Truthful thoughts escaping from an open window!

So it is safe to say I think I pretty much figured out a few issue, which I tried to alleviate before they became to something of this magnitude what so ever! This past week, I know I have been feeling a certain way, but I figured it would pass and I would "Get over it..." clearly not, and it's sort of becoming visible. I think my cracks are starting to show through my porcelain, ever so charming mask?! why am I feeling this way? why do I let it get to me the way I do? Why did I let you in, and give you a glimpse of my true essence, and not just the "Public me.." it's frustrating s hell....


I was going through something yesterday and had to talk to someone with a few of my issue's, because for everyone sake I couldn't tell everything to just anyone, this brain has too much knowledge which could be harmful it in the wrong hands lol, and just so happen fuzzy was feeling some type of way as well. So we met up at his happy place, this place where our troubles sort of dissipate and we can talk, laugh, show emotions and just let it all out without anything or anyone around, the same place where memories are made and it feels children's heart with glee and laughter...yup we went to the park, more importantly to the swing set, one of his and my favorite places!
We had quite the interesting talk, no limits, everything was open a blunt as usual... we both said and admitted to a few things which made us both think, and maybe gasp and question...however within the midst of our conversation as we walked pass the soccer field towards the cars, we touched on a subject which I didn't really want to open up about, especially now, but some how babe knew where I was going before the words left the tip of my tongue. not sure how but apparently it was self evident, he doesn't know but it was kind of bothersome to me, he was thinking that. I'm upset he kind of touched upon it before I could get a handle on it myself...I didn't think something like that was visible, and I tried my best to protect it and cover it... I guess I didn't do much of a good job. I did something I usually don't do, especially to someone who I consider a close friend, I lied, I diverted the conversation and completely didn't even respond... I tried to dismiss it, like it was completely erroneous. however he was right., and he knew what he was talking about, yet I didn't want to acknowledge this idea, this thought, this presence, this feeling... this emotion..... how it came about I don't know, why ? I wish I knew, but I didn't want to aide it at all.. it just happened, and I don't know how to properly let it go... it's like I almost enjoy inflicting this mental and emotional self abuse on my already weary, withered and discombobulated mind .... why put myself through the torture, when the end result is clearly visible.... the grass doe not appear to be greener on the other, side, no matter how much I wish it would be different or the outcome would change.. I refuse to be that old friend again, I refuse... I grew up , I'm older, wiser and ,more mature then I was a few years ago. so I have no choice but to ....IDK
But I think it's time for me to go into hiding and commit social suicide for a spell.I think I need to take a break from you and especially you... your like my drug...I need an elixir.. and I defiantly need to go to rehab, I need to refocus on me, I need to deal with my issues, instead of placing them under the rug. I think I'm spreading myself way to thin, and I think I've become too vested in this circle of endless possibilities.

I feel myself getting a little more agitated and angrier by the day, and I know it takes a lot to get m upset, but I feel like I am nearing that explosive point, and I go in... so I need to withdraw myself from the hustle and bustle, and hectic social scheme of things within all 7 of my different inner social circle's. I bury myself and my issues at the bottom of everything ands take on everything and everyone else so I remain too busy to deal with my own crap. Besides a great tongue and a hard dick I think I also need some

me time.. just to get away , clear my head, refocus my chi and build myself back up. I'm starting to slip and I think its starting to show emotions and my vulnerability. I'm never usually this emotional unstable, the slightest thing's is pissing me off! ugh
I realized for the past few weeks I have been going boy crazy, again shades of the old me... it's like sex and food use to be my therapy and help aide me get through whatever I was going through at the current moment. now, since I don't really do the food part, I do but in small moderation, my sex drive is kicking into overdrive. it's ragging and imp not sure how much longer I can hold it at bay! and it doesn't even have to be sex, I just want to be face fucked hard, while talking dirty and heavy then he can go to work and eat my ass until we both cum loud and mercifully...thanking god while were in all our glory... I find it quite ironic how I call on and know god mostly while I'm in the midst of some pretty raunchy things... I consider him part of the audience!...with that picture being painted I think I just had an orgasm in my mind ... I feel for the next guy I have sex for he better be able to keep it hard, and last for a min, b/c me and his dick are going to be great friends, like Mariah said inseparable. lol ....... the Ex is clearly off that list...he was good at what he did too... boy had my clawing walls like I was spider man and shit a few times, but what's done is done and I refuse to go backwards.....I know the one's I would prefer and want, it just can't and won't happen.... so I guess I'm forced to find other alternatives... I guess I should learn the art of flirting first... I don't think I know how to even flirt, clearly I've been told differently, but clearly alcohol play's a big part in this so called gift... I need to perfect this and use it more often.. I can call myself a tease since now I don't sleep around with the majority of them.... talk about a low blow, I really had a serious gut check and had to question myself esteem after being passed over for somebody who is like freaking 3 times my senior! soo over it...moving on... I figured he just did me a favor and helped me in the long run!
yes everyone has there past and clearly I'm no saint, that would be an understatement...but i'm passed that...I'm so over that stage. I know what I want. I know what I should be doing. it's just hard trying o find people or a person to work on that common goal with... it's funny because me and my other p.i.c. Omar just had this conversation on more then one occasion. We both are good guys, have salaried jobs, no kids, educated, a good personality, can hold a conversation with the best of them, social, enjoyable to be around, yet is it true what they say, nice guys always finish last. Yet you have gypsies, thieves and tramps, (yes for the Cher reference) and they seam to be doing quite well with their part time situations... do I need to be more street, butch the English language to no avail, be completely rude and disrespectful, just to be noticed... don't think the thought never ran across my mind, yet I am not that person, nor will I stride to lower myself or my expectations.
Like I always say i'm a hopeless romantic so I have to believe in the greater good, and I believe my other half is taking his sweet ass time getting here to perfect himself, and to allow me to work on myself so we can be in sync together while working on us together as a whole... To my future I can't wait for the day where I can be totally open and honest with you, and we can both be totally transparent...just me & you....

~everyday i'm stronger, I can't get better if it doesn't hurt, heartbreak is a teacher, now I can love a little bit deeper....

~Confused, exhausted, drained, loveless and still lost in translation'~ xoxo Ciao

Straight Talk?!?!

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is-...William Blake

~~if it was only that easy...I wish the veil of truth spoke louder then the multitude of fabrications, and deceit! it everything and everyone would say what they mean and mean what the F*CK they say, it would be a lot easier....

tired of it all, it's mentally drainaing and wearing down my spirits!

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told...

Let's call this game ...Truth Be Told... Ok so I was talking to someone recently and apparently according to them I always have time for other people and there issue's, but never can finalize and fix my own, let alone share "My Feelings" ok... so When did I Become Emotionally Damaged, I didn't; have a screwed up childhood, My Family loves Me, I wasn't abused, I don't have daddy issue's, ( well I do just not the pg 13 kind) lol and I never did smutty things growing up to get attention, lol ok, ok , ok don't laugh, let's move on, co signing Suzie! so Again! I ask myself "When did I become Emotionally Damaged and incapable of expressing my true Feelings?!"

So Hence this posting....this game is called Truth Be Told,unedited, unfiltered. no holding back truths, or Factoids about Me and all that is ME< a few of you may or may not know! If you like the game please Cont with your own Version, and remember be totally blunt and honest as possible! *Disclaimer* Don't have one..lol

My 20 top Truths.... plus 1 bonus lol *p.s. translation at bottom*

1) I have a huge Social Phobia especially when it comes to a large gathering of Breeder's*,the gayest of the gay's and or Children...Their way too Unpredictable, Attention craving and Emotionally unstable. I'm usually a nervous wreck amongst any type of crowd, but rarely will you see it! the doctors showed me how to cope!

2) Yes I love my GLBT* familia, however I really can't stand overly GAY people...I can't do Cunt* or too many lesbian ( n yes men can be lesbian too). there over the top and tend to bring way too much unnecessary drama and problems.. Ugh Man the *FCUK* UP missy

3) An Intelligent, well verbose, sexy, emotionally in touch, want to portray a heart, show's he care and has concern, can give you Masculinity but can serve face & attitude every now and again full bodied, secure dominant alpha male is the f*cking sexiest! And if they have what I call adequate "share holding's" and can use there hanging low investment wisely in the hip area babyyy! See, they are the type that usually tends to get me in trouble and caught up every time! ughhh ok I promise not to start flooding! *and note to self from the past make sure their not married, with kids or a kid on the way, and a job!* but it's been 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 day's

4) I'm currently sexually deprived, and crave sex, yet I want to see how far I can make it, Sex doesn't run my life, so i'm ok without it, and I refuse to go back down that dark path of random hook up's and countless hook up's. Def not for me, I now know my self worth, and know truly I deserve and want more for myself! I love myself, But...and yes there is a but...if sex or sexual things happen, who am I to stop it or say no lol! .

5) As much as I want to stay upset and linger on to the past, I miss what I use to have with my ex. I miss the comfort, I miss loving and being loved, I miss being held and holding him, I miss and use to look forward to his kisses and warm embraces, the many of night we just laid there talking and it didn't even have to be about sex, it was deeper then that. it was another connection we had, or many surprise "just because" dates and present or random outing's... But he screwed thing's up, you don't have the right to see how I am doing, you don't have the right to call me, you don't have the right to ask me how my day went babe, you last that, you lost us, you turned the one true person who loved you flaws and all away, not me but you! I don't hate him, I don't dislike him, I'm just broken, emotionally scared, and wish it didn't have to be. I will forgive him, but Not today! I'm all cried out, thank goodness for retail therapy and great friendship's, I could stop possibly seeing my shrink soon, why pay to talk when I have them,lol!

6) I like having Relations at the work place, or in public places where I can almost get caught, especially with my Superiors.. or co worker, or hey even my boyfriend (whenever I get one),,,,something about power or being sexual in public/ private = sexy to Me....

7) I had a revelation and think I'm learning how to un-love one of my best friends, however the downside is I'm nervous yet intrigued where or on who the emotions are shifting to!! Just like a spoiled brat, I always want the one's I can't have! but....messy...messy...and more messy......

8) I think I may have slight commitment issue's! Ok don't get me wrong i'm not a sleaze bag, or a cheater, I refuse to be a cheater, why even bother right, I think I might be a touch of an emotional cheater! I have trust issue's!

9)I really do deeply care something serious for one of my Friends...If only I knew what the hell they were thinking and what they wanted...UGH

10) I spend mass amounts of money on mostly sh*t I don't need but really do want...But I have learned how to...OMG Word Vomit...BUDGET and be sensible with my money...

11) Usually when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard, usually it takes a while but when I'm there, it's like OMG...ok real talk.. I might get even like a little OCD'ish at times lol! Don't say not 1 word lol! who hasn't driven by the current or ex house once or twice just to make sure lol!

12) Ok well since I'm putting all the cars on the table, back in my hay day, when I use to have my "Hoe'ish type of moments" yeah... I use to say it was because of the Alcohol, but yeah a few of those times the Alcohol was just my cover up, lol! Hey.. don't judge I know a few of you and your old stories. let's not get to start pointing fingers lol!

13) I over analyze everything...even something that appears so miniscule to others, I will take my time thinking about every other possibility! the good, the bad, and the not so fort.

14) I Absolutely HATE, and yes I know Hate is such a strong word but HATE: Orange People. And dark skinned ppl with unnatural blonde hair...OMG u look ridiculous and need a *GBF and or a mirror! p.s. and Men who wear thong sandals with socks.. Oh the Tragedy...and fanny packs, r u serious. and mini skirts with Ugh boots..damn r u hot or cold. IDK. something about that look screams future pole dancer... ugh why did I just vision miley Cyrus !

15) I have trust issue's and will be the first one to say I do! I'm too nice, and I had way too many not so nice ppl do way to many not so good things to me! So I have to stay guarded or come off a little bitchy or crass, but it's just my defense mechanism!

16) I'm usually the nicest guy you will ever get to know, unless you cross me the wrong way, use me, backstab me, or you give me a valid reason not to like you, then i'm your worst nightmare, and I go for broke!

I can give you a Verbal tongue lashing or a Written Notice in zero to 3.5 seconds like it's no one's business....Don't make me Read u, I get serious pleasure in make grown ppl cry, no joke!

17) I recently realized in the previous 2-3 relationships, it was so nice and perfect, I always thought it was too perfect! So I looked for thing's at times on purpose to be like "Hah there See I told you...or everyone's favorite line.." I knew it.."
18) I have an alter-ego which some of you unfortunately will never know or get to meet! Let's just say Alcohol usually play's a factor, and get's him in certain situations..lol nothings bad, just my alter he's a little extra friendly and stuff! he's the free spirited, fun loving, peace on earth extra friendly social drinker, who likes to stir the pot, and cause a little trouble. it's good being bad, even if your apart of it or not, it's fun! OMG lol Great times! Patron and 151 was flowing heavy that night, ahh memories:)....let's create new one's

19) I think the old crazy, insane, extremist with food issue's me is coming back into play. my co-workers pointed that out today! yes I eat less, yes I restrict myself, yes I went back to weighing thing's, yes I read labels, yes I try to see how long I have to go without food food! but I have to, the amount of pressure I put on myself to lose more weight, the pressure from this u have to be thin society, and it could be worst, I can always go back to being a secret binge eater and then vomiting up right after, but I refuse. that was messy, and costly to fix, and damaging mentally and physically! I don't want to harm myself!

20) I'm so prim and proper and so pg-13 in public, yet only if half of the ppl knew i'm so rated xx. but these day's who isn't! so I like it sensual at first, then speed it up and then for them to beat it down while out fuck session intensifies! so what I like dirty talk, and what's wrong with a little nibbling and biting and choking! who doesn't mind love wounds or scratches on naked flesh, ok so I don't really like the bed, and ok with carpet burns, cold floors, the staircase, or outside half way in the car late at night in the park by the track on the same side by the tennis court or in the bathroom in sear's in Woodbridge mall on the 3rd floor by lines, b/c there all handicap accessible and big as hell yesss, so what I'm always prepared with my to bags in my car equipped with condoms of all sorts, lubes, dice, handcuffs, underwear, a toothbrush, oils, a rag and things of such nature....shhhh what i'm a club scout, remember always be prepared is the motto! lol
21) I like animals better then some people, don't get me wrong i'm not insensitive but with animals you have a co-dependant relationship and they don't tend to hurt you the way humans do. So let's see a choice between a room full of puppies and kitties or a horse, or saving a small village in Cambodia or Africa, sorry Maddox you and your clan are on your own.....what are you mad I said it or are you upset I said the option u wanted to pick but was too damn guilty to chose!

~The Breeder's Translation Dictionary~

1)Breeder-Self Explanatory Heterosexual

2)GLBT- gay, lesbian, bi sexual, & trans gendered!

3) Cunt- Overtly gay- beyond flaming! u know two snaps, eye roll, serious switching, girl this.....kind of person. usually Male...and I can name 3 right about now...but you might be one of them lol!
4)GBF- Gay Best Friend

~i hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing & sharing...~~

Live*Laugh*Learn*Love*Grow~~~till next time luvies ~~~ still lost in translation...yes enjoying the journey!

Soldier of love- Sade

The lyrics speak volumes, and the way I feel, i always cherished Sade, she speaks to and from my heart! ~ !

Is it Real...

Long empty somber, cry filled restless nights, turn into long busy fly by days make the pain subdue as I trek on with my impenetrable happy face, everyone has grown to love and value. But it is real?! the painstaking agony of loneliness, and emptiness emotionally and physically plagues my body and soul with negativity. It puts me in a catatonic stance. It detaches me from this realm I try to make my reality, verses what I've become accustomed to and accepted. if I get disillusioned any further, how can I tell which one is which. fantasy or realty... is it real?


My own inner daemons forcibly trying to bellow out, trying to run rampant yet i try to keep them all contained. Leaving me here, socially drawn, emotionally inept, mentally and physically exhausted. I sit and wonder in my fortress of solitude how much longer can I keep this charade up! Restless night crying myself to sleep have become so routine, taking pill after pill, shot after shot, sitting here in the dim filled room, waiting for that beacon of light. in the future someone holds the key to unlock me and set me free from this dim dark dismal room filled with painted on stoic unrealistic faces, all ready for my next command, yet not really knowing, all while asking myself ...is it real?

Running from the truth, yet finally engulfed in all it's rage, anger, remorse, sadness and revenge, awaiting to see where will it take me next. Asking myself why and how, and when will it end, yet never missing a beat as I stand there with my go to warrior face ready to tackle on yet another new day, appearing happy and carefree. Will they ever truly know the many stages which I embody? Will anyone ever really be there for my characters? As the man in the long white coat and cold instruments stare me in the face, reciting the verdict, as I look down upon my sins laying at my feet crawling up to put the truth I dare to scream out in a crippling stronghold,,, 1 word I dare not get out...yet the thought's are there? Can i speak? Can i tell you? What can I say? Still there laying listlessly wonder what's next to come, and I try to speak...but can't ...Is it real?

What's done is done, the impurities of yesterday carried on the stepping stones and building blocks of tomorrow, laying dormant until it's next cycle rear's it ugly head and leave it's marks upon my used angry body. trying to keep it at bay seams so easy, yet so hard to do, never been through this before or anything like it. Is this punishment ? is this a cruel joke and everyone's in on it but me? Is this a harsh nightmare i can see and feel yet can not speak nor wake up from? Again... is this real?


The days are treading by slowly and the cure is staggering around the corner even further. A scorned, sinned body exposed to humility, drenched by the claws of the shameless and hung out to dry by the shackles of realization and deceit, those two cowardly, unspoken bastards. Never was I forewarned or led to believe anything differently. You could have said something even if you thought there was a possibility, now the mere sight of it all sickens me to my very core. Your lies were like daggers forcibly being gushed into my heart, invading my mind like poisonous elixir, yet i craved more and wanted more. your love was never ending, and had me drifting afloat, high of your love, and entangled with happiness and pure pleasure. hindsight is always better then foresight and now i see it was all an illusion! did you get what you wanted? Where the random whores and absence of the mind worth all you gave up and traded me in for, was it everything you thought it was going to be, at least you got your temporary fix! Left bitter, angry, scorned, bruised, and battered, and hell bent on revenge. Do i forgive, hell no to make it easier for who, clearly not me! Yet again, it leaves me wondering sis all this bullshit...Is it real?

Left alone to scurry and blend in the room alone....with nowhere to go, and noone to share with. How can I feel so alone and so afraid, with so many faces around staring back . How can I have everyone yet still have no one! Do you really get it, do you really get me? Do you really know me? do you even want to try? As daylight breaks, and I go through my usual routine, swallowing my issue's, putting aside my anger, hurt and pain, try to listen to and care for another. yet when will i get to deal, when will it be my turn to hurt, who's going to be there to help and listen to me, and fix me?

Excuse me, mister in the long white coat and cold instruments, how long will this take and can you help? because I really need to find out if this is real?

Today's modern gay male ...misrepresented!

Hey luvies sorry and excuse me for the hiatus, been a little preoccupied assistign others and trying to deal with my own crap but something that has really been bothering me for quite some time now has forced me out of my pre emptied retirement! One thing sum's it up, Today's alleged Gay Modern Man.... and boy what a sore sight it is!

Remember i don't sensor myself or talk with a curbed tongue, the following rants, raves, opinions, and strong comments your are about to read are stated because i can and wat to, take them in, process it in, and possibly get pissed or humored , these pots happens when I get my inner Carrie Bradshaw on, and start typing away while having another outer body experience!feel free to write back with your rhetoric, I welcome it, or if you think I may have left something out!


After researching, looking, witnessing, and reading about the state of mind and presence that my fellow GBLT community came from, versus where we are now, you would think one would be happy with the direction our face has taken! We as a whole went from being swept under the rugged, and shunned about, to being everywhere from TV, to radio, to print, to main stream media, to everyday bothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers, to being a hot commodity towards the single or married heterosexual woman( B/C you know they all want a GBF= gay best friend!) simply put it, you cant turn around anywhere and not see any one who belongs to the GBLT community, and if you don't, that because you don't want to admit it, or see one!

Never the less, it appears that being Gay or Bi or a Lesbian these days is the new black, pink and orange with polka dots, everyone is doing it! Like hey look at me, I'm kewl, I'm gay too, let's go to the vill, show our underwear, kiss random homo thugs, and chill at the waterfront! lol! What is that what being gay is all about.....in a nut shell no you little dickless, silly, tired, stage show reject Queens, yes I said, and it needs to be said! Being gays isn't a choice, you can't turn it on or off with a damn light switch, even though most of you poser do it well, lol, being gay is NOT a "chosen lifestyle", you idiot, no matter what those right winged liberals, republicans, idiotic narrow minded Christians, let's not practice tolerance but preach it priest, or asinine psychologist might theorize....OMG I'm going to scream if one more person say...you chose to be gay...no you ass..I chose to deal, love, and embrace my true inner self no matter what negative and or positive obstacles stand in my way of finding ones true inner peace, harmony, happiness, and love!!!!! Stop pretending.......

Now back to my song and dance, the vast majority of today's Modern Day Gay MAN scares me! You have Many kinds, and one of my favorite types are the Professional "hard working" Gay male looking oh soo good and sexy working trying to make it day to day,  being just as savvy and intellectual stimulating if not more then the "others"...my my my where are you in my life papi!  they have their own, take care of their own, maintain their own, and just lookign for someone to share and grow with!
Next...you have the has been Gay, then one's who should know there limits, and are way too old to still be carousing 20 yo guys in the vill, knowing damn well they need to finally settle down with their Mr. Right now, spend quality time home, together, and work on the more important things in life! Less face it, your not getting any younger, and your playa hay day were soo over like 10 years ago papi, when Adidas track suite and fresh white sneakers might have been still cute, dude ur pushing mid to lat 40's que se joda!

then You have the Vast majority of today's modern gays! The one who are like still preteens thinking it's kewl to hang out with this older guy even though he's almost fourty, hanging out late at night, trying to screw or get screwed by sum, good mandigo every way shape or form they can, snapping their fingers, say annoying ass things like...Hey Gurl...Ooh no She didn't.....I'm about to read this Bitch...and my favorite one....Bitch you beta work it......
Ok don;t get me wrong, who am I to blast right, but it's really sad when someone says sex party, or open bar, free bgc trade, a4a, clothing optional, or vogue, the crowd goes crazy, it's always packed, and you have a bunch of tired, confused, acne prone tweens, tearing down the walls to get in! Yet when we especially the gay male community try to have something organized, educated, classy and tasteful, gathering no matter what the topic may be, it's hard to fill the seats and pack the house! You can tell me all the lyrics to those stupid ass hell ghetto county songs, like Aunt Jackie, Snap ya fingers, or the latest 50 verse, but you can't even tell me the year of the Stonewall rebellion, or the nearest Art Museum, OR when the next Aids rally is, or even have a conversation about the latest gay right issues hundreds of thousandths of people are fighting for in our state assembly, and congress! It sickens me, the state, the vast majority of today's Modern Gay men are heading! Being dumb, uninformed, misguided, and misrepresented, is not a cute thing, as you would say Miss Thang.....! What happened when the person next to you, finally awakens, and realize, besides the sex, your emotionally damaged, socially inept, and just plain old stupid to actually have something meaningful and progressive for a stable future! And you wonder why you been with them for a while, and still has yet to be taken back to his house, met any of his closet friends and our relatives, and in some cases even claims you as their special sum one, and might i add out and about in public!

On the contrary, within my fellow community I do applaud one of a sub category within the family, LESBIANS, and I say may I tip off my Rosie and Ellen loved filled hat to you all! Have your ever realized how lesbians, find someone with in a week or 2, move in about 2-3 months later, adopt a pet, and have matching friends within about the first 5 months of meeting, lol@ sounds funny but soo true, and why because they know what the hell they want, and when they find it, they just know! I don't know, maybe because they have already the slight advantage because they are in fact two women, who actually emote and expresses their feelings, likes to be mentally stimulated, can have a conversation about a widespread of topics, and can actually stay MONOGAMOUS! Lesbians, not for nothing still do have a whole lot of drama, tons of it, it follows them around day in and day out, yet they still have their shift together! I know a lot of them myself, and especially 2 of my bff's have the most uncomplicated, loving,committed, passionate, like out of this world type relationship, which is breath taking, especially for their age, And something liek that is soo common in the lesbian world, but not so rare but ummm not exploited or projected in the lives of gay men! I don't know what all of you Rosie's are doing, but you have to be doing something right lol! Damn can a brother know your secret lol!

All I'm saying is, yes I know my English professor would have a ball with dissecting this, but Gay wanna be's, gay men, proud tinker bells of American, more importantly in the NY, LA, CA, FL and dirty part of ATL, can you please, and I do stress the world please, challenge your today's alleged gay men! The next time you see a tween prostitot, showing their H&M undies, walking aimlessly, say Chil please, And No that Bitch Didn't, and Girl I'm about to Read 'em, please grab him, enculturate him. inform him, make him aware of his past and present roads which lies ahead, invite him to the MET, or the local B&N , or down to a peaceful protest in front of your assemblies building or in the park, have him eat something besides pizza, and classic American food, talk about important key issues which can and will effect our future social well being, especially politics! Let the Alleged today's Modern Gay know, there more to Gay life, then Barney's, or H&M, and Rodeo Drive, or Hollywood BLVD, or Peachtree, or The Waterfront in the VIll, or the back alleys in ATL, or walking around sagging with your ugly ass undies showing, looking for the next quick fix in the form of a one night stand, or a BC, or those HOMO Thugs on the DL with a wife and 2 kids back home waiting on him!
We need to revitalize the conception of what the alleged modern Gay men looks like, or is projected towards the hetero's, lol! Let them know we are informed, we do vote, we do care about our future and planet collectively, let them know we follow politics dealing with government issues, foreign policies, healthcare, securing our ports, establishing other places besides Iran and Iraq as potential US Threats, and we can read, and we can have stimulating conversations before we have mind blowing sex, lol, let them know we can dress, look safisticated, and can be heads of company's, and own things, and don't call every other man chil, or gurl! Let them know we can form monogamous relationships, and have stable families, and all while still showing humanity towards each other and let them know Gay have many faces!

Ohh and FYI, I'm not knocking any one for the they feel they express their gayness, we all do it differently, just remember what you do defines who you are, not what or who you say you are! Everyone's watching, they judge US as a Whole, so remember my fellow GBLT what you do and what you say reflects and effects me, you, your friends, and our future! I know there still are tons of respectable, hard working, reputable, sophisticated, intellectually mind blowing men and women in the GBLT community, but I just had to ahhh Read the others lol! CIAO

*Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, thank you 4 expressing who you truly are*

~~ Live,Love,Laugh,Learn & Grow~~~ still lost in translation

Is the Poison my CURE?!?!

I refuse, but sitting in the good ol'e couch just thinking about *#&% and even #%^@ I just had another realization I was trying to avoid and not even entertain...however...I think it may have arrived....ugh....

"Your bad for me, I clearly get it...it's a breaking situation I'm in but I can't control it, your just like poison, slowing moving through my system breaking all my defenses with time. your just like poison, and I just don't get it....im not sure what to do, its a catch 22,cause the cure is found in u, I don't want it but I do, your just like poison my affliction I'm addicted I cant lie......

what's the prognosis, how many doses am I in need of now, will u be around... it's not just my body it's my mind, you don't know how many times I told myself I can't do and i don't need to.".....B

Not in sync body parts....

Dear Heart..


I met a boy today..
Prepare to shatter in 5....4....3....2...

Heart, if he looks kind of familiar it's because you've seen him before..
Remember the feeling he use to give us send trembles throughout our body just by his presence or spoken word..
Remember the way his kind words made us feel oh so special


Remember the warmth of his gentle hand, they way we kissed the way we made love, over, and over, and over again, not to mention the time we just use to straight up f*ck...
Yes... heart I bet you remember, well today we repaid him a visit after work.

Heart, you were there, why did you let that happen..
it was suppose to be strictly just to talk, you couldn't help yourself could you, you just had to let down your defense and open up.. bloody heart..... you need to stop taking control of thing's all the damn time..
Excuse me heart, i thought we were on the same team here, but I think you might be more in line with him....the Ex...
UGH... and dick, me and u were not even on the same page, i'm going to have a word with you later... clearly you did all the thinking for us, me and heart had no chance.... but i think we both thank you secretly
That's it heart I think me and you might have to part way again soon, before you take me down that path again, but i might have to start listening to Mr. Dick more often lol !

the Open Letter...to Grandpa

Hey guys, I wanted to share a another layer of myself to you all, below is what I scratched out of my head the day before my grandfather’s funeral!
The open letter:


Grandpa,

You always told us to dream big and dream far, never allow anyone to determine the outcome for you, and always be accountable for your actions. Words of guidance, all learned from life lessons.

Grand dad you remember all the countless stories you bestowed upon us as we sat upon your lap, and dining room table. You shared your stories just as vivid as the day just passed us by, without missing a beat.

Pop pop, you smell that, you can still catch a hint of Mr. clean, pine, baked goods and fresh laundry filling the Saturday morning air, as we all pitch in while listening to your records bellowing throughout the house, cleaning vigorously and singing along. All why trying to figure out what kind of cake grandma is baking downstairs, saying “I hope it’s not chocolate!”

Thank you for the ever so popular question you always asked “but why?”, and for challenging us, making us think and never allowing us to settle on the reason “just because” Always there to lend a helping hand, no matter how big or small the situation may be, just because you could.


You shared so much, you cared for so many, you helped vigorously, and your love was bountiful and everlasting. Always to be remembered, never to be forgotten, bestowed upon our hearts forever, and always on our mind, heart & spirit. Torn away from us so soon, however deeply embedded forever, holding you firmly, both of us smiling from ear to ear, never will we say goodbye, but more like a see you later grand pa, see you later!


With love Grandson

01/02/2010 a piece of my heart was taken,my Grandfather passed

Today is the day my heart it no longer whole, it's missing a piece, separated without warning and snatched from this vessel of a body I inhabit, today was the day it finally sank it, my grandfather passed away last night. it's almost feels as this is not real, and i am in this horrible nightmare and can't manage to wake up. as I was telling fuzzy last night, I only had to cope with 2 other ppl close to me passing, so death and learning how to cope with it is so foreign to me, I'm not use to this, let alone for someone I care so deeply for. I just recently spoke to him, he and my grandmother even just sent me a birthday card for my b-day on 12/30, it's like I'm being the butt of a cruel joke, where i am waiting for asthon to jump out and say ur being punked! I can't I cant grasp what happened. I know at least he passed happy, and the first and last person who he saw before leaving was his dearly beloved, my grandmother. apparently he phoned home last night to my grandmother to say he was on his way home from the deacon's meeting at the church and he was not feeling well, he left the car light on and came inside the house. my grandmother placed him on the couch, after they had conversation he said I left the light on coming home, can you turn it off for me. as she made her way to the car and back, in just the quick amount of time she came back, and there he was slouched over on the couch, laying there peacefully. he devoted his life to the church, and it's only fitting after spreading the word he saw his wife on last time before "going home" my grandparents are everything to me, I was there first grandchild, and we had a bound that was unparallel to no other, it's deeply rooted, and flourish with love, care and support. everything I did, no matter how big or how small, they were always there, and I too returned the favor! this is hard for me, I have been up all night and day crying, I can't cry anymore, I weep and weep but nothing come's out, just a loud bellowing sound, which I try to keep to myself yet everyone knows. it's weird because my aunt just recently said " good forbid is anything ever happens to mom and pop, I know your going to take it the hardest." and long and behold, how true it is, I mean I commend my mother and the rest of his children, there trying to stay brave and put on a face, yet I can still see the hurt and pain behind there warrior like stone face, it's a veil as they try to hide their true emotions. myself on the other hand, I'm too tired and emotional to wear a mask, even my grandmother told me not to cry, she said he is fine and he would not want us to cry. but that one wish I can not obey, I have to, I need to get it all out, I need to get this anger, and frustration, and sadness, and bitter remorse all out, as I ask the same old aged question why god, why him and why now?!  as i sit here listening to one of his favorite song's -climb the rough side of the mountain~

As I cry here, trying to finish I can't,..... I leave for Georgia in the morning, ...10,000 apologies but I can't finish this......the End.....

Men, Lies, love & Fu^king ... oh myyy..

Ok guys and dolls, it's that time again, I hope ur ready.... b/c baby I have some sh*t to say, I tell this to ppl all the time don't let the Prada and me being primp and proper fools you, b/c baby I can def get down with the best of them, as I flip my hair, brush my arched brow, and walk away giving you just that much extra to stare at! yessssss and don't forget it bam boo!!!!


SO I def do owe u guys like 3 updates, this on will focus on a few different topics and kind of vary seeing how it's after 10 am and im just getting home, and the sexing and trios and smutting I've witnessed over the last 72 hours, but that's another blog for today!

So here goes, as I listen to Mike Ant- episode and neyo's apart of the list, bc I try to think and dissect the various conversation I've had with a few different people over the last week or so, and it seams everyone is having an issue with this silly little "thing called love"... like Noah said love is a 4 letter word just like free, and when ur totally free to be in love, and love freely it's the best thing ever, blah blah blah,!!! you know what I say, screw that bully, when u see love, tell that 2 cent trollup I have been looking for her, and she has not done me right lately and when I find her, baby she better take off the door knockers, throw on the Vaseline and it's going to be me & her, b.c I'm coming for that ass, I'm def going to give her a piece of my mind.

last time I seen love, involved me, ice cream, my good old bed, and a few endless hours watching lifetime playing the "victim role" wondering why and how come! ugh...flashback that wasn't pretty at all!

but... I'm thinking love as humans gay, straight, confused and everything in between, were always looking and searching for this perfect, everlasting, endless, unconditional, fairy tale type of the perfect embodiment of this emotion and everything which it entails, is it ever really there though? how can something so perfect, and bountiful and magical be set up so flawed, yet were looking for it throughout our entire lives?

it's like a cruel joke.


I'm trying to think if you had to chose would you rather 1) invest in love endlessly and unconditional with that special one without knowing the reciprocating factor or 2) would you rather be loved unconditionally and never having to know the true meaning to love as to give. I honestly don't think you can have one without the other, but honey these day's it seams like it slim pickings, and or you have to alter your perception and your needs and requirement just to try help the other person fit your 'criteria"... question, why the f%^k do I have to alter what I want to help your ass be with me, I beg your pardon mister, I refuse.. I mean for a friendly fuck or one night stand that's one thing, but for something else I refuse to lower my expectations.

I've seen 3 people in the last month and a half fall in love, get caught up, and now with every being try to stay sane while learning how to unlove the person who they love but can't never receive their guy's true feelings or emotions...well no actually 4 but 3 of them all revolved around their relationship with the same guy... they reached their "I don't give a fu$k" level

Side bar, if only these silly little boys and boy/ girls would start meaning what the F%^K they say and say what the FU^K they mean, and ... wait here's the big one actually practice being in a MONOGAMOUS  relationship, then maybe we can work. But I know how these tricks and trollups like to think with their little head rather then their big head, ughhh (insert primal scream) Being in a relationship is hard enough, but when I have to watch myself, my man, and these nasty 2 cent whore's going after him and my good penga he's giving me Houston we have a problem and, now it's getting a little tiresome.... and it's not that I would trust him, but honey I'm a man, don't let the Prada full you, I know how men think and act, and it's not him I don't trust, it's a combination of the substances flowing, his little man who's standing at attention 24 / 7 saying play now think later and this thirsty trick next to him I have to look out for, b/c baby at the end of the day a man, is going to be a man, one way or another his little man will always win, let's just hope you can services him and assist b4 the next tramp step up to the plate knee's first and all... And these new breed of thunder cunt's have no shame....there quick shameless, and ruthless!


Anyways back to my song & dance..... love has not been here lately, and I knew her truly, I mean yes I was in love with mike, and yes he was a closeted gay man, and yes he was engaged, and yes he lied to me at first, but baby the way he f^Cked me, he saw me for me, he understood me, held me, and listened to me, and the way we spent time together out of the bed and not just fucking, I was truly in total awe of him. He wanted more from me, and I was just not prepared to give it to him, I was young, dumb and full of ..c#m but you know how the old saying goes " you never know what you have until it's gone" and the way I realized he was something good for me, it was too late.. sometimes people have to learn the hard way, and baby I busted my ass, but I learned a valuable lesson, a good old life lesson. And I blame my damn ass for messing that up, but come one he was engaged, and no matter how shady u thunder cunts say I can be, the whole engaged thing was bothering me, it was irking my soul.....and the fact she almost caught us twice, I knew I had to do something when my ass was butt ass naked hiding in his walk in closet in the spare bedroom, while his fiancé was storming through the house looking for the thirsty bitch sleeping with her man, if she only knew I was in the next room in that good ol'e closet....OMG that would have not been too cute...

Side bar, speaking of fu^king, is it bad that since my last lunch time fuck I had on my lunch break with the last jump off almost 2 weeks ago, I kind of want to have hot , wild, a little forceful, passionate, mind blowing, toe curling sex with these three guys! I mean one is John, who I met through twin, omg have you seen his body I've only seen it with clothes on, and baby I want to see more, he reminds me of the type of dude you want to meet in back alley around 4 am, drunk, while you pretend you don't want it while he is ready and about to serve you up the best sex ever, and he looks like he will eat a clean bugina for days honey, I would just let him use me every way but the right way and then some.... lol, and the other names....ummm I can't say that just yet..... that would be too scandalous... granted specially one might be a certain someone's ex who they both were head over heals in love with, and now dot dot dot to be continued and the other one is umm ..quite unexpected yet im more intrigued every time...., but baby I think I would let them both use me....and or at the same time, I mean it is what it is honey...... don't judge and don't look at me like that, like you haven't done a few scandalous things in your past, umm hmm and who's dick did you just have in you last night, lol (insert side eye) exactly judge Judy lol, I'm just saying what your thinking...
And while I'm jumping around from place to place, b/c clearly the red bull is kicking in, I don't understand the plight of the closeted homosexual who is so far in, there barely visible. after talking to my sister, Mykel the past few weeks, I see what he is going through. "I mean damn, the boy is going through it, and he is letting Xavier wear him down, mentally that is, and I think my little sister is reaching her breaking point too... People need to realize sometimes the thing's their searching for and can claim they want, is right in front of their face, yet their to busy looking elsewhere to know it! but you know what babe, I don't feel for you, b/c you already know sooner then later your going to be taken by someone who will appreciate you and accept what you're willing to offer, and maybe that's when it will hit him! Ugh boys, boys, boys can't live with them, can't live without them, damn it!

i left out a few thing but i promise you have at least 2 more blogs by the end of this weekend, including my top 10 rules men need to follow! lol

Signing off...still lost in translation XOXO Ciao

Work, trade, lies, faires, and the bully bull... oh my

ok sorry for the delay but this week has been busy as ever  busier then usual, i swear! it's the end of 4th quarter and everyine wants everythign liek ASAP, gosh and working with a lot of these banks are strenious as hell, but bbay the pay off is worth it...

anyways.. so last fast forward.. i left work wednesday on luch just to get a pice of the penga... and baby it was well worth it...,damn it and who says hookup's don;t work, honey  i had a 2 week itch, and baby did i ever scratch it lol! ugh 2 long as weeks, im's tryign to quite cold turkey and stop messing around with the ex, u knwo the key damn word should be "EX" but it's hard... lol in more ways then one to just stop and go cold turkey... and he was good at what he does, and we were good together..well in the sex department...

Also, this week i came to the point where i know for a fact i want to have sex with a friends friend, but refuse to act on my lustfull thought's... i mean damn and it's not the first time i thought about it but recently it's been a constant thought, but i refuse to be that person, that horrible friend.... again lol! i mean the first time was so not planned, nor thought of but as u may or may not know me yet when my favorite guys jose, captain, and or wheatever's in my cup meet up, baby thing's happen. im human too sh*t, it was an accident, yes both times it happended lol shhhh... don't judge me and don;t give me that look mister lol !  but seriously, i don;t know if it's the weather or what, i really have been checking out this guy for the last few week's, ugh i will get over it, i have to, i have no other choice.  i mean i will not let y lustful loin ruina perfectly good freidnship...that's what other trade is for.... even though i was tryign to figure out the dynamics and complexity of their relationship to see where they stand, but i've given up all together....

i think i need to get over"CDJKG" and move on and find a current boyfriend. you know someone who is stable, sane, preferebly a non smoker, a free thinker, can support himself, mature, not married (leraned my lesson) and just someone who can be themselves and are ok with that... i can't try anymore closet freaks or self proclaimed "bi sexual" guys... ok i've been there but aftyer a whiole and ur only have sex with guys and not femals too, ur no longer bi-sexual, damn it ur mind is made up and ur offically gay, get use to it, and it's ok....

ohh also, can i tell you how the hell CJ fu*ked country last night upstairs in the spare room, at omar's house after the party. and baby the way it happened was too funny. as i was textign x while i was "pretend sleeping" b/c baby u know when u have gays around someone will be fucking asnd i could not dare miss it, even though i would have preferred being the one to score.. ok back to the story they were in the kitchen with all the lights were off b/c u knwo i turned them off, so i hear kissing.. so im like really right next to me, while im "sleeping"... then u seen darnell..oops country  motion towards upstairs and CJ little  lost need to score ass follows.. but wait the ultimate question is 1) i though country had a man... and 2) wasn't CJ just professing his semi love feelings for his new trade he works with to my bff.. see i can't. these two trollups need to get it together.. and neither one was drunk..shit i had more drinks then both of them... i hope it was worth it, and knowing him he won;t brign it up to me, that just a part of out relationship and doubt he tell's my bff, but no worries I will tell her for him...  some other thing's with a few other might have occured but umm... let's just keep that quiet...damn i love being sober and watching and hearing the festivities go down lol!  Counrty i thought Thristian moved fast, but honey.... enough said.. i don't judge... ( not aloud anyways) lol

As i quote Miss Amerie..'too many years i sit hear putitng up with u, now baby i feel like i heard so many of ur lies i don't know what's true, so i got to move on, you've been running that game for too long, think about all the time i wasted, my head is clear, im still surving cause ur not hear, but im not crying, i finally got my swag back, that broken heart don't suite me anymore, b/c i finally got my swag back"~ yesss Amerie... Swag back # 8 on her new CD lol  get into it

Back to the story sorry i had to feel it for a spell..

Also... as Myself and another source talk, i need to find out what happened or ever happened between CJ and *teven.. umm something smell's a little fishy... that whole situation and i'm not the only one who picked up on it.. umm hmmm b.c u know i'm there already trying to find the solution to A, B and C lol b4 u even finish reading the question...

Also, random thought to be a bottom, why have i been looking and staring at pplz asses lately, like serious  what is going on guys... i''m going to need this little infatuation to stop ASAP lol!...

so one of my friends might be pregger's,,,,,ahhh i can;t...really....

i think i need to take a min and pause, before i continue honey... i didn;t even touch a few other topic, but i will save that for another time luvies~~ lost in the utter mass known as other ppls bullshit CIAO xoxo

The open letter...

To: Me...


By: ME...

For ME....

It appears you're traveling down the same road you have been for quite some time now, and this time your just meeting new bystanders, wall fillers, and more voided space the further you go! until you know exactly what it its ur looking and searching for then your path is going to be filled with insignificant, meaningless, worthless relationship's of all sorts! one can only guess the more ppl you "meet" the better the outcome amongst your travels this might have, however to the contrary in reality it seams the more ppl you meet the emptier ur going to feel within through these pointless endeavors. it's going to continue to eat a part of u, until u find and reach ur destination. lets just hope u make it there sooner then later! it truly mystifies me how we live in a world with over 1 billion plus people yet the human sole can yearn for just that special one and or that one special thing!


P.S if anyone can crack this disillusion know as love, please share the final resolution with the rest of us....

signing off...xoxo still... lost in translation

In love & War....

Sometimes you ever want to just freeze time, and try dissecting exactly the bull shit as its happening! (gay gasp… I’m going in) I mean it all started out so clear, there was a plan, and you know me I had a plan A, B and c, and when all else fails I still knew the outcome, we all knew. Well what happens when some outside force beyond your control have their own plan? Ahhhhh damn, I guess I wasn’t ready for it! I’m still trying to figure out what’s worst letting the situation being touted and carried on to hide it from me to spare me, or not to be told at all of the truth and find out from other people. Newsflash, a lie is a lie, no matter how you try to sugar coat the bully bully bullshit. A lie by omission which can alter the outcome is still a lie boo boo!





I know, I know, I know what your thinking, and now this is not another random crazy stalker type scenario, because we know how I do, but sometimes its more then what’s defined by binding words or a title, its more based upon devoted actions, emotions, and just the unspoken connection the two of us share without making a peep. Dare I go on!!… You ever hear the saying, silence is golden, (insert Monique voice) well baaaaaaby then I must be one rich bitch by now! I miss us, I miss what us entails, what we shared, the small trips or things we did and just the essence of “Us” , I usually don’t mind sharing but now it’s clouded, and convoluted with other people, titles, and labeling, and all this utter bullshit. Like Latoya said, “ I let you out to play, but now it’s time to come back home..“






You ask how can I miss something that’s always there, easy your so close yet so far away. A piece of you was stolen, well shit actually you chose to give it away, rather you didn’t mean to get caught up or not, it‘s no longer hole. It’s broken, and I’m not sure how to fix it, but you broke it.. And what’s upsetting and hurtful the most, is you still yet to talk to me about anything ! And when you even blurted out a small snippet I took it with a grain of salt, kept on my friendly face and still gave you good advice., remember chief I was your friend first and will always be there for you . It’s nice how you are able to flash forward and keep on moving without a hitch, or is that just another look from one of your many characters I met and still am meeting through the years. Let’s see, we will call this character “new boy confused wasting time with irrelevant trade”… yesss I like that name… it kind of has a ring to it!






Question, as I digress, Is it the word “LOVE and everything it entails as humans what we are truly seeking? or its it more the sense of being loved by another being more fulfilling and satisfying ? Hmmm food for thought, if love is suppose to be a selfless act, then why n the bloody hell is it based on a reciprocating factor, you can’t have one without the other! To love brings fourth the state to be loved, to be loved issues a hidden message to love…… Damn ingenious set up I tell you! Flawless design my ass, lol






But as I continue to get me inner Carrie Bradshaw on, don’t be coy with me, mister your sweet words of nothingness, or piercing stare into my half filled vessel can’t help you this time. Your words always tell a different story then your actions. Unlike Lez girls they can never beat in unisex, your mind and emotional well being is always in constant competition with your mouth and the bullshit which comes spewing out, always going to the beat of your own damn foolish drum. Well honey, I’m going to need you to get it together… but more importantly I will help you! Just as soon as I know what the hell I’m doing. Ugh



If people including myself could just make up there damn minds, and say how they feel, say what they mean and mean what the fuck they say… then honey this would be a lot easier..


Humans are the only species to purpose the question why? See this is why were so fucked up now, we always want to


know why shit happens… bityatch they just do ok.. lol,,,,,,,




This game is fun and all…but I cant wait for the day where you be you and I can play me… that’s simply the way is should be…. (Insert mental scream… and release) well we ever get to pass go and collect $200.…damn






We all know what’s going to happen in the end, just like the last 4 short stories of our life, you go out and play, get bored, start comparing, and leave them in there own sea of self loathing resentment they feel for you after you just leave them without any explanation! I mean im having a good time frolicking around with the ex and the local cuisine, but I shouldn’t have to! I’m not looking for temporary fixes!

 Damn… why are relationships so difficult these days, and honey gay relationship ugh even worst.. What ever happened to nothing being complicated, and everyone was ok without defining their “relationship” or putting it on showcase for others to view, Gosh just shoot me know, I blame hallmark and their sappy ass cards!

Until next time Luvies

XOXO lost in translation