01/02/2010 a piece of my heart was taken,my Grandfather passed

Today is the day my heart it no longer whole, it's missing a piece, separated without warning and snatched from this vessel of a body I inhabit, today was the day it finally sank it, my grandfather passed away last night. it's almost feels as this is not real, and i am in this horrible nightmare and can't manage to wake up. as I was telling fuzzy last night, I only had to cope with 2 other ppl close to me passing, so death and learning how to cope with it is so foreign to me, I'm not use to this, let alone for someone I care so deeply for. I just recently spoke to him, he and my grandmother even just sent me a birthday card for my b-day on 12/30, it's like I'm being the butt of a cruel joke, where i am waiting for asthon to jump out and say ur being punked! I can't I cant grasp what happened. I know at least he passed happy, and the first and last person who he saw before leaving was his dearly beloved, my grandmother. apparently he phoned home last night to my grandmother to say he was on his way home from the deacon's meeting at the church and he was not feeling well, he left the car light on and came inside the house. my grandmother placed him on the couch, after they had conversation he said I left the light on coming home, can you turn it off for me. as she made her way to the car and back, in just the quick amount of time she came back, and there he was slouched over on the couch, laying there peacefully. he devoted his life to the church, and it's only fitting after spreading the word he saw his wife on last time before "going home" my grandparents are everything to me, I was there first grandchild, and we had a bound that was unparallel to no other, it's deeply rooted, and flourish with love, care and support. everything I did, no matter how big or how small, they were always there, and I too returned the favor! this is hard for me, I have been up all night and day crying, I can't cry anymore, I weep and weep but nothing come's out, just a loud bellowing sound, which I try to keep to myself yet everyone knows. it's weird because my aunt just recently said " good forbid is anything ever happens to mom and pop, I know your going to take it the hardest." and long and behold, how true it is, I mean I commend my mother and the rest of his children, there trying to stay brave and put on a face, yet I can still see the hurt and pain behind there warrior like stone face, it's a veil as they try to hide their true emotions. myself on the other hand, I'm too tired and emotional to wear a mask, even my grandmother told me not to cry, she said he is fine and he would not want us to cry. but that one wish I can not obey, I have to, I need to get it all out, I need to get this anger, and frustration, and sadness, and bitter remorse all out, as I ask the same old aged question why god, why him and why now?!  as i sit here listening to one of his favorite song's -climb the rough side of the mountain~

As I cry here, trying to finish I can't,..... I leave for Georgia in the morning, ...10,000 apologies but I can't finish this......the End.....