Thoughts, dreams, hellish nightmares turned into beautifully crafted realities, clouded by doubt, judgment, and the unknown, all tangled within the truth, validity, and stone cold reality. Yup... this pretty much sums up the 48 plus days of my life! A whirlwind of events, happenings, disasters, blah blah and fucking blah!
I have this melody in my head i just cant scratch out.. i think i will have to write a separate blog for that.. back to my song and dance. these last 2 months have been quite trying, and pushed me mentally. i think it's an acumination of events which lead me to this point . I've seen a sign of maturity and demur how i handle things now versus me about a year and a half ago. i use to be that bitter, angry vengeful person. I use to take it there, I swear like i said " people are lucky i know Je*us and I'm not the old me who would have taken this to the streets. but, that's not me, no more and not now! I'm to special and mature for that. there's always a better ways to handle situations, events, and people. Just never lose yourself in the process! try not to come out of character and undermine your integrity even if it gets a bit messy.
I've notice my opinions have altered quite a bit, about things i like, and what i don't like, thing's which bother me, and things i chose to let go, people who i want around me versus people who i need around me. it's all apart of the ever so enriching learning experience, i guess! fucking growing up, why can;t we all be kids again, watch TV gleefully, eating our favorite cereal living life carefree! fruity pebbles and the smurfs or thunder cats sound good right about now lol! well....
I think babe, was right i need to have a screening process for people who i let in my inner social circle, and who i let get close to me especially! Nana always use to say (English version; Keep your enemies close b/c u know they don't like you, but keep your friends even closer because they know how to hurt you! She ain;t never lied, people can be so venomous if you allow them to be.
I've been pretty occupied these last two months with planning evenings, attending gatherings, and functions, baby showers, working, making several trips to hospitals, managing relationships, and in the midst apartment hunting and just trying to stabilize myself and give myself a little room to breath. It gets quite hectic and i forget some of the smaller thing's but im trying my best, and i think im spreading myself too thin, im tired and burnt out, yet refuse to just "slow down" not just yet. i forget to do the things which makes me happy! what's up with that? I need to do more for me and less for others, it's not selfish, everyone else just looks out for them, why shouldn't i put ME first?!
I've just started living for myself not too long ago, i just need to walk a fine line and balance out everything! i should be running my calendar and not letting it run me! i think i have an issue with saying No to people, which is a huge downfall. i always want to see the good in people, no matter what stares back at me in the face? am i a bad person for wanting more and expecting more, while praying for humanity and humility? Or is it the fault of others for not expecting and wanting more from themselves!? I need to stop trying to be mister fix it, every time i see someone or something damaged i challenge myself to fix it! Ugh
Let's call this section the run down:My grandmother had to be rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery the same day she was about to come up here to take care of my mom whom also had surgery, did i mention all this happened the same day my best friend went into premature labor with my two healthy god children Caleb and Cayleigh. It all was quite a world wind and happened so fast, im still trying to grasp what happened. and it was all back, to back, to back. Trying handling all that and still not drinking ugh, some nerve lol! Im totally thankful everyone is doing well. It's been quite some praying times, more so now then ever! My mommy had to get 2 procedures and was just discharged today, she is home, somewhat mobile and is talkign slightly. I just hope she is clear out of the woods and a speedy recovery. My grandmother is healthy, strong and ding well. She had to get 2 arteries cleared, thank goodness they caught it early! Moni is doing well, she is home, and the babies are strong, healthy, and quite adorable. Every chance i get i shop for them, they bring me blue skies and happy thoughts. babes are just little angels, so precious and magical!
Fuzzy: I noticed every since i became
Xavier~ Me and him use to go through these patches where 1 day were good the next day were bad.
Omar~~ This boy i couldn't stand when i first met him, i shot him rocks, gave him the stone cold killer coco evil bitch type hi at first. but he is literally my good good now. were attached, you mess with one, you get the other! he's been there fore me whenever and loves me for me, as i take him and cherish him for being himself! i think we balance each other out! im usually the one holding him back as he tries to cut the next bitch lol! and baby he has a list a mile long,! we can just talk for hours or just bug out, he' sthat male friend I've always yearned for when i was younger. He helps me, and i try to help him! it's a great friendship, but he's more like family. I don't have to question our friendship, its tangible and we accept each other flaws and all! he too was put in my life for a reason i get at times he;s that older brother there to give you words and guidance, even if you may not like what he has to say all the time, he's going to tall it like it is!
Willie My little big booty super hero, lol he's a great guy and. means well, and there is soo much im still learning about him! we have been chatting it up a storm for the past several weeks, and i learn something new everyday! He 's a friend, like i told him last night, were past the point where were just mere acquaintances, and were friends. now time to talk, share, laugh, play and fight and take it to the next friendship stage. he's a good man with a huge heart, loves to listen and be supportive. I told him he is going to make someone very happy when he settle's down.
Lateef~ my babe is a trip. he is so just full of positive ray, smile, kind yet straight to the point words, all wrapped up in a killer fashionable style! there's been many times just me and had tipped the bottle and just talked for hours on end. he can adapt to various situations and people and he is quite comfortable with himself. most people can't say the same! i love that. he will pump and sever, and give you a show, until it game time and baby watch out, don't discredit boo! some say "he's too gay or such a girl" baby bye, he's just him! i just think they envy him b/c he is so happy in his skin, where most are still struggling and figuring things out! me an dhim have become quite close, i feel a connection with him!
Moni~ that girl is the left side of my brain. she knows i have her back for anything and everything, and she has mine. We have been through too much shot together for it to end any time soon. She know she's stuck with me, as i am with her. And we don't mind, lol it will be quite the life long journey for us both! We value what we have a share, and with steph T3 will always remain embedded within my heart and mind. i love those girls, and they helped at a time when I needed them the most. even if they don't know it, they allowed m to grow, mature, make mistakes and flourish! i'm going to miss my Steph, but PA is right around the corner, or better yet Amtrak and Septa baby lol~
Sir~ It's kind of sad, but recently like many of you know i've lost someone who i figured was a really close friend, more like family. it's sad but we we have been out of sync for the last 32 days, every since the night at VU and that whole incident we kind of fell of the wagon and never could get back on the same pace. most of you rejoiced, SMH not kewl guys lol And after that is just got worst, from the talks we had, or him just go off on these tangents and i would just listen! i felt like his punching bags at time, but you knwo me, always want everyone to be happy! i think one of the last few talks and BBM convo's we had really placed the seed of doubt in my head. Many of people said he was using me, im a fool, he's not genuine, and XYZ. yet I chose not to believe it. we had many of good times, and granted he said and did things which got to me, and im sure i pissed him off a few times lol . but i think we learned how to deal with each other. I had flaws and he had many of them as well, and they clearly did clash at times. It just vexed my spirit how in the last weeks of our friendship he thought we had no issue, clearly it was like the pink elephant in the room! Once i had to start questioning the validity of what he said, or his actions and thought process it takes a lot to undo the damage. i tried to be the best friend possible to him, and it's a shame he could see that. i was always there for him, even when he wasn't there for me. i think what made me needed to take a break was i was starting to fee like it was a one sided deal, where i was always giving and they were just taking. how can you say you love someone and will never hurt them, yet your actions, words and demeanor speaks the opposite. It was a learning experience i will never forget, it;s just sad i never got to say good bye. What started out as a personal time out from most people turned permanent, i think he took it quite personal! i was surprised yet given his track record and how he see friendship i wasn't surprised, what made me so special to be spared like the rest of his casualties? Over the last few weeks i was preparing myself for the worst, i just didn't know it was going to be so abrupt, but enough was enough i had to just let go i see. a few months ago i didn't think that was possible, but after the first time, i was already hurt so this time i think i was better prepared. We were good friends, or so i thought but were in two different place i guess, and had different outtakes on friendship. Do i expect too much from people, or are they just not up to par? the worst was telling my mother, how quickly it was but she was quite fond of him, called him a son, she wasn't too happy just the other day when i told her we no longer speak. She asked for him after the surgery, and i had to be the one to tell her he wasn't coming, ugh! well i was a great ride, but the show must go on. many of people was happy he is no longer apart of my circle, 1 even said "it's like the bitter dark black cloud had been lifted." he wasn't that bad just misunderstood, yet he brought a lot upon himself as well. I took him for what he was worth, i appreciated our friendship, it was genuine. hopefully he never has to question that, if he did he never got me then! At the same time, i know when it's time to say goodbye and enough is enough! I don't like for my feelings, emotions or thoughts to be dismissed and made not valid. He needs to re evaluate quite a few things and start taking responsibility for his actions and words, everyone can't be wrong while he is thee only one right, something is dead wrong with that picture. he can't just shut down on everyone and everything, he says he's fine being alone, yet his actions clearly speaks differently. even the loneliest of lonely will need someone, i hope he finds that person he can finally talk to and open up to, with being on the defense 24/ 7
Which brings me to another part of this twisted equation J~ whom i even introduced to Sir and the rest of my circle, damn i stay creating people and giving them chance! I was seriously taken back by him. When we met we click instantly and have been like
i opened up to him soo much and soo quick, and that was a mistake i will never make again.
Speaking of Mel aka Melissa, she has been my knight in shining armor. She is quite the positive free spirit i need around me. i have been all about energy, and lights lately from the practice and books i have been reading and she really has brought back my sunny sky's! we just sit and talk, advise each other, bug out and just relax! we don't have to try, we just are. and it funny because we have only know each other for almost 2 months, and it feels longer then that. i cherish her words of wisdom, she;s been through a lot and shares with me, as well i try to be there for her as well. And she has a killer voce guys .i mean this girl can rock and blow on the mic. the musical gods are quite pleased! She brings me to the yellow when im gray, i appreciate that. her spirit helps me channel my energy and not allow the foolishness and bullshit to get to me. It helps stabilize and balance myself out!
Wow i guess i had a lot to say lol! But no worries, life is life, its the way we choose to handle situations which separate us as humans! I never play the victim, that not in my DNA, you cant feels sorry for people who just feel sorry for themselves all the time and do nothing about it, so not me!
I think the best way to sum this is up is from one of my favorite singers Smokie Norful, he says " I've been up, and I've been down, had my life turned completely around, but in spite of everything i been through i still gotta say THANK YOU, thank you, thank you for your many blessing in spite of my mess!"
Food for thought never allow yourself to compromise , because the next compromise is just around the corner! People need not to take my kindness as a weakness. on the contrary it people like me who you need to watch our for when provoked we don't give a warning! lol
To my past, i say thank you for helping me become who i am today, building character, obtaining values and knowledge and common sense. to my present say be patients he's still working on me, and im still putting in the effort! It shall be a great ride! to my future i anticipate you and welcome you and all you bring with. I'm in a good place! i'm where i need to be with who i need to be there with. No apologies, no hesitation, no excuses for being ME!
Most valuable lesson I've grown to learn! things happen, you just have to DEAL WITH IT, you cann;t force soemthign that's not there! Ahh look at me sounding liek a true adult lol!
Much love and many blessings all around! Were all stars, and we all deserve to Shine! And i leave my little angels and demons with this, Speak with clarity, listen actively, understand fully, think whole heartedly, and walk with a purpose! Never regret your actions if you stil hold true to your character!
Tina and Diana taught me a lot, insert me on center stage,que my music, still the spot light, grabs mic, pose for the camera, fans & haters and say thank you and good night, i luv u all, even if you don't! Thanks for reading!
Sincerely your's still lost in translation yet with a lot more clarity~ XOXO