what he said, or his actions and thought process it takes a lot to undo the damage. i tried to be the best friend possible to him, and it's a shame he could see that. i was always there for him, even when he wasn't there for me. i think what made me needed to take a break was i was starting to fee like it was a one sided deal, where i was always giving and they were just taking. how can you say you love someone and will never hurt them, yet your actions, words and demeanor speaks the opposite. It was a learning experience i will never forget, it;s just sad i never got to say good bye. What started out as a personal time out from most people turned permanent, i think he took it quite personal! i was surprised yet given his track record and how he see friendship i wasn't surprised, what made me so special to be spared like the rest of his casualties? Over the last few weeks i was preparing myself for the worst, i just didn't know it was going to be so abrupt, but enough was enough i had to just let go i see. a few months ago i didn't think that was possible, but after the first time, i was already hurt so this time i think i was better prepared. We were good friends, or so i thought but were in two different place i guess, and had different outtakes on friendship. Do i expect too much from people, or are they just not up to par? the worst was telling my mother, how quickly it was but she was quite fond of him, called him a son, she wasn't too happy just the other day when i told her we no longer speak. She asked for him after the surgery, and i had to be the one to tell her he wasn't coming, ugh! well i was a great ride, but the show must go on. many of people was happy he is no longer apart of my circle, 1 even said "it's like the bitter dark black cloud had been lifted." he wasn't that bad just misunderstood, yet he brought a lot upon himself as well. I took him for what he was worth, i appreciated our friendship, it was genuine. hopefully he never has to question that, if he did he never got me then! At the same time, i know when it's time to say goodbye and enough is enough! I don't like for my feelings, emotions or thoughts to be dismissed and made not valid. He needs to re evaluate quite a few things and start taking responsibility for his actions and words, everyone can't be wrong while he is thee only one right, something is dead wrong with that picture. he can't just shut down on everyone and everything, he says he's fine being alone, yet his actions clearly speaks differently. even the loneliest of lonely will need someone, i hope he finds that person he can finally talk to and open up to, with being on the defense 24/ 7

Which brings me to another part of this twisted equation J~ whom i even introduced to Sir and the rest of my circle, damn i stay creating people and giving them chance! I was seriously taken back by him. When we met we click instantly and have been like P & j stomping across the city in sync. So where did the hostility, and ridiculous child like ways come from. him and mister was def the older one's of the group pushing 30, but they acted in a totally disgusting manner which i would have never pinged either one of them for. i'm usually a good judge of character, but i don't know what happened with this one!I told him things i haven't even told family yet! Mel warned me about his character and people like that, yet little ray of sunshine me always wants to see the good in people. I must admit i only got 1 red flag from him so even after we promised each other whatever happened between me and mister would not effect me and his relationship it did. the ending was quite funky, but you can't control the ending, you can only control how you handle it! It was a fun ride, and i did adore him, past tense bc him and mister disposition just turned me completely off. I don't like ugly, especially from within. .mel tried to tell me, and was trying to tell me without telling me, people for goodness sake i live in a bubble sometimes, just shake me and tell me lol@ don;t beat around the bush, just be upfront with me especially if we already had these talks on several occasions! it's sad to say, but im just happy he hurt me early in the game rather then after an invested period of time. its less painful. he was a good chapter, now lets turn the page....

i opened up to him soo much and soo quick,  and that was a mistake i will never make again.

Speaking of Mel aka Melissa, she has been my knight in shining armor. She is quite the positive free spirit i need around me. i have been all about energy, and lights lately from the practice and books i have been reading and she really has brought back my sunny sky's! we just sit and talk, advise each other, bug out and just relax! we don't have to try, we just are. and it funny because we have only know each other for almost 2 months, and it feels longer then that. i cherish her words of wisdom, she;s been through a lot and shares with me, as well i try to be there for her as well. And she has a killer voce guys .i mean this girl can rock and blow on the mic. the musical gods are quite pleased! She brings me to the yellow when im gray, i appreciate that. her spirit helps me channel my energy and not allow the foolishness and bullshit to get to me. It helps stabilize and balance myself out!

Wow i guess i had a lot to say lol! But no worries, life is life, its the way we choose to handle situations which separate us as humans! I never play the victim, that not in my DNA, you cant feels sorry for people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time and do nothing about it, so not me!

I think the best way to sum this is up is from one of my favorite singers Smokie Norful, he says " I've been up, and I've been down, had my life turned completely around, but in spite of everything i been through i still gotta say THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for your many blessing in spite of my mess!"

Food for thought never allow yourself to compromise , because the next compromise is just around the corner! People need not to take my kindness as a weakness. on the contrary it people like me who you need to watch our for when provoked we don't give a warning! lol

To my past, i say thank you for helping me become who i am today, building character, obtaining values and knowledge and common sense. to my present say be patients he's still working on me, and im still putting in the effort! It shall be a great ride! to my future i anticipate you and welcome you and all you bring with. I'm in a good place! i'm where i need to be with who i need to be there with. No apologies, no hesitation, no excuses for being ME!

Most valuable lesson I've grown to learn! things happen, you just have to DEAL WITH IT, you cann;t force soemthign that's not there! Ahh look at me sounding liek a true adult lol!

Much love and many blessings all around! Were all stars, and we all deserve to Shine! And i leave my little angels and demons with this, Speak with clarity, listen actively, understand fully, think whole heartedly, and walk with a purpose! Never regret your actions if you stil hold true to your character!

Tina and Diana taught me a lot, insert me on center stage,que my music, still the spot light, grabs mic, pose for the camera, fans & haters and say thank you and good night, i luv u all, even if you don't! Thanks for reading! 

Sincerely your's still lost in translation yet with a lot more clarity~ XOXO

Does Thy self understand? I'm like Glass...

Does Thy self understand?
A question at first sounding so simply,
yet convoluted &  lost within a sea of
 maybes, not sure, false hope,possibly or whatever.


Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Allowing my free flowing stream
of consciousness spillith over
Thou shalt understand
my most obscure need.


A face without a face,
strong, yet not strong.
Powerful, yet quite timid,
presently visible yet oblivious to you,
staying well hidden under the shiny,
reinforced armor
A vision breathes within
as I listen to that song.

Quivering hands write
my shadow in this shy night.
A ragged moon coaxes me
into murmuring your light.
Dark dismal clouds fills my horizon
on the most sunniest day
allowing one to see just a
glimmer of light
As the beacon of hope
stays light, dancing through the dense, dark
tumbling clouds of despair

Te quiero, Te quiero, my blood sighs.
I meet my echo in a reflection.
Reveal me your infinitude,
render me your protection.
Ageless, faceless flame
I dare myself to bleed.
Thou shalt understand
desire sleeping in a seed.

Still lost in tranlsation desperately trying to finding my way back home~ sincerly your's XoXo

Estelel said it best ..I Can be a Freak,,,

He never had it like this...it was out of control

When he lets out a moan...the beast within him unfolds
rushes of blood rush through is hands and arms
as he grips around my ass and with his charms
he stops his strokes and licks it up and down
from the bottom to the top, he deserves to pound
but he teases, and fingers, in and out make n it sensational
corner to corner, further and further, he feels for spaces
he grips his hand and makes him quicken his pace
I scream, he moans, my leg lifted horizontal in the air
he kisses each section and i give him so much bare
He slides in. pops out, as the head plays hide & seek
from the looks on his face, he's stroking twice more..
He turns me around, while standing on the couch
slaps my ass, hard, and firm and then sticks it in, with no doubt..
as I throw it back n say deeper while leaning up biting him.
He breathes as i hold my legs to 2gether
.......
He goes faster for the better ....he start's to speed it up
as he pounds with action
he spreads my cheeks wider for satisfaction
he drips so much, he swear he sees his juices spell his name
so he gets rougher and harder, bc he's about 2 go insane
he closes his eyes for the finale, I closes mine as well
He lets it out, all out....

I kissed him gently and says "told u I could be a freak"

Nocturnal Emissions .....

......

6 AM, and I just want this raging hard on to end
All I need is a favor from a friend
A trade, someone take away this perversion I've made
Damn, I need Sex!


Hands slipping under covers, dipping below the waist line
Pretending that in fact they're not mine,
No, they're his and he's trying to find
That motion that's naturally inclined
To make me believe I've gone blind
"Yes, yes, all you have to do is say yes" I plead in my mind
Arching my back, flexing my spine
Opening my mouth starving to be fed, biting my lip, mute words undefined
begging him, "please, I want more, F*ck me.."
relapse as time starts to unwind~

Unravels, ripping, my hands go numb
Furiously jerking fingers and thumb
The alarm goes off~ but I'm almost done..ALMOST there..don't stop..!
And just as I'm about to cum..~
I'm late for work, awe f*ck real life isn't fun..

~Lost in translation yet enjoying the Sticky & Sweat ride....

And the results are in....

Dear mister in the white lab coat, give me th news...straight up...what are the result...

within all the writings, crazy people, thing's, events, work, planning and getting thing's in order i have not had a moment to rejoice and tell anyone else the results are in... they came back from another lab last week.. it's benign...it's not XYZ, im all clear, no more meds, no test, no studies, nothing i'm all clear... thank goodness, it was just a scare my hair was starting to get patchy from the meds.

a mid summer's night dream....

..... TONIGHT I dreamt of U. In my dream we "CONNECTED." Over the phone. U were over there, and I was over here. The things I said to u.... Still play back in my mind.

If I take U from BEHIND
Push MYSELF into ur mind
When u least expect IT
Will u try and REJECT it
If I'm in CHARGE and I treat u like a CHILD
Will u let urself go WILD
Let my MOUTH go where it WANTS TOO........


Once u put ur hand into the FLAME
U can NEVER be the same
There's a certain SATISFACTION
In a little bit of PAIN
I can tell that ur the SAME
If ur AFRAID, well rise again
I only hurt the ones I LOVE

I don't think U know what PAIN is
I don't think U've gone THAT way
I could bring u so much PLEASURE
I'll CUM to u when u say
I know u want ME
I'm not gonna HURT u

I'm NOT gonna hurt u
just CLOSE ur eyes......


...... Then I woke up.

this is ultra sexy, i am not cliaming this as my own

Note 2 God..Charice version not Jojo

"Note To God"


If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on


If I wrote a note to God
I would say what on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say


Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

No, no no no
We can't do this on our own
So

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God
 

Steady stream of consciousness ....

So far this week, was quite tailspin within itself.. I definitely did relapse. just when I thought I made a huge step in the right direction, I step knee deep in shit and take 2 steps backwards, ugh.. damn this continuous rollercoaster... will there ever be a point where everything in life will be balanced and were all "fine" what's to say my constant state of "controlled" chaos is my normal... what is exactly normal? who is exactly normal? I just hate having this enchanted stigma of what or how everything is suppose to be...this week was just a complete unpredictable cycle for me, no matter how I try to dissect this paradigm. And the sad part I kind of now what the issue is, I just chose not to deal with and it ignore it, eventually it's bound to dissipate, yet I feel like Pandora's box is just growing and itching to be let opened and plunged into the entity know as my mental realm. Crazy I know, but what else is there to do...
So since my last entry, my doctor said we hit a milestone, a "breakthrough" if you will. One of these milestones was nothing new for me, I think it's just i'm finally being completely open and honest with my doctor. I realized more so now at this point in my life, even after the incident I need to be open and divulge with him and spew my words upon his unbiased ear. it's not like I have anyone else to lay my burden's on, without paying for it one way or another. I think with a lot of these latest occurrences and the people in my life, I need to talk to someone. i'm starting to realize my friends name are being mentioned more and more in my doctors sessions, the good, the bad and the ugly...tell me why the f*ck am I talking about there asses during my session and i'm the one paying for these visit's! granted they might even be apart of the situation, but still, WTF....

Apparently the doctor discussed that i'm a type A personality, and i'm being co-dependant on my friends in substitute of having a "real relationship". What in the hell does he know about me and my relationship?!
he said instead of working on my past, and mending through the hurt and heartbreak, the pain of what happened after the incident to follow, and deal with it head on, that I'm mending different types of relationships with people because it's easier and doesn't pose a potential threat with me getting hurt. although at times I have to question and wonder it that's totally true. my life has always been a revolving door of people coming in and out my life, and I find that still holds truth present day. It's painful, but I think this is why I have an automatic shell and heavily guarded wall to protect me, not just from the outsiders, but for the people who already worked there way in. someone once told me, watch your enemies because they want to hurt you, however watch your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you... And that stuck with me every since. I've always had a huge trust issues, especially after whatever happened, happened, specially and the person was close to me.. No matter how much I try to let someone in, something in me always screams pull back, no matter how much I want to cave in and divulge everything about me! I want people to know me, I want people to feel me, I want someone to understand me, i want them to see me yet how will they. how will they ever see me, and the whole me if all I do is share just a piece of me? Love and trust builds us up, yet can just as quickly they can break us down and destroy us, from the inside out!

how can I expect to be loved and for someone to love me, if I can't allow them to fully love me? I don't know hence the issue. You ever want something so bad, it totally consumes you, embraces itself around every thought, and infiltrate every aspect of your day to a point where it makes sense to you and only you.. It's so close you can taste it on the tip of your tongue, only to realize it's so far away, as it being taken pried from the cusp of your hands and ripped apart from your soul.. I find myself having that feeling, to the point where it makes me mentally and physically ill.. I've been here before and didn't think I would revisit that place, so soon. Can the healing elixir also be one of the key ingredients poisoning me? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an already lost and completed battle? Is it just for entertainment? ugh, Fuck you, pay me... I think not...

..I guess Christina was right when she said what do you do when you know something's bad for you, but you just can't walk away.... My response, what if you don't know if it's bad for you...what if you're just a little lost and confused and need assistance trying to figure it all out...

But I do think my doctor my be somewhat right, my friends are a reflection upon me, and they do hold qualities my 4th and 5th boyfriend possessed, which were the best relationship I ever had, I don't really think I'm using them as a crutch or to have make shift relationships. I honestly enjoy my friends and any time we share,. however I would be lying to myself, if I said that was completely true. my mind is always working, thinking and functioning, even if I'm not on the same page with it, but my CPU is def working into overtime and it has something in store... I just with I knew what the hell "it" is and please also, I just wish I knew what the hell my mind wanted.


I find myself in a constant struggle with what the heart wants, verses what the mind knows and throws in the mix the emotional factor as well. Like I always say, and someone just reiterated early this morning, to be so bright, I can be so naive and blind at times. I rush into thing with my heart and emotions first, and my brain and sense of self always are staggering in a distant second. I know it's foolish, I know it far fetched, I know it probably will never be, yet I always think and imagine what if.... I wander why...and more importantly why not?!?!

off the subject, but you ever just second guess yourself and ask the dreaded question why me, and why not... I've been doing that lately, which is out of my character.... but I think I'm getting back on track to saying it's not me...it's you! I hate that your making me question myself? I hate that you're making me feel like XYZ. and I hate myself for even allowing you to have this power over me. I'm stronger than that, yet I find myself hiking the inferior route.

I know where it steams from, I hate the predator which created this being in me, you have me feeling like this, you fucked me up forever, you took away something which I try to regain, you stole a piece of me I want back. how in the hell can I give someone all of me 100% if I'm not whole to begin with!! No matter how much I try to just go on and live, and keep a smile on my face, I still hurt, I still grow sad, I still hurt and I'm still alone! I can't even give someone a hug, without thinking "what do they want" you *ucking bastard I Hate You.....

I refuse to give up on life. love, and the pursuit of happiness and liberating myself from it all. I know there will be a rainbow at the end of my rainstorm, like Mariah said I will make it through the rain...I just want to be happy..

These are my words..these are my turths..these are my expressions..this is Me... def lost in tranlation will you be my guide!~~

Now you're gone....

You said the good is suppose to out weight the bad... my yellow is allegedly brighter then the grey... why can't I have happy, why can't I enjoy happy... I do... I have moments... but will it ever be a steady stream... or will I continue to have partial happiness? You promised you wouldn't leave me, you said you would be there to wipe away my tears, you said you would always be there to huge me, to hold me, you said you would always love me, you would help me grow, your suppose to be there to let e fall yet assist in rebuilding myself back up, you left me, you left me behind... who will be there for me now... who will be the partner to the partner, who misses his hero. I still cry, I still have moments where I think it's not real, I still have day's where I don't want to do anything or see anyone, until I see or hear from you. I miss you, I loved you, and I still love you.......I want my pa pa back ,I miss my grandpa

babies, soccer games, play dates ..hello future!!

Today I felt something come alive within, today I felt like a jolt of energy was transferred , positive electrical circuits revitalizing my body and stimulating my mind.Today I felt good, I acted in a selfless manner, I placed other's need before my own without any hesitation. Something I do on a regular, but this time it felt different. I get to love these other humans infinitely and bountifully, without ever having to wonder if they will ever stop loving me back or want to shy away from my love. today I shopped for someone else rather than myself. We found out the sex of the twins today! my bff is having twins, this we knew but this whole time I said I felt she is having one boy and one girl. and today the doctor confirmed it... I think I haven't been this truly happy for a while. I finally get to invest into these little precious, bundles of joy and give them all of me, without wanting anything but there utter happiness!

I mean I know I always say I want children one day, little did I know I would get to practice first hand so soon. kids fit into my 5 year plan, you know first after I get the boyfriend / who shall turn into mu husband, we get the living quarters, something spacious, with a fence and a back yard with room for them to grow and play, not in new jersey. this I already made up, I'm moving out of jersey to buy a bigger place with the amount of money you can spend here! maybe somewhere Midwest or closer to the south somewhere for warm weather, I don't know! I need at least a split level, I hate ranch style homes, we will need an upstairs and downstairs! I will need, I mean we will need space, preferably land! I want at least 2 kids, with a dog, I prefer dogs over cat's. I want to have recital's to attend, and play dates to take them to soccer practice! they have to at least try to play at least 1 instrument, and take another language, going to have to ensure a strong foundation, and education and being well rounded and versed plays apart of adapting to any situation. I want to share recipes, and bake them cookies, and have to rush to make a cake for there class because they told me last minute. I want to take of sick day to stay home with them because there sick, of be there for their first snow storm, there first step, there first word, or there first fall to pick them up. I want those things. But no worries, all will be in the grand scheme of things, can't wait around for it, I need to make it happen and in due to. is there ever a good time to have kid's! no, but I think the perfect age for me to have kids will be between 32-35, that way it will be within my 5 year plan, and stable... And if gives me time to grow up and keep on maturing... you can't be a child raising a child, mentally not really referring to age, especially these days .

I can't wait for the day I get to have the family everyone wants', we do have to be perfect, but as long as we have each other and a infinite amount of love that all we will need! It gives me something to look forward to! Call me a dreamer if you want, but I believe in dreaming big, and always dreaming of the unthinkable and the impossible, because nothings impossible and remember every great thing started from a Dream!

still lost in translation yet that much closer to clarity! xoxo Ciao

You're not suppose to be....

This is another one I had to free from my mind onto paper, as I let if run freely and I've decided to share!

This is my art, this is my therapy, this is my life & these are my truths!!

You're suppose to be a mere figment of my imagination, yet a true vision of my future..

You're suppose to be untouchable and encased in a fortress sheltered from disappointment anguish and heartbreak, showcasing off happiness and eternal bliss for all to see...

You're suppose to be attached with XYZ and not within my realm which makes it harder not to touch the dream I sought after, wishing upon many of moons & many of stars..


You're suppose to be distant and afar, yet I can still smell your scent like your still next to me even when you're not around. how can something so far yet be so close.


You're suppose to be not appealing, cold, murky, an easy read which should make it easy for me to push you away
yet I find u charming, captivating, warm, & perplexed leaving me wanting 2 unravel more


You're suppose to be nonexistent in my wants and absent from my dreams
yet I rush to go to sleep to see you as I close my eyes and get lost in a fantasy..


You're suppose to be here providing strength and clarity and love ,yet I feel helpless and lost as I struggle to diminish theses feelings which have risen from within the depths which should not be present...


You are not suppose make me have a flutter of many feelings and make me truly love you or make me think what if....

I hope you guys enjoyed reading as much as I do writing! it's one of my many passion, and it's not always easy sharing your creative baby to the world. I love feedback so hit it up!

~~In a fantasy not sure if I ever want to wake up, still lost in translation! XOXO ~~

Remeber always dare to dream, and dream the impossible b.c it's possible!

Beautiful...

I think Vivian made the perfect song and defiantly had me in mind with this song and lyrics! I think she knows I needed to hear this song, and apply it to myself and others...I could say so much but the song says it all..tt makes you wonder about dynamics and the different types of relationships. There suppose to be so clear cut, and understood, yet theres so murky and unintelligible...it's almost like you need to hire an interpreter just to dissect whatever "it" is, meaning the dynamics and discourse of the  type of relatiosnhip you may or may not have..... (Insert light bulb) I just got another posting idea.... I think Adam Lambert said it best when he said " What do you want from me? " I luv that song too...If only I knew what the hell I am doing? The saga continues I guess..

"But I hope you soon find out how to love, once upon of time you wanted to learn, I thought I could teach you but you were more afraid then willing, so when it comes, don't push it away, one day you will find out it is the greatest gift, and I hope you don't take advantage of it..."

still lost in thought, lost, in sight, & still lost in translation! xoxo

The Sexual And Romantic Vulture

On the prowl day and night…..,
But even more in the pale moonlight……,
The Sexual And Romantic Vulture…..
It’s passion is on a roll…..,
So its dick is hard to control……,
The Sexual And Romantic Vulture…..,
Now beware of the evil moves…..,
Cause you’ll get more than the blues….,
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
Fire set ablaze in lust filled eyes,
To the perfect touch which makes ur heart aflutter,
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted
Is it the thrill of the chase, or the thrill of getting caught...
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
What type of create have we brought upon us, as I say..
As you feed upon my flesh while savoring every taste
Wanting more, ravishing my anatomy as im in dire need of yours.
Playing with the beast and dancing with sin, while in total awe
From the Sexual And Romantic Vulture….,
As I taste your juices, and lick the blood which stains our mangled yet pleasure filled corpse

I hope this leaves you guessing & wanting more kiddies.... still lost in translations but remeber  ALWAYS ENJOY THE RIDE xoxo

Lost One Lost....

This came to me recently and i thought i would share instead of keeping it private..it's called.. Little one lost..

I'm Lost in a world, that scares me to death,

Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,

Lost as a kid, lost as an adult

I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way

Lost in life every day, Lost in worry

Who am I?

I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost and loveless,
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there?
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place

Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve
 

**Lost in translation* until next time xoxo Ciao

F*CK you, hear me roar!

Like B said " i lay alone at night sorrow fills my eyes yet im not strong enough to cry, despite my disguise, im left with no shoulder but everyone wants to lean on me, i guess im there soulder, who's going to save the hero, when I'm left here all alone, and crying out for help, after I save the world, I've given too much of myself know it's driving me crazy , I'm crying out for help, sometimes I wish someone would just come and save me, save me from myself!

I kind of scratched this one out of my head a few days ago.... im a writer, a creative thinker, someone who likes to push the vague obscure lines with serious rated R undertones in my writing, yet im quite fragile and emotional when it comes to my shit.... I think I have to many channels flowing through MY mind, yet my hands are not quite fast enough to translate the creative expression which come free flowing. conformities, (bullshit) censorship, boundaries, fuck you, you two bit cheating hussy.....these are my jumbled up, crazy, twisted, thoughts....lol

So, as I was in another "session" the other day, just enjoying the moment and letting my inner earth child be at one, I realized, damn....life in general is really fucked up right about now... im better off then most, but far off the radar from some..... my financial status, is well, but one can never have too much, am I suppose to be happy being middle class, yes but no, money makes the world go around and it's sad to say but nothing in life is free, even love, it's costly, painful and hurts like 10 bitches beating up the special kid in class, however at the same time like Vivian said it's the best gift in the world...ugh insert sigh, that's a whole other can of worms, but more about my non existent love life in a little while. my job, love it., yet im one never to get too complacent if something better happens by me making further moves, of course im jumping ships, im always looking to expand my horizon... my emotional well being, I kid you know these days im so bipolar it's not even funny. my random ass of a rollercoaster mood swings are getting a little worrisome to me, at first I just figured it was because of the stress and outside influences, i.e. people and there bullshit I have to deal with, but usually im really great at just adjusting and keep pumping, walking to my own beat, yet I'm think an acumination of things are finally starting to build up and bubble over! As I sip on this good drink!

I think im tired of pleasing others or trying to please others and getting fucked over ( and not in a good way) to many times by people whom I love or claim they love me! And u why im so private and have a hard time opening up! Simple people keep your enemies close because u know they don't like you, yet keep your friends even closer b/c they know how to hurt you the most!" I figure the less I open up, the less ammo you have to turn and use against me!

I think some mistake my niceness as a signed of weakness! I think many people today lost sight on humanity and humility, and compassion for there fellow man. Is it true nice guys finish last? Most say Yes, but I say hell fucking no.... because in the end im going to be left still standing, a survivor, stronger then before and with my equal (s)... I've learned the harder you work for something and the harder to strive to make things happen, the sweeter the reward and it truly will be more fulfilling. I think I need to start living for me, and putting ME first, I want to have that "fuck you" attitude which apparently everyone else has, but that s not kewl, and that's just not me... I need to stop just going with the flow of things, I think it's time I start creating a few rip tides and cause a few waves, you know shake things up just a bit... not in a deliberately malicious way, just to let people know, I have something to say, instead of just thinking I'm a passerby! ...like a wise bumper sticker says " Stop fucking complaining and start a revolution!" I love Me some Me, know if only we can change that Me to an us or we lol! but that's another post to follow...

Need to fix me another drink brb...still lost in translation yet not quite toked enough to lose my way!

Food for thought~~

I am the thinker that creates the thoughts that create the things. There are no circumstances around you more powerful than the power within you. You are responsible for your life through your consciousness. Racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism have no power over you unless you believe they do. A belief is the most contagious influence you possess. If you believe in circumstances, they can and will defeat you. If you believe in yourself, you are assured victory. There is a wonderful inner world at work within each of us. It knows no color, gender or age. We fuel this inner world within initiative, ingenuity and a picture in our minds. The world responds and produces according to how we fuel it. If we picture poverty, oppression, failure, disease and doubt, we cannot expect to enjoy wealth, success and health. When we put the forces of our inner self to work with good thoughts, it will produce according to our system of ideas. If we can keep our inner world clean, fertilize our minds with productive positivity, the power within will create, with dynamic force, all that we believe is possible."


TODAY I FUEL MY INNER WORLD WITH POSITIVE POSSIBILITIES

...still lost in translation yet grooving to the melodies as i march to the beat of my own drum~~ XoXo until next time~

~~~Passions Manifesto~~~

Something so minor starting off as lust, burned into a desire, over taken by love, and the insatiable thirst for it all... damn let's call this tale of lust, love and desire. passions manifesto.


It was a troublesome tricky vertical dance, laced with innocence mixed with dyer alluding sexuality and the appreciation of the male form, quickly turned into an intense game of two men dancing around the forbidden dance, trying to out wit and out play the other, not knowing the other one has the same intensions just with two different strategies.


Tired of trying to escape the attraction, not wanting to pass on the now, getting weary from dancing around the inevitable not chancing to give up on what could be, finally allowing there flirtatious ways get the best of them...it started of as a wink, then came the smile, here comes the touch, which leads to caressing of the physique, hands roaming freely leaving no single part of the body untouched nor unexplored. A quick peck, followed by another, followed by tongues being introduced, then used to get acquainted with the other parts.. teeth come into play a nibble here and there as one remained pinned down by a strong hold against his neck. there just getting started but this is clearly passion manifesto

The aroma of hot flesh being adjourned together fills the chilled air, entangled into one mound of burning desire, yearning for the next touch, the next lick, itching for another bite, begging to be held ever so tight, searching for more.

  Pure passion mixed with the allure of fire, and a hint of rage beaming from our eyes, entangled with love which curbs all the doubt and hesitation, because it feel....Oooo so right..... gazing into one another eyes, seeing the dance of love beating to the rhythmic sounds & melodies of our bodies as one, trying to perform and contort to the endless positions shared between us... our sweat drenched, sun kissed brown skin bodies barely being reveled...as we both try to steal another look to see each other's face in the dim, candlelit room using the shards of light reflecting off our naked, warm, intimate parts...

Momentary silence fills the room, only to be disturbed by the bellowing sounds of loud moans getting more verbose, louder and louder, our bodies in sync adjusting to the others rhythm, losing all sense of control and letting our parts establish there own language! talking and responding to the sounds of thrusting and pulling, pounding, and licking, one sound louder then the last, speeding up almost at their peak, looking to cum and moan at the same time leaving each other completely satisfied.. no this isn't fucking.. it's more to it...it's filled with passion, and intensity, sensuality, touching each other oh so delicately yet with just enough brute force and strength to make even the strongest man succumb to their bodies thirsty desires.... see this isn't just sex this is passion manifesto...

Awakened by a breeze & noise stirring in the background, trying to pry from his lucid stage all while feeling the aftermath of his session, just to find no one there. Looking around in a frantic panic, trying to figure out what happened, dazed and confused yet yearning for more... the bite marks left still visible upon him, the scratches he feels on his skin, as sweat engulfed his entire body, he can still taste it on his tongue.... thinking was it just a dream??...could this not have been real??....thinking to himself it's had to be as doubt settle in, ...just to be reassured from the tall, dark and masculine man approaching him from behind out of total darkness saying " no baby it was real, it was damn real, it was simply passions manifesto"

I hope you guys enjoyed, there's more to come shortly, and many apologies for the lack of writing over the past 2 weeks., much has happened and I have plenty to say as I continue traveling on this journey, so I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did the experience, with much left to be discussed!

~Still lost in translation yet knowing I am stronger then my yesterdays!~ XoXo until next time ~

 

Truthful thoughts escaping from an open window!

So it is safe to say I think I pretty much figured out a few issue, which I tried to alleviate before they became to something of this magnitude what so ever! This past week, I know I have been feeling a certain way, but I figured it would pass and I would "Get over it..." clearly not, and it's sort of becoming visible. I think my cracks are starting to show through my porcelain, ever so charming mask?! why am I feeling this way? why do I let it get to me the way I do? Why did I let you in, and give you a glimpse of my true essence, and not just the "Public me.." it's frustrating s hell....


I was going through something yesterday and had to talk to someone with a few of my issue's, because for everyone sake I couldn't tell everything to just anyone, this brain has too much knowledge which could be harmful it in the wrong hands lol, and just so happen fuzzy was feeling some type of way as well. So we met up at his happy place, this place where our troubles sort of dissipate and we can talk, laugh, show emotions and just let it all out without anything or anyone around, the same place where memories are made and it feels children's heart with glee and laughter...yup we went to the park, more importantly to the swing set, one of his and my favorite places!
We had quite the interesting talk, no limits, everything was open a blunt as usual... we both said and admitted to a few things which made us both think, and maybe gasp and question...however within the midst of our conversation as we walked pass the soccer field towards the cars, we touched on a subject which I didn't really want to open up about, especially now, but some how babe knew where I was going before the words left the tip of my tongue. not sure how but apparently it was self evident, he doesn't know but it was kind of bothersome to me, he was thinking that. I'm upset he kind of touched upon it before I could get a handle on it myself...I didn't think something like that was visible, and I tried my best to protect it and cover it... I guess I didn't do much of a good job. I did something I usually don't do, especially to someone who I consider a close friend, I lied, I diverted the conversation and completely didn't even respond... I tried to dismiss it, like it was completely erroneous. however he was right., and he knew what he was talking about, yet I didn't want to acknowledge this idea, this thought, this presence, this feeling... this emotion..... how it came about I don't know, why ? I wish I knew, but I didn't want to aide it at all.. it just happened, and I don't know how to properly let it go... it's like I almost enjoy inflicting this mental and emotional self abuse on my already weary, withered and discombobulated mind .... why put myself through the torture, when the end result is clearly visible.... the grass doe not appear to be greener on the other, side, no matter how much I wish it would be different or the outcome would change.. I refuse to be that old friend again, I refuse... I grew up , I'm older, wiser and ,more mature then I was a few years ago. so I have no choice but to ....IDK
But I think it's time for me to go into hiding and commit social suicide for a spell.I think I need to take a break from you and especially you... your like my drug...I need an elixir.. and I defiantly need to go to rehab, I need to refocus on me, I need to deal with my issues, instead of placing them under the rug. I think I'm spreading myself way to thin, and I think I've become too vested in this circle of endless possibilities.

I feel myself getting a little more agitated and angrier by the day, and I know it takes a lot to get m upset, but I feel like I am nearing that explosive point, and I go in... so I need to withdraw myself from the hustle and bustle, and hectic social scheme of things within all 7 of my different inner social circle's. I bury myself and my issues at the bottom of everything ands take on everything and everyone else so I remain too busy to deal with my own crap. Besides a great tongue and a hard dick I think I also need some

me time.. just to get away , clear my head, refocus my chi and build myself back up. I'm starting to slip and I think its starting to show emotions and my vulnerability. I'm never usually this emotional unstable, the slightest thing's is pissing me off! ugh
I realized for the past few weeks I have been going boy crazy, again shades of the old me... it's like sex and food use to be my therapy and help aide me get through whatever I was going through at the current moment. now, since I don't really do the food part, I do but in small moderation, my sex drive is kicking into overdrive. it's ragging and imp not sure how much longer I can hold it at bay! and it doesn't even have to be sex, I just want to be face fucked hard, while talking dirty and heavy then he can go to work and eat my ass until we both cum loud and mercifully...thanking god while were in all our glory... I find it quite ironic how I call on and know god mostly while I'm in the midst of some pretty raunchy things... I consider him part of the audience!...with that picture being painted I think I just had an orgasm in my mind ... I feel for the next guy I have sex for he better be able to keep it hard, and last for a min, b/c me and his dick are going to be great friends, like Mariah said inseparable. lol ....... the Ex is clearly off that list...he was good at what he did too... boy had my clawing walls like I was spider man and shit a few times, but what's done is done and I refuse to go backwards.....I know the one's I would prefer and want, it just can't and won't happen.... so I guess I'm forced to find other alternatives... I guess I should learn the art of flirting first... I don't think I know how to even flirt, clearly I've been told differently, but clearly alcohol play's a big part in this so called gift... I need to perfect this and use it more often.. I can call myself a tease since now I don't sleep around with the majority of them.... talk about a low blow, I really had a serious gut check and had to question myself esteem after being passed over for somebody who is like freaking 3 times my senior! soo over it...moving on... I figured he just did me a favor and helped me in the long run!
yes everyone has there past and clearly I'm no saint, that would be an understatement...but i'm passed that...I'm so over that stage. I know what I want. I know what I should be doing. it's just hard trying o find people or a person to work on that common goal with... it's funny because me and my other p.i.c. Omar just had this conversation on more then one occasion. We both are good guys, have salaried jobs, no kids, educated, a good personality, can hold a conversation with the best of them, social, enjoyable to be around, yet is it true what they say, nice guys always finish last. Yet you have gypsies, thieves and tramps, (yes for the Cher reference) and they seam to be doing quite well with their part time situations... do I need to be more street, butch the English language to no avail, be completely rude and disrespectful, just to be noticed... don't think the thought never ran across my mind, yet I am not that person, nor will I stride to lower myself or my expectations.
Like I always say i'm a hopeless romantic so I have to believe in the greater good, and I believe my other half is taking his sweet ass time getting here to perfect himself, and to allow me to work on myself so we can be in sync together while working on us together as a whole... To my future I can't wait for the day where I can be totally open and honest with you, and we can both be totally transparent...just me & you....

~everyday i'm stronger, I can't get better if it doesn't hurt, heartbreak is a teacher, now I can love a little bit deeper....

~Confused, exhausted, drained, loveless and still lost in translation'~ xoxo Ciao

Straight Talk?!?!

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is-...William Blake

~~if it was only that easy...I wish the veil of truth spoke louder then the multitude of fabrications, and deceit! it everything and everyone would say what they mean and mean what the F*CK they say, it would be a lot easier....

tired of it all, it's mentally drainaing and wearing down my spirits!

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told...

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told... Ok so I was talking to someone recently and apparently according to them I always have time for other people and there issue's, but never can finalize and fix my own, let alone share "My Feelings" ok... so When did I Become Emotionally Damaged, I didn't; have a screwed up childhood, My Family loves Me, I wasn't abused, I don't have daddy issue's, ( well I do just not the pg 13 kind) lol and I never did smutty things growing up to get attention, lol ok, ok , ok don't laugh, let's move on, co signing Suzie! so Again! I ask myself "When did I become Emotionally Damaged and incapable of expressing my true Feelings?!"

So Hence this posting....this game is called Truth Be Told,unedited, unfiltered. no holding back truths, or Factoids about Me and all that is ME< a few of you may or may not know! If you like the game please Cont with your own Version, and remember be totally blunt and honest as possible! *Disclaimer* Don't have one..lol

My 20 top Truths.... plus 1 bonus lol *p.s. translation at bottom*

1) I have a huge Social Phobia especially when it comes to a large gathering of Breeder's*,the gayest of the gay's and or Children...Their way too Unpredictable, Attention craving and Emotionally unstable. I'm usually a nervous wreck amongst any type of crowd, but rarely will you see it! the doctors showed me how to cope!

2) Yes I love my GLBT* familia, however I really can't stand overly GAY people...I can't do Cunt* or too many lesbian ( n yes men can be lesbian too). there over the top and tend to bring way too much unnecessary drama and problems.. Ugh Man the *FCUK* UP missy

3) An Intelligent, well verbose, sexy, emotionally in touch, want to portray a heart, show's he care and has concern, can give you Masculinity but can serve face & attitude every now and again full bodied, secure dominant alpha male is the f*cking sexiest! And if they have what I call adequate "share holding's" and can use there hanging low investment wisely in the hip area babyyy! See, they are the type that usually tends to get me in trouble and caught up every time! ughhh ok I promise not to start flooding! *and note to self from the past make sure their not married, with kids or a kid on the way, and a job!* but it's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 day's

4) I'm currently sexually deprived, and crave sex, yet I want to see how far I can make it, Sex doesn't run my life, so i'm ok without it, and I refuse to go back down that dark path of random hook up's and countless hook up's. Def not for me, I now know my self worth, and know truly I deserve and want more for myself! I love myself, But...and yes there is a but...if sex or sexual things happen, who am I to stop it or say no lol! .

5) As much as I want to stay upset and linger on to the past, I miss what I use to have with my ex. I miss the comfort, I miss loving and being loved, I miss being held and holding him, I miss and use to look forward to his kisses and warm embraces, the many of night we just laid there talking and it didn't even have to be about sex, it was deeper then that. it was another connection we had, or many surprise "just because" dates and present or random outing's... But he screwed thing's up, you don't have the right to see how I am doing, you don't have the right to call me, you don't have the right to ask me how my day went babe, you last that, you lost us, you turned the one true person who loved you flaws and all away, not me but you! I don't hate him, I don't dislike him, I'm just broken, emotionally scared, and wish it didn't have to be. I will forgive him, but Not today! I'm all cried out, thank goodness for retail therapy and great friendship's, I could stop possibly seeing my shrink soon, why pay to talk when I have them,lol!

6) I like having Relations at the work place, or in public places where I can almost get caught, especially with my Superiors.. or co worker, or hey even my boyfriend (whenever I get one),,,,something about power or being sexual in public/ private = sexy to Me....

7) I had a revelation and think I'm learning how to un-love one of my best friends, however the downside is I'm nervous yet intrigued where or on who the emotions are shifting to!! Just like a spoiled brat, I always want the one's I can't have! but....messy...messy...and more messy......

8) I think I may have slight commitment issue's! Ok don't get me wrong i'm not a sleaze bag, or a cheater, I refuse to be a cheater, why even bother right, I think I might be a touch of an emotional cheater! I have trust issue's!

9)I really do deeply care something serious for one of my Friends...If only I knew what the hell they were thinking and what they wanted...UGH

10) I spend mass amounts of money on mostly sh*t I don't need but really do want...But I have learned how to...OMG Word Vomit...BUDGET and be sensible with my money...

11) Usually when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard, usually it takes a while but when I'm there, it's like OMG...ok real talk.. I might get even like a little OCD'ish at times lol! Don't say not 1 word lol! who hasn't driven by the current or ex house once or twice just to make sure lol!

12) Ok well since I'm putting all the cars on the table, back in my hay day, when I use to have my "Hoe'ish type of moments" yeah... I use to say it was because of the Alcohol, but yeah a few of those times the Alcohol was just my cover up, lol! Hey.. don't judge I know a few of you and your old stories. let's not get to start pointing fingers lol!

13) I over analyze everything...even something that appears so miniscule to others, I will take my time thinking about every other possibility! the good, the bad, and the not so fort.

14) I Absolutely HATE, and yes I know Hate is such a strong word but HATE: Orange People. And dark skinned ppl with unnatural blonde hair...OMG u look ridiculous and need a *GBF and or a mirror! p.s. and Men who wear thong sandals with socks.. Oh the Tragedy...and fanny packs, r u serious. and mini skirts with Ugh boots..damn r u hot or cold. IDK. something about that look screams future pole dancer... ugh why did I just vision miley Cyrus !

15) I have trust issue's and will be the first one to say I do! I'm too nice, and I had way too many not so nice ppl do way to many not so good things to me! So I have to stay guarded or come off a little bitchy or crass, but it's just my defense mechanism!

16) I'm usually the nicest guy you will ever get to know, unless you cross me the wrong way, use me, backstab me, or you give me a valid reason not to like you, then i'm your worst nightmare, and I go for broke!

I can give you a Verbal tongue lashing or a Written Notice in zero to 3.5 seconds like it's no one's business....Don't make me Read u, I get serious pleasure in make grown ppl cry, no joke!

17) I recently realized in the previous 2-3 relationships, it was so nice and perfect, I always thought it was too perfect! So I looked for thing's at times on purpose to be like "Hah there See I told you...or everyone's favorite line.." I knew it.."
18) I have an alter-ego which some of you unfortunately will never know or get to meet! Let's just say Alcohol usually play's a factor, and get's him in certain situations..lol nothings bad, just my alter he's a little extra friendly and stuff! he's the free spirited, fun loving, peace on earth extra friendly social drinker, who likes to stir the pot, and cause a little trouble. it's good being bad, even if your apart of it or not, it's fun! OMG lol Great times! Patron and 151 was flowing heavy that night, ahh memories:)....let's create new one's

19) I think the old crazy, insane, extremist with food issue's me is coming back into play. my co-workers pointed that out today! yes I eat less, yes I restrict myself, yes I went back to weighing thing's, yes I read labels, yes I try to see how long I have to go without food food! but I have to, the amount of pressure I put on myself to lose more weight, the pressure from this u have to be thin society, and it could be worst, I can always go back to being a secret binge eater and then vomiting up right after, but I refuse. that was messy, and costly to fix, and damaging mentally and physically! I don't want to harm myself!

20) I'm so prim and proper and so pg-13 in public, yet only if half of the ppl knew i'm so rated xx. but these day's who isn't! so I like it sensual at first, then speed it up and then for them to beat it down while out fuck session intensifies! so what I like dirty talk, and what's wrong with a little nibbling and biting and choking! who doesn't mind love wounds or scratches on naked flesh, ok so I don't really like the bed, and ok with carpet burns, cold floors, the staircase, or outside half way in the car late at night in the park by the track on the same side by the tennis court or in the bathroom in sear's in Woodbridge mall on the 3rd floor by lines, b/c there all handicap accessible and big as hell yesss, so what I'm always prepared with my to bags in my car equipped with condoms of all sorts, lubes, dice, handcuffs, underwear, a toothbrush, oils, a rag and things of such nature....shhhh what i'm a club scout, remember always be prepared is the motto! lol
21) I like animals better then some people, don't get me wrong i'm not insensitive but with animals you have a co-dependant relationship and they don't tend to hurt you the way humans do. So let's see a choice between a room full of puppies and kitties or a horse, or saving a small village in Cambodia or Africa, sorry Maddox you and your clan are on your own.....what are you mad I said it or are you upset I said the option u wanted to pick but was too damn guilty to chose!

~The Breeder's Translation Dictionary~

1)Breeder-Self Explanatory Heterosexual

2)GLBT- gay, lesbian, bi sexual, & trans gendered!

3) Cunt- Overtly gay- beyond flaming! u know two snaps, eye roll, serious switching, girl this.....kind of person. usually Male...and I can name 3 right about now...but you might be one of them lol!
4)GBF- Gay Best Friend

~i hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing & sharing...~~

Live*Laugh*Learn*Love*Grow~~~till next time luvies ~~~ still lost in translation...yes enjoying the journey!