Work, trade, lies, faires, and the bully bull... oh my

ok sorry for the delay but this week has been busy as ever  busier then usual, i swear! it's the end of 4th quarter and everyine wants everythign liek ASAP, gosh and working with a lot of these banks are strenious as hell, but bbay the pay off is worth it...

anyways.. so last fast forward.. i left work wednesday on luch just to get a pice of the penga... and baby it was well worth it...,damn it and who says hookup's don;t work, honey  i had a 2 week itch, and baby did i ever scratch it lol! ugh 2 long as weeks, im's tryign to quite cold turkey and stop messing around with the ex, u knwo the key damn word should be "EX" but it's hard... lol in more ways then one to just stop and go cold turkey... and he was good at what he does, and we were good together..well in the sex department...

Also, this week i came to the point where i know for a fact i want to have sex with a friends friend, but refuse to act on my lustfull thought's... i mean damn and it's not the first time i thought about it but recently it's been a constant thought, but i refuse to be that person, that horrible friend.... again lol! i mean the first time was so not planned, nor thought of but as u may or may not know me yet when my favorite guys jose, captain, and or wheatever's in my cup meet up, baby thing's happen. im human too sh*t, it was an accident, yes both times it happended lol shhhh... don't judge me and don;t give me that look mister lol !  but seriously, i don;t know if it's the weather or what, i really have been checking out this guy for the last few week's, ugh i will get over it, i have to, i have no other choice.  i mean i will not let y lustful loin ruina perfectly good freidnship...that's what other trade is for.... even though i was tryign to figure out the dynamics and complexity of their relationship to see where they stand, but i've given up all together....

i think i need to get over"CDJKG" and move on and find a current boyfriend. you know someone who is stable, sane, preferebly a non smoker, a free thinker, can support himself, mature, not married (leraned my lesson) and just someone who can be themselves and are ok with that... i can't try anymore closet freaks or self proclaimed "bi sexual" guys... ok i've been there but aftyer a whiole and ur only have sex with guys and not femals too, ur no longer bi-sexual, damn it ur mind is made up and ur offically gay, get use to it, and it's ok....

ohh also, can i tell you how the hell CJ fu*ked country last night upstairs in the spare room, at omar's house after the party. and baby the way it happened was too funny. as i was textign x while i was "pretend sleeping" b/c baby u know when u have gays around someone will be fucking asnd i could not dare miss it, even though i would have preferred being the one to score.. ok back to the story they were in the kitchen with all the lights were off b/c u knwo i turned them off, so i hear kissing.. so im like really right next to me, while im "sleeping"... then u seen darnell..oops country  motion towards upstairs and CJ little  lost need to score ass follows.. but wait the ultimate question is 1) i though country had a man... and 2) wasn't CJ just professing his semi love feelings for his new trade he works with to my bff.. see i can't. these two trollups need to get it together.. and neither one was drunk..shit i had more drinks then both of them... i hope it was worth it, and knowing him he won;t brign it up to me, that just a part of out relationship and doubt he tell's my bff, but no worries I will tell her for him...  some other thing's with a few other might have occured but umm... let's just keep that quiet...damn i love being sober and watching and hearing the festivities go down lol!  Counrty i thought Thristian moved fast, but honey.... enough said.. i don't judge... ( not aloud anyways) lol

As i quote Miss Amerie..'too many years i sit hear putitng up with u, now baby i feel like i heard so many of ur lies i don't know what's true, so i got to move on, you've been running that game for too long, think about all the time i wasted, my head is clear, im still surving cause ur not hear, but im not crying, i finally got my swag back, that broken heart don't suite me anymore, b/c i finally got my swag back"~ yesss Amerie... Swag back # 8 on her new CD lol  get into it

Back to the story sorry i had to feel it for a spell..

Also... as Myself and another source talk, i need to find out what happened or ever happened between CJ and *teven.. umm something smell's a little fishy... that whole situation and i'm not the only one who picked up on it.. umm hmmm b.c u know i'm there already trying to find the solution to A, B and C lol b4 u even finish reading the question...

Also, random thought to be a bottom, why have i been looking and staring at pplz asses lately, like serious  what is going on guys... i''m going to need this little infatuation to stop ASAP lol!...

so one of my friends might be pregger's,,,,,ahhh i can;t...really....

i think i need to take a min and pause, before i continue honey... i didn;t even touch a few other topic, but i will save that for another time luvies~~ lost in the utter mass known as other ppls bullshit CIAO xoxo

The open letter...

To: Me...


By: ME...

For ME....

It appears you're traveling down the same road you have been for quite some time now, and this time your just meeting new bystanders, wall fillers, and more voided space the further you go! until you know exactly what it its ur looking and searching for then your path is going to be filled with insignificant, meaningless, worthless relationship's of all sorts! one can only guess the more ppl you "meet" the better the outcome amongst your travels this might have, however to the contrary in reality it seams the more ppl you meet the emptier ur going to feel within through these pointless endeavors. it's going to continue to eat a part of u, until u find and reach ur destination. lets just hope u make it there sooner then later! it truly mystifies me how we live in a world with over 1 billion plus people yet the human sole can yearn for just that special one and or that one special thing!


P.S if anyone can crack this disillusion know as love, please share the final resolution with the rest of us....

signing off...xoxo still... lost in translation

In love & War....

Sometimes you ever want to just freeze time, and try dissecting exactly the bull shit as its happening! (gay gasp… I’m going in) I mean it all started out so clear, there was a plan, and you know me I had a plan A, B and c, and when all else fails I still knew the outcome, we all knew. Well what happens when some outside force beyond your control have their own plan? Ahhhhh damn, I guess I wasn’t ready for it! I’m still trying to figure out what’s worst letting the situation being touted and carried on to hide it from me to spare me, or not to be told at all of the truth and find out from other people. Newsflash, a lie is a lie, no matter how you try to sugar coat the bully bully bullshit. A lie by omission which can alter the outcome is still a lie boo boo!





I know, I know, I know what your thinking, and now this is not another random crazy stalker type scenario, because we know how I do, but sometimes its more then what’s defined by binding words or a title, its more based upon devoted actions, emotions, and just the unspoken connection the two of us share without making a peep. Dare I go on!!… You ever hear the saying, silence is golden, (insert Monique voice) well baaaaaaby then I must be one rich bitch by now! I miss us, I miss what us entails, what we shared, the small trips or things we did and just the essence of “Us” , I usually don’t mind sharing but now it’s clouded, and convoluted with other people, titles, and labeling, and all this utter bullshit. Like Latoya said, “ I let you out to play, but now it’s time to come back home..“






You ask how can I miss something that’s always there, easy your so close yet so far away. A piece of you was stolen, well shit actually you chose to give it away, rather you didn’t mean to get caught up or not, it‘s no longer hole. It’s broken, and I’m not sure how to fix it, but you broke it.. And what’s upsetting and hurtful the most, is you still yet to talk to me about anything ! And when you even blurted out a small snippet I took it with a grain of salt, kept on my friendly face and still gave you good advice., remember chief I was your friend first and will always be there for you . It’s nice how you are able to flash forward and keep on moving without a hitch, or is that just another look from one of your many characters I met and still am meeting through the years. Let’s see, we will call this character “new boy confused wasting time with irrelevant trade”… yesss I like that name… it kind of has a ring to it!






Question, as I digress, Is it the word “LOVE and everything it entails as humans what we are truly seeking? or its it more the sense of being loved by another being more fulfilling and satisfying ? Hmmm food for thought, if love is suppose to be a selfless act, then why n the bloody hell is it based on a reciprocating factor, you can’t have one without the other! To love brings fourth the state to be loved, to be loved issues a hidden message to love…… Damn ingenious set up I tell you! Flawless design my ass, lol






But as I continue to get me inner Carrie Bradshaw on, don’t be coy with me, mister your sweet words of nothingness, or piercing stare into my half filled vessel can’t help you this time. Your words always tell a different story then your actions. Unlike Lez girls they can never beat in unisex, your mind and emotional well being is always in constant competition with your mouth and the bullshit which comes spewing out, always going to the beat of your own damn foolish drum. Well honey, I’m going to need you to get it together… but more importantly I will help you! Just as soon as I know what the hell I’m doing. Ugh



If people including myself could just make up there damn minds, and say how they feel, say what they mean and mean what the fuck they say… then honey this would be a lot easier..


Humans are the only species to purpose the question why? See this is why were so fucked up now, we always want to


know why shit happens… bityatch they just do ok.. lol,,,,,,,




This game is fun and all…but I cant wait for the day where you be you and I can play me… that’s simply the way is should be…. (Insert mental scream… and release) well we ever get to pass go and collect $200.…damn






We all know what’s going to happen in the end, just like the last 4 short stories of our life, you go out and play, get bored, start comparing, and leave them in there own sea of self loathing resentment they feel for you after you just leave them without any explanation! I mean im having a good time frolicking around with the ex and the local cuisine, but I shouldn’t have to! I’m not looking for temporary fixes!

 Damn… why are relationships so difficult these days, and honey gay relationship ugh even worst.. What ever happened to nothing being complicated, and everyone was ok without defining their “relationship” or putting it on showcase for others to view, Gosh just shoot me know, I blame hallmark and their sappy ass cards!

Until next time Luvies

XOXO lost in translation